Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to attend a friend's destination wedding?

235 replies

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 22:17

My close friend is having a destination wedding, and while I'm happy for them, I really don't want to attend due to cost and time commitment. AIBU for not wanting to go?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 12/09/2024 00:01

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:05

@OlivePoet

Nothing empathetic about the comment. Read it again perhaps and don't get involved when I wasn't addressing you

Oh I was quite sympathetic to you up to here.

Youre being really rude.

JulianFawcettMP · 11/09/2024 23:59

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:29

@OlivePoet

I tagged you incorrectly there in my last comment.

The issue isn't with you commenting, you're justifying someone else doing comparison Olympics, and getting involved where you don't need to, making things bigger than needed. You didn't need to justify her behaviour when it was literally the opposite of empathising. Read it again.

Wow you come across very poorly

MumChp · 11/09/2024 23:58

I would decline. Way too much to spend on an event not that important to you.

GlitchStitch · 11/09/2024 23:58

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:05

@OlivePoet

Nothing empathetic about the comment. Read it again perhaps and don't get involved when I wasn't addressing you

Surprised you were invited tbh.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 11/09/2024 23:53

pinkdelight · 11/09/2024 23:48

Another one here who really disagrees with your interpretation. It's empathetic to share similar experiences and 'could be worse' isn't being competitive, it's trying to make you feel better, chin up kinda thing. But you're super prickly for some reason with several responses. It's quite odd.

Show quote history

I'll third that too!

Enough4me · 11/09/2024 23:50

OP YANBU. Just say, "no thanks".

pinkdelight · 11/09/2024 23:48

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:29

@OlivePoet

I tagged you incorrectly there in my last comment.

The issue isn't with you commenting, you're justifying someone else doing comparison Olympics, and getting involved where you don't need to, making things bigger than needed. You didn't need to justify her behaviour when it was literally the opposite of empathising. Read it again.

Another one here who really disagrees with your interpretation. It's empathetic to share similar experiences and 'could be worse' isn't being competitive, it's trying to make you feel better, chin up kinda thing. But you're super prickly for some reason with several responses. It's quite odd.

HMW1906 · 11/09/2024 23:47

If you act like you’re coming across in this thread in real life then I reckon your friend will be more than happy that you can’t be bothered to go 🙄

twoshedsjackson · 11/09/2024 23:47

As PP's have pointed out, this could be a strategy to keep numbers down; only you can judge your friend's motives.
A friend of mine, organist at a London city church, played for a regular stream of Japanese weddings at one time. Apparently, there is a well-defined etiquette in Japan, concerning the guests one is obliged to invite, including work colleagues as well as family and friends, and combining one's wedding with a dream trip to Europe could be a way of offering an acceptable reason for anyone invited to decline politely.
He was in regular contact with a company which specialised in setting up these ceremonies.

Changingplace · 11/09/2024 23:36

LonginesPrime · 11/09/2024 23:30

We got married abroad because we actually wanted to keep it super small so it was a good way to give people an invite but say honestly it’s very informal and if you can’t make it that’s fine.

But of a risky strategy if you don't actually want them there though - you could end up with an intimate dream wedding with just very close family and friends, but then also some rando from work and his new girlfriend and a couple of neighbours you'd feel awkward not inviting.

We didn’t invite anyone we wouldn’t have been happy to have there, we just knew up front that we wouldn’t be upset if hardly anyone came.

I’d never have invited random neighbours or random people from work even if I’d had a UK wedding!

Emolumentstoday · 11/09/2024 23:36

Weddings should be painless for guests.

marmaladian · 11/09/2024 23:35

Sheesh. Cranky much OP!

OlivePoet · 11/09/2024 23:33

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:29

@OlivePoet

I tagged you incorrectly there in my last comment.

The issue isn't with you commenting, you're justifying someone else doing comparison Olympics, and getting involved where you don't need to, making things bigger than needed. You didn't need to justify her behaviour when it was literally the opposite of empathising. Read it again.

