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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not discuss my finances with DH?

362 replies

probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:29

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

OP posts:
mn29 · 12/09/2024 14:39

Why the hell are you paying for all the childcare? You working part time (and therefore earning less, arguably damaging your career prospects, and building a much smaller pension pot) is what enables him - as the person equally responsible for your joint child - to go to work full time and earn lots of money.

He sounds awful.

Personally I think family finances should be completely pooled but if not then it needs to be proportional to earnings, eg 70/30.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2024 14:38

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2024 14:35

This situation is untenable. It hust can’t last—and it shouldn’t. What happens if you get sick? Or one if your children does? Why is he (notionally) paying for the inly valuable asset (the mortgage) and forcing you to pay for the children’s care (a liability ). Hint: he thinks if he divorces you he gets a bigger share if the house snd he thinks the children are your responsibility.

Yes, I always wonder why it happens to be the one asset that the man happens to have on his list of expenditure, and the woman happens to be paying for the childcare 😏

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2024 14:38

Yours is not a marriage I would stay in. It's as though your husband views you as his adversary. Fuck that.

Original poster
probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:37

To be fair to him @pikkumyy77 it isn’t because of that. We are married and if we were to split then things would be financially all right - fair. It’s a long complex boring story. I’m distinctly fed up with dh and money but I do need to be as fair as possible with regard to that.

@UltramarineViolet this is precisely the problem. And increasingly I am feeling as though we are living as friends rather than husband and wife.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/09/2024 14:36

Yours sound like finances that should be pooled, with each adult getting equal free spending money.

So just one initial discussion to be had re contributions in line with relative pay, what bills come out, how much joint savings etc, and then you take your equal free spending money to each do with as you will.

Where parents of a child/ children earn very differently, esp when one is providing childcare/ looking after the home etc, this is the best way as otherwise you end up living different lifestyles, whilst the one who has stepped back subsidies the higher earned by relieving then of childcare costs/ obligations.

Codlingmoths · 12/09/2024 14:35

So you’re poor because you had a baby and it seems the only way to keep the peace, and he’s not even though he had a baby with you and he doesn’t care about keeping the peace, he’d rather keep his money and leave you miserable. I hate these men. Every single one of them.

UltramarineViolet · 12/09/2024 14:35

If it works day to day and you are able to buy the things you need from your own salary then that's all fine (and pretty much same as what I do) do I can't see that there is any problem with thd above system for normal outgoings.

You will surely need to occasionally discuss finances though for bigger purchases (holidays, household appliances, home improvements etc)?

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2024 14:35

This situation is untenable. It hust can’t last—and it shouldn’t. What happens if you get sick? Or one if your children does? Why is he (notionally) paying for the inly valuable asset (the mortgage) and forcing you to pay for the children’s care (a liability ). Hint: he thinks if he divorces you he gets a bigger share if the house snd he thinks the children are your responsibility.

Original poster
probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:34

Mrsttcno1 · 12/09/2024 14:33

I think YABU just because honestly as a family you should be able to have open and honest conversations about finances, and you need to be working as a team to ensure everything is paid and that you both have enough money.

This is one of those posts that totally miss the point of the thread 😂 Obviously that’s what should happen but if you just can’t do that for whatever reason - then what? That’s my question really.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 12/09/2024 14:33

I think YABU just because honestly as a family you should be able to have open and honest conversations about finances, and you need to be working as a team to ensure everything is paid and that you both have enough money.

Original poster
probablymenow · 12/09/2024 14:33

Maternity leave - it’s put a lot of unprecedented pressure on us, but nothing that should be insurmountable.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 12/09/2024 14:31

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.
This jumped out at me. What's changed over the last year to make him become more antagonist towards money. That sounds like a massive red flag in the making.