To not discuss my finances with DH?

Work out the total of all your joint expenditure that you are both responsible for (childcare, food, bills, shopping, family entertainment etc) every month and then divide it equally as a % of your individual incomes. Put this amount as a standing order into a joint account every month. Seems the fairest way to me!

All the best, OP. I really wish for you the same joy and comfort in your marriage that I have found in mine and that I wish for my daughters. You are entitled to it. And your husband should want to give it to you.

I’ll absolutely ‘leave it’ OP

You being unhappy is no skin off my nose.

I hope your real life friends are a source of comfort and advice as you obviously haven’t found it here in spite of lots of helpful suggestions.

'not an attractive woman'[. This is very sad to hear. All women can make themselves attractive. You have very low self esteem and deserve so much more

How can you have a child with someone you can’t talk to?

Earlier you said that you now rarely discuss finances because of the jibes and digs so is it that he has stopped as you told him you didn't like it or has he now got you 'trained' not to discuss finances?

Which part of the path have you both veered off from?
The one for future goals and what you're aiming for in the future or the here and now?

I do think some people only consider the time and energy of having children and not the financial impact and when their finances take a hit they can't quite get their heads around it.

You are getting it for free here. You have had lots of extremely helpful suggestions. Lots of us are married and have worked through stuff with our husbands—you could ask how? I’ve been with dh for 33 years! Married 28 or so. Do you think its possible that people suggesting you should be able to talk to your husband without him sniping at you might be on to something?

Hmmm... antagonistic you say?

Actually I am a trained therapist—in the US and licensed and experienced.

OP’s issue is really familiar to me because its quite common. Even if OP came to therapy we would describe her as “not yet in the room” because she is not yet ready to face up to how bad her relationship with her dh is. she is not yet in the room here as well. She published in AIBU but instantly asserted that she was just journaling or venting or wondering out loud. Ok, sure, I guess.

If she did come to therapy she’d spend the beginning sessions fighting with her therapist for then she would fire the therapist. People have to be ready for change. If they aren’t they get big mad at everyone outside the cage pointing out the door is unlocked snd you can walk out any time.

Apologies, I misunderstood what he was griping about. And yes, I can see that if he’s normal a decent guy, he might well be mishandling the current situation.

But would it really not be worth trying a ‘sit down and listen to me- I’ve had enough of these comments’ type talk? Things might well improve after the Mat leave, but can you put up with it for that long?!!

I do agree that the most expensive phase is the nursery stage unless you’re opting for private school - until 17 when it’s driving lessons, insurance, a second car which we hadn’t had before, and an A level tutor. No one needs to pay for soft play every weekend - we only went to places like that for parties. It was quite cheap when ours were 5/6/7.

Maybe baby no.2 and the maternity pay/income drop has made him panic a little. Might be struggling with the pressure of feeling more responsible, regrets some of his financial decisions and ongoing commitments, possibly ashamed of the position he has got himself into and he's just dealing with it like an absolute idiot.

I think this might be something that will actually get better for you once the children are older and you can return to work full time.

I think I saw someone telling you differently, that a child or two even in school with no childcare costs will easily still cost you 1k+ a month and I have to disagree. I mean, it could, if you wanted it to. My DD could happily spend 1k a month if I gave her £50 a day and let her go to primark whenever she wanted.

I don't though, so she doesn't cost me anywhere near that.

Have you tried to speak to your husband about the jibes and comments he makes about finances?

Either he feels guilty for having lots of outgoings like a nice car (is it finance?) but doesn't want to change so jokes about you spending money or he can't analyse himself regarding the finances and thinks you are the issue.

Does he have many friends? What are their situations?
Or work colleagues?
Some people compare themselves to others when their situations are very different, you have young children so only work part time but if Some of his friends have older children and they both work full time then clearly they would have more money.

It's really disappointing that you don't feel able to talk to your husband about having £500 less per month.
Is this a change to wages and is it correct?

I’m sorry it’s so painful OP. I wonder how old your husband is and whether he’s had to face really difficult things in his life that he can’t just fix. It’s possible that he can change we don’t know him but some people are able to change how they see the world maybe only if their world is truly turned upside down. Good luck.

OP, most people on here are just trying to help you in their own ways. Nobody is a trained therapist. Nobody knows you in person. They are just doing their best and responding to the situation as you present it.

You have posted in the internet so it stands to reason you will get a range of perspectives. You can't filter this. Of course it's going to be true that some people wouldn't put up with what you're putting up with in a marriage. Some people will have left similar marriages and they will tell you this because they relate to what you're going through. Ot they know someone in a similar situation. But you know this.

If you saw a therapist, they wouldn't just nod along. They would encourage you to challenge your perspectives and if you are becoming easily triggered and combative then fine, that's all part of the process. If you go to your GP, you can be referred for 6 free counselling sessions. Could be worth considering if you want a non- judgemental space where you can prioritise yourself and your own feelings?

I will say that unfortunately as you are married, his debt is your debt to a point. When you come to remortgage it will limit your choice of lenders etc so I'd advise you keep communicating on that as far as he will let you.

If mine tried that line, I’d go straight in with ‘ no one needs an expensive car.’ I’d challenge directly as to why he’s griping about childcare which is unavoidable, when he could trade down on cars. To he honest, I wouldn’t put up with the little digs. I’d blow it up and force him to look at the actual figures. But I’m up for a confrontation and I know that isn’t everyone’s style. I’d rather tackle it head on, though, than put up with the little digs.