To not discuss my finances with DH?

Presumably this would be subsequent to the conversation, though. Or are you saying you sit down and start having the conversation and he starts making ‘jokes’?

I hate to disappoint you… but we see just out of nursery years…. And really the extra income gets eaten up by activities, equipment for activities, camps, paying their share for holidays/flights/food and then there’s university in just a few years when that’s all done… so I wouldn’t count on it!! But i know this isn’t the point of your thread at all. Sounds like a very difficult position to be in.

to be honest OP - You seem hard work to talk to. Were on page 3 and half the people still can't understand why you can't talk apart from he makes digs?

Digs about what?

This post is pointless - no-one can give you advise.

I am really confused by this post. Could you please clarify what you’re asking?

Would you be willing to give more info? Your earnings, DHs earnings, childcare cost?

There’s nothing reasonable about any of your posts.

You won’t give details as to why the normal solutions won’t work so why post?

The only fair solution in my opinion is to work out the total of monthly household costs and work out how much each of you should pay so you’re left with the same amount to spend personally. You don’t have to have a joint account to do that but it helps.

But being unable to have a reasonable conversation says your relationship has poor foundations.

I always find these threads so strange. How has it got to this stage? Have you just never had an open dialogue about money your whole relationship? My husband and I discuss finances like we discuss everything else about our life as a family. What happens if you bring it up?

Right… so that’s 1 point out of all the ones I listed.

Same. Or what the alternative scenario is to the one the OP is suggesting, which is that they don’t talk about finances and just carry on as they are, because apparently talking isn’t an option.

I must be really thick because I still can't work out why you can't discuss finances. I've obviously missed something!

Have you asked him if this is true? Why would he feel "hard done by?" If he does, that tells you everything you need to know, honestly.

Have you asked him if this is true? Why would he feel "hard done by?" If he does, that tells you everything you need to know, honestly.

That is splitting bills. You're paying some, he is paying some. For example if you earn 30% of household income and he earns 70%, are you covering 30% of bills and he is covering 70%?

It depends what you want your marriage and future to look like. Off the top of my head though, some issues with this:

• Kids get more expensive as they get older so who pays for their phones, laptops, clothes, after school clubs, hobbies, equipment needed for hobbies, school trips? Will that remain just your responsibility, is that fair?
• Cost of living increases, having only 1 income that is covering these variable costs mortgage/water/gas & electric/wifi/tv package/car insurance means that the person paying those is disproportionately impacted by those costs, is that fair?
• Say you want to go on a family holiday, does he just pay for himself and you then have to pay for you + your child? How do you decide who pays for the child or who pays what % for the child, if nobody knows how much you each have left over? How do you pick your holiday if you don’t know the budget you each have? Is that fair?
• What about Christmas/birthdays, who pays for presents? Christmas trip to Santa? Who pays for the parties? Is it fair that if childcare is “your” thing then you pay for it? If you aren’t working as a team financially then how do you agree a budget you can both afford and how much you each contribute?
• Even household things like the boiler or the oven breaks and you need a new one, who pays for that? Is it fair that if household things are “his” then he had to find £100’s+ to replace? If you don’t share finances or discuss them how do you know what you can each afford to contribute?

Personally, I think finances like this is either setting yourselves up for a lifetime of bickering and arguing about money, both sometimes feeling hard done by, or you set yourself up for a lifetime of taking on more expenses than you can really afford just to avoid rocking the boat. Neither is great.

Is marriage counselling an option?

I would divorce because if you can't work out money in your relationship there's a huge problem.

I think the fact that you both hate the idea of a joint account points to the bigger issues here. Your independence from each other worked before having a baby, but now it's not working. It sounds like he feels hard done- by somehow, despite it all sounding broadly fair.

If I were you, I would be actively figuring out how you're going to live as a single mother, because your marriage is in serious trouble. Money issues are the #1 cause of divorce. Add your husband's lack of respect for you and your inability to communicate on top, and it's a relationship killer.

I’m quite skeptical that you have the better deal, even with a massive mortgage.

are you still paying into your pension?
you may have more money after your big expense, childcare, but are you then covering everything for the child from your funds? What about household needs? Do you really have more money left for you, personally?

With my wife, including Mat leave when she earned a lot less, we had a joint account that we both paid into, such that we kept the same amount back each month for ourselves.

Joint account covered all expenses - mortgage, bills, childcare, food, putting savings aside for kids, holidays, car payments, saving for big things like new kitchen. So one job of course is working out how much per month that could/should be.

Fake numbers:

So if joint accounted needed £2k a month, I might pay in say 1500 of my 2k pcm salary, and shed pay 500 of her 1k pcm. So we're both left with £500 each to do as we please, including whether to save any of that, or bolster pension etc.

Of course, under this arrangement, if I'd say earned as much as £3kpcm then I'd have paid ALL joint expenses (I'd pay in 2k and keep 1k, she'd have kept all 1k of hers). Maybe some would frown at that but I wouldn't have.

Of course what we then DID 'debate' was which car to get, or whether to include a wine fridge in the new kitchen etc (with me being the more frugal) which affected how much the joint account needed. But that's a separate issue!

Ask him why he'd see that arrangement as unfair! You're a team, not adversaries (from a man)