Twisting truth about work trip

Hi.
As an ex military wife I have experience of this first hand and am completely behind you in how annoying this kind of stuff is.
But, what most others don’t understand is that all this extra curricular stuff is mega important for his SJAR and any possibility of promotion and to be honest this bullshit is one of the main reasons my husband signed off because we had 3 kids and I was absolutely sick to death of being stuck at home while he swanned off all the time with no notice and he was missing out on being a present parent.
I would ask him how this trip will impact any future chance of promotion or if it is just adventure training and then have a chat about priorities, I’m sure you already know you come second to the military but if he isn’t pushing for promotion then tell him you need him to prioritise you and the kids while he’s not deployed or in exercise.
If he truly feels resentment towards you because he’s now a father with non thrill seeking responsibilities then you need to move on and start rebuilding your life without him.

I mean it’s absolutely not on is it? He clearly still wants to live the single life and it’s upto you whether you want to put up with that or call quits on what appears to be a not very happy marriage.
If you stay with him, as soon as he’s back please book yourself a weekend away without the kids at the very least.

This would be a deal breaker for me.
He hasn't twisted the truth, he has blatantly deceived you.
If you can't be honest and open with each other in a marriage then what is the point?
How will you trust him again?
If he feels that you and the children are holding him back in life he's clearly not invested in being a husband or a father, things will only get worse as resentment builds.
You need to have this out with him.

Deep down, he probably feels bad about leaving and going when you are struggling thats why he hasn'ttold you. But not enough to cancel....
OP you can either ride this wave,and let this slide until he matures, or confront him which could lead to him leaving. Its a tough choice

I haven't read through all the comments, I hope you've managed to have a chat and sort it out with him.

Personally, I can understand why he would have lied about it. I certainly don't condone it, and I'd be hurt by the lie, but I understand it.

I think once we have children we have a tendency to view ourselves as parents and that's it, but we're allowed to want to be able to do things away from that. It's ok if he wants to jump out of planes if that's his thing, I don't believe having children should stop that, it's a pretty safe thing to do these days so no one is being hurt there. Down time is good!

All the slack he's getting for resenting you for having children I think is a bit unfair. Resentment and saying he doesn't want the kids he has is harsh. Im sure he loves his children, and I'm sure he doesn't resent you for it, but yes, I imagine there probably are times that he wishes he could do things a little more easier than it is with 2 young children. I don't resent having my children but there have been times where I've wanted to do something but having children has held me back, and yes, I've been disappointed. But that's not resentment, and I imagine that's more than likely what the case is for your OH.

Let him have his weekend away without the agro, and remember to do things like this for yourself too, perhaps book a spa weekend with some close friends, it would be something to look forward to for you too.

Whatever has come from this, I hope you've worked it out, good luck OP!

Why did he have 3 kids then if he wanted the single lifestyle ?

A lie is a lie is a lie.

Mixed sex weekend sounds fun 😉 ask if you can go along too!

How long was your husband away on deployment? And how long will he have been back before going on his weekend away? I ask because, a deployment is not a walk in the park in a lot of cases. It's full on, the majority of the time and depending on the type of deployment and where, it can be stressful. Sometimes, when people are in the armed forces, police, fire brigade, they need downtime, that completely allows them to decompress. It's their way of coping with what situations they may face at work. However, that doesn't excuse the fact he lied, and tried to make out it was a work training exercise. You do need to be honest with him, in a calm manner and ask why he lied. He's a grown adult, he shouldn't be behaving like a teenager, sneaking around.

It is your marriage no one else can say what they would do unless this is something they have been through themselves. Lying is never the answer but it is understandable that he may feel like an adventure weekend is his way of resetting but you also need support from him pregnancy is hard but harder again with two little ones.
Could you talk to him tonight about this?
Do you know what you want to say and how you want it to land so to speak?
If not I would think about it firsthand an argument is all well and good but it doesn't solve anything in the long run. Plus it's energy and stress you don't need xx

The broken trust is the problem and I'm just not sure how to approach it without it becoming a horrible argument. I know he feels like fatherhood has held him back from living a really thrill-seeking life and he resents me a bit for that because I don't want to leave the kids and jump out of planes.

What on earth are you having a 3rd for then?

I'd be questioning him about the trip - see what else he lies about and more importantly WHY.

Did he go OP? I hope you managed to get it resolved with him.

In my experience- a lot of military personnel think anything arranged through work/related to work/with people from work is the same as work - be that adventure weekends, going to the gym or attending mess functions. Not that I’m condoning him not being fully open with you but possibly more of an ‘oversight’ than a lie - especially as he is aware you can view his emails. The fact that you assume he has lied, that this has broken your trust, that you feel the need to mention it being a mixed gender trip and you comment on him resenting you - makes me think there’s more to this then you have explained in your OP.

It’s shitty of him to lie, but I literally cannot fathom why you are having a third child with this man?!

I would ask him. He chose to have kids so can’t resent the consequences of that. What else does he lie about?

yes he gets deployed and is away from family but he gets to live the single life away without the daily grind of getting everyone ready etc.

what else will he lie about? Is this weekend meeting with people you know who are in relationships etc or other single people who may be looking for something extra.

As usual @MrsTerryPratchett nails it.

True.

he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove.

And there's a missing bit at the end.

he lied because presumably he think I would disapprove and decided that he would rather lie to me than have a difficult conversation, change his plans or respect me enough to think I would be OK with it.

He decided to make the decision for your whole family and leave you out of it. And you want to communicate in a way that will fit the information in his head correctly, without upsetting him and making him think he's really unreasonable. Why does he deserve that consideration and respect when he doesn't offer you the same?

It’s lovely you have both had a fun summer with your careers and following your respective interests. With you both supporting each other! Oh, wait…

@Jude628 .its about you putting up with it,finding a reason for his shite behaviour and treating you like a twat .Am sorry- cos its harsh but hes an arsehole who hs and will do what he wants when he wants and you are being naive/purposefully forgiving and understanding. he already booked n paid for it.if he lies about that what else is he "twisting"?seriously

@GreatBigCat .its not just men.
anyone who lies does it-because they can. i despise lies and liars

Men who lie so easily about smaller things are the the worst. Because they never stop lying, it’s in their nature.

Catch him in a lie, he will just tell another. Because he feels above you.

I could not ignore the planning and lying that went into this trip.

It's not a spur of the moment. It is planned and paid for. He's not even like he is just not telling you OP. He is lying to your face. Actual lies about where his is going and who he will be with.

He's doing it because he knows it is wrong but he feels entitled to anyway. What does this group do that is so exclusive and you could go together? Why does he feel the need to lie?

Yeah. That stood out to me too.

The cynic in me is pretty confident he's going to hit it off with a thrill-seeking woman at this club, and the OP will be left as a single mother with three kids.

Tell him you know he lied and you're pissed off about it. And that if he feels so guilty about buying himself a fun weekend that he chose to lie to you - that's because the grown up inside him knows it's a bloody selfish thing to do!