Twisting truth about work trip

Spot on. This requires an honest conversation OP in the interests of your wellbeing and mental health. You are feeling very vulnerable right now and need support. I hope you have close friends and family

I wouldn't be happy about the lying. It's an outright lie and not a twisting of the truth. You are obviously going to have to confront this and tell him that your marriage will only work if he's honest with you. I'd be wondering what else he's lied about!

How are you going to "work through it" if you can't even talk to him without it becoming "a horrible argument"?

And how is outright lying "twisting the truth"?!

I'd just drop it into conversation e.g. "I'm popping to the shop, do you need me to pick anything up for your [whatever activity] weekend?" and leave it there. Completely non-confrontational, makes it clear you know, leaves it open for him to admit it or carry on the deception.

Actually that's me lying, I'd tell him not to bother coming home till he was ready to apologise for lying and promise not to lie to me again because he understands why I don't like being lied to.

I would ask him quietly how he would feel if you told him you needed to take a long weekend away for a work trip for essential training and additional qualifications so you could do your job properly, and he was going to cover all your shared responsibilities at home so you could do this, and then he found out by accident that you'd lied and you were actually going away to have fun with your friends. How would he feel.

THen wait for his answer.

He has broken your trust. And I would struggle to believe anything he said after this. Not a good place for a relationship, let alone a marriage with young children, when you're struggling with an early pregnancy and two little ones alone much of the time to further his career.

You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex. Kōbō Abe is clear what will happen in his The Woman in the Dunes

Is this satire? Please tell me it is.

you lied and that’s wrong but I want to make sure you don’t feel like you need to lie again
He won’t stop lying he’ll just hide it better next time. If you want to stay with someone like that, it’s up to you. 100% if you confront him, it’ll be your fault he felt he had to lie.

OP wants a third child, even though she is still breastfeeding the second one and even if it means he doesn’t love her enough to be honest to her. Because you don’t lie to someone you care about.

But OP thinks it’s much easier to close her eyes to it all. God knows what she even wanted with this thread, when she thinks her life and marriage is amazing.

I would want an honest conversation about it and tell him you saw the email. I'd also ask him if he wants a third child.

I'm not quite sure why you're being so "understanding" op. He was planning on lying to you about his whereabouts for days. He was going to come home and lie about the "work trip". He was going to come home and lie about what he had been doing, and who he was with.
This is not a small thing. It isn't "twisting the truth". It is a series of big, sustained lies.

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

He RESENTS you for having children? Are you hearing what you are saying here!? You are again and again making excuses for him LYING to your face. What an absolute doormat you are. No way in hell would I want a husband who lies because it’s easier than telling the truth. And yet you think he is amaaaazing, and are having another child. Why do some women put up with this shit, why is your bar so low. It’s sad.

Women telling other women how to tiptoe around their DH's dishonourable behaviour allows men to continue to be able to behave dishonourably.

If calling him out on his lie will result in 'a row' - by which you probably mean him raising his voice and being verbally aggressive and you feeling obliged to defend yourself even though he's in the wrong - then he's not just a lying prick, he's an abusive lying prick.

I don't know what to say OP. I honestly just feel defeated reading your post.

Normally I'd say have it out with him but I think things just one example of many that will happen over the next 5 years until you've had enough and call it a day.

You're not wrong to be upset. But i don't think you'll be any better off after talking about it. He feels exactly as you've said: that family life is an inconvenience. And you can't make him want to be an enthusiastic husband and father. Just very sad.

What country are you from, or are you just from the 1950s?

He's lied, but the bigger issue is that he resents you for children which he has co-produced! That's not good, neither is the fact that you seem to accept his resentment as somehow justified?!

If he lies about this, how do you know there's not other stuff he's lied about?

And is resentment really a good basis on which to build a happy family long term?

"You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex."

Utter rubbish.

Someone who lies to his wife to go on a jolly away is not a good husband.

That's a shit husband who is unable to think about anyone but himself.

So what do you want from this thread?

Just tell him:
'You are an amazing father and I understand you need to get away from us cause YOUR family is stopping your adventures. But i realised you lied...
Please dont do it again as it upsets me. But please, go have fun. Should I get you a packed lunch for the journey? 🙄🤪

You know it and everyone knows it, but people pretend they don't. It is not on for married men/women to spend free time in the company of the opposite sex. Kōbō Abe is clear what will happen in his The Woman in the Dunes.

There are decent hobbies for both men and women which do not involve the opposite sex - for instance, it is not OK to go dancing or rock-climbing where there is tactile contact, but absolutely fine to go hunting or fishing for men and swimming or rock climbing or whatever for women-only company for women.

And broken trust - lying is OK when it is done to spare the feelings of your partner - for example, not telling your dp that somebody came on to you (it will unsettle them and you were not going to encourage their advances, etc.) or you lost a watch/ring they gave you as a present and you will replace it, but in the meantime you are lying 'you left it at work', etc. But lying about such a trip is a major breach of trust, it shows intent.

Pull him up about it, set boundaries, don't let him go, so what he paid for it? He should take you on gentle walks somewhere, you are pregnant, what your body is about to go through is a lot more than his stupid military camp, whatever they (soldiers) may say. Unless he is in combat, he will never experience the ferociousness of childbirth.

I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that

Why did he impregnate you for a third time if he resents you for having his children? Is he incapable of wearing a condom? Is he the type of man who thinks women get pregnant by themselves?

I've not read the full thread, just OP's posts.
I find it hard to reconcile OP saying her DH feels fatherhood has held him back from living the life he wants and that he resents OP with the statement that both of them really wanted this third baby. I don't see how he can genuinely want a third child unless it is to keep OP in a position where he feels she can't leave / have freedom away from the home.

I think if he has lied about his trip - which appears to be essentially a leisure trip - then I would wonder what else he has lied / not been honest and open about. Honest and open people don't lie to or mislead their partners.

If I were OP I would be having a conversation about this trip and finding out exactly what it really is and what it entails. I would want to know why he has not been honest about it. And I would be making it clear that openess and honesty was a requirement for our relationship going forward if the marriage is to work.

I remember your other thread. Why is there now another baby in the mix?

Why are you having more children with a man who isn't arsed with the ones he has? Nor is he bothered with you by the sounds of it.

I bet to get him to agree to another baby you had to promise to do all the baby and child rearing stuff?

I think I’d be telling him an emergency had come up at work and booking a spa weekend. This does not sound like a marriage where you are acting as a team. In fact, he sounds like a selfish git.

I don’t know if I’d be able to get over this lie. It’s not ‘twisting the truth’ to say he’s going on a work weekend but in reality it is a hobby related weekend away. He has told you a blatant lie, he’s shown quite clearly that he doesn’t respect you.

I wouldn’t be pussy footing around him saying you wouldn’t have minded him going if he’d told you the truth or the like - I’d be letting him know that you don’t appreciate being lied to and dis-respected and will be re-considering things.

Don’t give him a pass to go if he sulkily says he won’t go now - tell him to do whatever he wants and leave it at that. Have a good long thing about your future.