Would you/ Have you divorce because of in-laws?

It's not "winning" to stay married to someone who lets you be treated like shit.

Also not inviting your dad is a completely different issue and not comparable at all.

A rule is being made that nobody who has insulted me in my own home this year is going to be invited to me hosting Christmas. Dad hasn't insulted you, MIL and SIL have, would you look at that, actions have consequences! Go NC with his family, let him manage that side but I'd immediately shut my doors to anyone that had insulted me. Nope not doing that. Have the life you deserve, I'll be over her in peace and bliss thank you.

Well let’s be honest, you have a DH problem.

Either you go NC with these bastards and they are banned from your home, or you split up.

It seems your DH has no problem with you being treated like shit but mummy can’t possibly be upset. Time for an ultimatum.

Can you not say that no one can come over more than once a week, which will apply to your in laws and your dad?

Don’t do Christmas. But, it’s not worth a divorce. Just jog on without them.

OP I really think if you're considering divorce it's worth putting your cards out on the table and saying what you need from your husband. Let his family think badly of you, it's worth it to try save your marriage. Let your husband know you're serious

I went NC with my MIL and it was the best decision I ever made. DH sees her still as he feels obligated to which is fine. I knew that if I ended my marriage because of her she would have won. I no longer have the stress of that awful woman in my life. Good luck OP

I think I had a me problem rather than a DH but it could have gone that way if we'd had your geography.
SIL was pretty toxic on her 20s, a bit lost, a bit jealous, a bit uncomfortable. DH always shrugged. She's got better but 30 years on I still don't want her much in my life. I regret the headspace the lot of them have taken up.

My DH has very difficult parents. Both quite manipulative and used to their own way (separated about 35 years ago). He used to roll over and just do whatever for an easy life, we eventually had to have an uncomfortable conversation about it and he’s gradually improved when he or we don’t want to go along with something. This was pre- children.
After having children the manipulation and “I want” went on steroids and I said if you don’t handle it I will. It’s still a regular struggle as they are just difficult but he has at least grown a pair, usually calmly reasoning with them works but there have been a few occasions when he’s just ignored them for a good while so they get the message!

@Longsummerdays1 you have children and are married it’s inherently a lot more complicated than my experience but the fact that you have already checked out is a good thing for two reasons. Firstly if you can leave it will make it easier emotionally, not easy by any means but at least in that aspect. Secondly if you can’t leave hopefully it will mean you can focus on yourself and your children’s needs met a bit more strategically because your feeling for him won’t cloud your judgement as much. I feel for your OP and there’s not really a lot of positives in this situation, but if I was you looking at it like that would be my best bet.

Move house

The problem is definitely your H then

I once had a long term relationship with someone who had an unhealthy reliance on his mother and wider family. What they thought/did about anything was far more important than what I thought/did about anything. They were always right and if I were in disagreement, then I was, by default, in the wrong.

It was a lovely day when I spilt with partner and never had to see the bloody lot again.

And yes, this is all on your DH. You need to sort this out - who is his priority? It shouldn't have to be like this but that's what some people make it.

Not divorced but called off an engagement over it when I was 22. It wasn’t his mum as a person because I could hold my own with her and laughed off her weird behaviour. It was the fact he never had my back, and was weak and spineless around his mother. I didn’t want to have to spend the rest of my life arguing with this woman - she was also only in her 40s and was very health conscious so I would have been in for the long ride. If she’d been older and in poorer health who knows maybe I would be married to him now. He wasn’t the man I fell in love with who had my back and stood up for himself and his beliefs when he was around her and he didn’t recognise the toxic and abusive ways she treated him. I feel sorry for him really as I do think she abused him, but you can’t help someone who refuses to accept the reality of the situation. I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who “tolerates them” because then he’s tolerating me getting treated like shit. Also… I’m assuming this Christmas dinner is at your house… so he’s letting you be treated like shit in your own home. I am surprised you haven’t mentally checked out of this relationship already.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

If you keep inviting them round for Chrisrmas, you're going to have the same shitty Christmas.

What would happen if you said not this yearSatan we've got other plans. And plan to just have the 4 of you - what would your DH do?

Why does he see them every day?

That’s far too intwined. So that’s the issue it’s a dh problem not an inlaw problem. His actively having them in his still day to day every damn say life.

But with Christmas. Start going away or at least just booking a restaurant for a couple of years. Change the tradition.

Well I came close to calling off the wedding because of MIL. And have probably, in my head, walked off into the sunset a couple of times in our 30 + year marriage.
But , when I talked to my husband about my feelings he made it clear that I was in the right, and he took charge of dealing with her.

I cut contact with her to very low levels and I gave up on the hosting Christmas etc.

She’s is dead now, and I never regret reducing my exposure to her.

I made it very clear to my husband that he sort out in-laws or I'm off and he needs to have my back . I was mid twenties then and knew it was a deal breaker and he knew I meant it .Once they knew he was going to put me first they disappeared from our lives . We haven't heard from them for 33 years . Husband admitted that they would have and have ruined every relationship he had and would have . Very very controlling people. Put your foot down OP this is for life .

I've seriously thought about it. MIL is the cause of so many problems in my relationship. My DH feels very guilty that she lives alone (late 60s) after being widowed several years ago. MIL is incredible needy and has no friends or outside interests. She harangues DH constantly on the phone, gets drunk and tells him she has nothing to live for. When she is at our house she nitpicks DH constantly and is cannot relate to him without criticising or correcting him.
The result is my DH is constantly stressed and preoccupied. His mental health is in shreds. She is currently staying with us for a few months but she would like it to be permanent as she struggles to live alone.

Do I sometimes fantasize about leaving? Absolutely.