Ooh sorry didn't realise you just wanted agreement and fawning on this thread 🤣🤣

I don't need to 'read it again' dear, thank you. Like I said, I'm allowed to comment what I like on a public forum. You are free to ignore me if you like!

Changingplace · 11/09/2024 23:33

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:27

@OlivePoet

The issue isn't with you commenting. It's about you doing destination wedding Olympics and making comments like "could be worse" and launching into how your situation is worse

You know this is how conversations work don’t you? People share their experiences of a similar situation?

Jesus if this is how snipey you are in general I reckon your ‘friend’ will be pleased you can’t make it 🤣

Spomb · 11/09/2024 23:32

LonginesPrime · 11/09/2024 23:30

We got married abroad because we actually wanted to keep it super small so it was a good way to give people an invite but say honestly it’s very informal and if you can’t make it that’s fine.

But of a risky strategy if you don't actually want them there though - you could end up with an intimate dream wedding with just very close family and friends, but then also some rando from work and his new girlfriend and a couple of neighbours you'd feel awkward not inviting.

Who invites random people to their wedding, even if it’s down the local pub? I would imagine they would consider the guest list like most people.

lap90 · 11/09/2024 23:30

YANBU. It's the risk people take with destination weddings. I received an invite recently and declined - not in the budget.

LonginesPrime · 11/09/2024 23:30

We got married abroad because we actually wanted to keep it super small so it was a good way to give people an invite but say honestly it’s very informal and if you can’t make it that’s fine.

But of a risky strategy if you don't actually want them there though - you could end up with an intimate dream wedding with just very close family and friends, but then also some rando from work and his new girlfriend and a couple of neighbours you'd feel awkward not inviting.

Original poster
emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:29

@OlivePoet

I tagged you incorrectly there in my last comment.

The issue isn't with you commenting, you're justifying someone else doing comparison Olympics, and getting involved where you don't need to, making things bigger than needed. You didn't need to justify her behaviour when it was literally the opposite of empathising. Read it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:27

@OlivePoet

The issue isn't with you commenting. It's about you doing destination wedding Olympics and making comments like "could be worse" and launching into how your situation is worse

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 11/09/2024 23:26

Just send your regrets. No need to explain, unless you are pressed. Then "It is beyond my budget. Let's have dinner together when you are home"

People prioritising venues and destinations over guests can't expect everyone to be able to attend.

Spomb · 11/09/2024 23:26

Of course not, there are loads of things I don’t want to do, no point feeling guilty about it.

The couple are probably banking on a lot of people not coming so you’ll be doing them a favour!

PullTheBricksDown · 11/09/2024 23:22

Ponderingwindow · 11/09/2024 22:35

Just decline. You don’t have to offer an explanation, but if you must, just say it is “not in your budget” This is distinct from “can’t afford” because it is honest that this is not how you want to prioritize your spending. That way when you spend money on something else, she can’t say you lied about not being able to attend the wedding.

This is why, if you're more comfortable with an excuse rather than a flat no, it's better to opt for 'can't get the time off work' if at all possible.

Nanny0gg · 11/09/2024 23:21

emilydispleased · 11/09/2024 23:05

@OlivePoet

Nothing empathetic about the comment. Read it again perhaps and don't get involved when I wasn't addressing you

You know this is a public forum, yes?

And I am addressing you...

Just say you won't be able to come. Add Sorry if you feel like being polite

distinctpossibility · 11/09/2024 23:19

We got married abroad because we actually wanted to keep it super small so it was a good way to give people an invite but say honestly it’s very informal and if you can’t make it that’s fine

I'd always assumed this tbh - that it is a way to politely invite loads of people but still ensure a small wedding. YADNBU to decline.

Mnetcurious · 11/09/2024 23:15

Not unreasonable. It shouldn’t cost you loads of money (and time for long distance travel etc). It’s unreasonable of the couple to ask people to do so, imo.