To not discuss my finances with DH?

is there any way you could make some time without kids and have a calm and clear conversation with him about this? Be clear about what you want, how you want to be fair for both of you and for you both to know where are and to get on same page about splitting finances?

You are the only one who knows if your current situation can work, but I think if the answer to the above question is No and you can’t even talk about it together, then I’m afraid that would be a dealbreaker for me.

If he can’t pay for his commitments comfortably and you can’t discuss finances you are never going to get clarity or be comfortable. There are several possibilities:

1)?he has bitten off more than he can chew and can’t afford the lifestyle you guys have.
2) he has hidden debts/costs he can’t be honest about
3) he overspends on shit, drugs, gambling.
4) he has stupid ideas about male and female roles

At any rate THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. You should be able to speak to your dh about finances and come to a mutually satisfactory understanding. It is a very bad sign that you can’t. There is a staggering lack of warmth and trust in the relationship.

If you are splitting bills proportionally to income, and then individually paying your own bills and this means you're left with more, how can he argue that? Are you paying shared bills proportionally to income?

Well it wouldn’t work for me. Only you can decide if you’re happy to live your life like that.

I am afraid I don’t understand why there is a weird split of financial responsibilities - you both own and live in the house so are jointly responsible; you are both parents of the children so their childcare is a joint responsibility; you both eat food and need household items so are jointly responsibility. Either split things 50/50 or split them proportionally based on what you each earn.

DH and I have very different salaries because I took the hit to my career and earning potential so he could have his career and I looked after the kids and worked in less high pressured jobs to pick up the slack. We also had to move around a lot for him (including living overseas) so we have always been clear that everything is shared. All money is our money jointly and everything is our responsibility 50/50 because we are a partnership and work together and are on the same side.

It depends what “his personal items” are though.

If it’s his golf membership fee’s and his spa membership then that’s fair enough, if it’s a car & petrol fees for a car he needs for work & that the family use then it’s not.

Why would a joint account make things ten times worse?

Can you explain how you have the better deal as it really doesn't sound like you do based on what you've posted.

Exactly this. There’s too much unknown for anyone to be confidently saying he is in the wrong. Earning double OP’s salary means nothing if the mortgage & all household bills he is paying eat all of that up.

I don't think it's clear from your posts to advise. Eg if he is struggling to pay the priority bills whilst you're treating yourself then ofcourse he would be upset. Why has his attitude changed? As PPs have said, it would be better to combine finances and have equal personal money.

How are you “doing better?” Half the responsibility for childcare is his. He gas half funded hours and then you gift him with your hours as well as paying for childcare? He is responsible for either dounf or paying 12 hours for his child per day. He is obviously not doung that. You are treating the mortgage money as fungible and he is not.

I’m not quite sure what you’re asking. You’ve said there’s no choice to talk rationally with him about it because that’s not having, so surely bar splitting up, which you don’t seem keen to do, your way is the only way to proceed? What other options are available to you?

This is why i'd never marry/have a child with someone without a joint account first. You have time off work to take care of his child and he doesn't like that there are financial implications to that, what did he expect? He sounds like a twat, sorry.

Is he going to support his kids? It doesn't sound like if you're having to look after them on next to no money and then having to pay childcare for them. Is he interested in the kids at all? It sounds like he's not interested in being a father.

I thought this was going to be some independence thread but instead it’s you coping alone because your shitty husband suddenly feels aggrieved he’s earning more and has devalued what you do. I watched my previous marriage slide downhill very quickly when my husband started with this attitude. And why oh why is childcare the thing women have to carry?

that aside, sounds like either:
a) a sit down is required where you try and talk nicely about how this attitude is making you feel and what needs to happen to prevent rot setting in - his salary is part of the household income, not his. Cost up childcare and cleaners as if you were working full time - too many men fail to value housework and think being at home with kids is a walk in the park, or,
b) you live and plan as if a divorce is going to happen down the line and that means creating a nice little nest egg, getting savvy about both your earnings and finances etc

Personally I don’t see how it would work unless you’re willing to be treated quite unfairly. Without children perhaps you just keep everything separate but you mentioned maternity leave so there’s a child you are both responsible for (financially and otherwise). How do you pay for joint expenses if you can’t talk about it? Do you support the child on part time wage and do the extra childcare while husband enjoys his full salary to spend on self? Who pays for creche? Are you sure this is the only sticking point as he sounds quite unreasonable! If it is is he gambling? Lost his job and not telling you? I’m part time/have been SAHM but financially we always saw husbands salary as our money, both of us having equal access and both making decisions about it, I just can’t imagine it working any other way and not tainting the whole relationship.

Spectacular, isn't it

So when you say antagonistic, is he grilling you about what you spend/how you allocate your spending and bills/how much you save? Or something else?

How did it work with maternity leave? Did he step up financially?

I'm just trying to work out his motives - fairly. Because at the risk of being an MN cynic, it's sounding rather like despite earning up to 3x more than you and having a child, he's reluctant to behave as a unit with all money as family money. If he's putting financial pressure on you, then yes, in the short term you should avoid any money conversations to protect yourself. Do not get drawn into arguments and accusations.

Longer term though, depends on a bit more info.

I'm still a little lost as to the reason why you can't discuss finances?

You are not wrong if you feel its better for you, but what's making you not speak to him about it?
Is he questioning your spending, trying to keep his money for himself and not contribute to the household 'pot' ?

But why can’t you? In what way is being antagonistic? If it’s that he’s questioning what money has been spent on, and you don’t discuss finances, then you have no idea if he’s just being difficult or if it’s because bills are higher, and there isn’t enough money to go around anymore? For example (I’m also on maternity leave) there’s a big difference between my husband picking at me for buying a new pair of shoes when he has money spare to buy some himself too, and my husband picking at me for buying a new pair of shoes when he’s covering all our household bills and has £10 left over.

Without a proper discussion about finances it’s impossible to know what is causing the stress. If it’s that maternity leave has put extra financial pressure on him and things are tight, then it’s something you need to be discussing together and pooling your finances to get through a tough time.

Yours is the better deal even though he's on triple your salary? I'm not surprised he has an issue with this. Why not make if fair at least?

I can't see how you can expect to stay in your relationship if you can't discuss finances? It's such a basic part of your life together. It sounds very unfair, and I'd be concerned he's building debt or something else concerning, which has implications for you as you're married.

Our way if doing things is both salaries go into a joint account and all bills get taken from that including fuel, food, kids stuff, holiday things.
Some money will then be put into savings / investments and what's left is our spending money.
We don't tit for tat over every last pound. We are a unit and it worked well for the last 34 years.