To not discuss my finances with DH?

Well if you don’t want to explain properly or answer questions then why are you bothering? 😂 you’ve given the bare minimum and are then saying people’s assumptions are upsetting.

Apologies, I was just responding to the ‘why is everyone so confused?’ posts. I’ll leave now.

He has less than her because of his own spending choices! Not because of household bills!
He IS getting his share of money after paying his outgoings HOWEVER he pays for personal things for himself and STILL wants access to ops much smaller income.

This is about a man wanting to access and control over his wife's income, he resents her having her own money.

OP - Will your husband point blank refuse to tell you his outgoings? Like hes hiding something?

Or is it just a difficult conversation to navigate?

I agree!

But do you have full transparency? Do you know exactly what he earns and what all the out goings are? Of course this works both ways.

I mean we have a similar setup in that I pay for mostnof the kids stuff and DH pays for the house bills as he earns a lot more then me. BUT, we both can see exactly what each other earns what is spent where and big expense and discussed and worked out how we will pay for them. So there is full and open flow of information on both sides, which is surely how any marriage/partnership should work especially if children are involved.

Your situation almost sounds like finical abuse.

Agreed - but the OP is barely making sense so we have to go with the info we have

Read OP’s posts, she has literally said she knows his salary

There’s a big difference between double and triple.

I'd opt for more honesty, not less.
Complete openness about who earns what and where it all goes.
Keep a spreadsheet - all bills, direct debits, every single expenditure listed. Balance it all up at the end of the month - with the split according to the ratio of your salaries and a monthly settlement between your accounts.
The hope is that with complete openness, he can stop being moody or defensive about it.
If that doesn't happen, yes basically there's no hope unless you want to live with someone for the rest of your life who is not willing to share proportionately and invest the right amount of effort into understanding family finance. That is a very big deal and I'd want it sorted sooner rather than later - why waste your life?

She does know his salary - she has said so. Its double maybe triple hers

She’s said she knows his salary, read her posts :)

she can’t possibly know that if she doesn’t know what he earns. Marriage means supporting one another and they means them both sharing finances and making decisions together as a couple.

You’re missing the point. What matters is that they have EQUAL “spare” amounts to spend, it doesn’t matter whether thats spent on beer, pokemon cards or new golf clubs, as long as they BOTH have the same amount of money to spend. OP has said he has less than her.

Honestly OP, you are just not explaining yourself very well and are being very secretive so it's going to be hard for people to help.

I'm reading it that he has more personal bills than you & therefore has less "available" money after everything has been paid. But really, it is his choice to have i.e. expensive phone contract, gym membership, golf club fees. It should be viewed that these costs are part of HIS "fun/spare money". They are not essential expenses like the mortgage or council tax.
You don't choose to have these expenses so you have more money left over after paying your share of the essentials. Except you don't because you alone are paying for the kids everyday needs.

Is this right?

Noone is judging, they just can’t help if they don’t really know what you want help with.

He’s already paying all of the household bills and is left with less money than OP is, as she has said :)

What if he was spending ALL his spare money on drink? And expensive hobby or solo expensive trips that do not benefit the op or their children in anyway.

As I far as I can deduce ops husband has positioned himself to be the person paying for the marital assets and left op with the liability of childcare bills, he has personal spending problems and despite being the higher earner wants access to ops small income to supplement his poor financial skills.

You aren’t being judged. Hopefully this is a wake up call. Your husband needs to step up and pay for his family.

I promise I'm not trying to stick the oar in, OP but I think the confusion here comes from:

1. You don't want help with the numbers
2. Your don't want to know what others would do because they would talk with their spouse or leave them, and neither is an option for you
3. You don't want comments on your set up
4. But you do want help working through how you feel about it, but haven't really given us a lot of insight into that except to say it's just this one issue but that it sometimes (always?) feels like it creeps into other areas
5. Further to this, it's hard to help you work through it bcause you seem to want us to help you come to terms with it but, for many of us, it just isn't something we would, or could, come to terms with

That makes it really hard to see what you are needing here. Is it just a place to vent? OK, if it is.

Regardless of the secific issue, if a major part of your joint lives cannot be discussed and one of you is unhappy about it there are only a few options I can see:

1. Suck it up
2. Leave them
3. Pretend to suck it up but inwardly seethe about it

I don't know which of those you think might be your way forward here but you are unhappy, that is clear. If your husband cannot discuss serious matters without PA jokes and such, how else do you normally deal with the more serious disagreements?