To not discuss my finances with DH?

Yes. Because if you aren’t going to talk to him about it (the first poster who suggested that was told they’d ‘missed the point’) and you aren’t going to split, then there really is no alternative to ‘I’ll just carry on paying for things and not talking to him about it’, is there?
If it was just a place to get down your thoughts then that’s fine, but obviously people aren’t going to know that’s what you were doing and will suggestions as to how to resolve it (talking, joint accounts etc) and won’t know their suggestions are unwelcome..

So you don’t care if he is left with less and don’t see why that is unfair and why he would be upset and frustrated by that? Maybe the “financial abuse” is being thrown the wrong way.

You said he earns double, maybe triple your salary. How can you be unsure if you know his salary? Do you not know your own salary?!

I never understand these posts, where married women who have sacrificed their career progression and earning potential for children, are not financially supported by their husbands. The whole point of marriage as a legal and social institution is to protect women and children because they are inherently more vulnerable.

My husband and I do what my parents did. His earnings go into a joint account from thigh we pay for most things. My earnings go into a separate account in my name. From time to time I transfer money into a joint savings account, otherwise which account I pay for something with is immaterial because our finances are joint.

This.

I honestly cannot imagine being with a man who thinks of me and his child as manipulative drains on his resources. Nothing else 'good' about them could outweigh this - they're cunts, they really are.

At the very least, OP, you need to tackle him and point out that you both decided to have a child - and that decent men split all expenses so that the work is shared, and both parties are left with the same amount of savings and spending money.

From what I guess ( and I've had to try fill some major blanks here)

He is annoyed/frustrated he is paying all the household bills and left with less than you per month.
Feels like you are living the dream with loads of cash left over and he has nothing
He is working to support the house but nothing for himself leftover.

Minus childcare - everything else you pay for (activities etc) aren't essentials, they are options.

You say your getting the better end of the deal do he knows this and resent this?

In your ideal world - what would you like to happen with the finances?

Unless i am majorly missing something - I can see why he is resentful. (Not saying hes right, but putting all your snippets together to make a picture seems to mean he pays for 90% of the bills and has nothing left at the end of the month - whilst you do)

I think you need couples therapy with a focus on discussing your finances. With someone else in the room (who is trained to help) maybe the two of you can both learn to communicate nicely about finances and have a productive outcome

Lack of agreement on finances is meant to be the biggest reasons marriages break down. I wouldnt ignore this as its likely to spill over into the rest of your marriage over time

and if you go down this route, dont just use the first therapist you find, you might need to try a few before you find someone who 'gets' you both and will hold the line for both of you

But the amounts ARE the most relevant thing because the amounts distinguish whether he’s being nasty or whether he is right! If he’s left with less then of course he isn’t happy and things need to change to even things out.

Some will relate to your situation, others won’t. The issue is, are you happy with your arrangement? It’s not about being fair here - you are married and have children who are a shared responsibility. The only person who knows if you’re happy to live with the set up is you.

For what it’s worth, situations like yours eventually become more difficult than easier. Yes, childcare costs disappear but those are the foreseen expenses. As a couple how do you propose to plan for the unexpected? My DH ended up in a car accident when I was two months into my mat leave. We were young and had nothing so I went back to work and he did the child care while he was unable to work (self employed). There will be a myriad of situations.

How do you approach other expenditure such as holidays, birthdays, Christmas gifts, savings etc? Do you both have the same long term financial goals?

That doesn't mean she is not being financially abused.

So, after paying the essentials, the amount of money each of you has at the end of the month is roughly proportional to your salaries? For example he is left with 20% of his salary and you are left with 20% of yours?

And then he spends quite a bit of his excess money on luxuries - or "personal items" -, by the sounds of it.

Maybe don't discuss finances in terms of figures, as pps have suggested. Just talk about feelings/resentments or whatever. Ask him if he feels hard done by? He'll know where this question is coming from - ie his huffing and puffing about money - and he may begin to see that he's being unreasonable.

For me, the confusion arose because you said ‘am I being unreasonable to not talk to DH about finances’, then made it clear that talking to him about finances isnt an option and you don’t want to split, so what was the alternative scenario to the one you proposed in your OP? If you’ve decided there’s no other way of doing things well then of course you’re not being unreadable, because there isn’t any other option? I couldn’t really figure out what you were looking for from the thread.

Maybe If you show him just how much money you don't have, he will be more helpful to you?

OP has literally said she has the better deal and is left with more money than him

OP you are giving the tiniest bit of snippets and expecting people to understand the full picture - that's why people are confused.

Makes digs - about what?

Blame game - who blames who for what?

jokes - Aimed at who about what?

You've given the bare minimum context.

So he blames you for what?

Why not bills and extra for child related expenses go into a joint account 50/50 and the rest you keep in your own accounts, but he should be paying more than 50% if he earns more and your part time.

yabu, because it’s at your detriment and you should stick up for yourself.