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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To impose ‘conditions’ on my mother if she wants to join our days out?

38 replies

WinterisComing95 · 11/09/2024 20:20

My mother is absolutely obsessed with social media and making others think that she has a ‘perfect life’ - she’s only in her early 50’s too, if that’s relevant.

Now onto the AIBU and the annoying bit - she’s suddenly wanting to join me and DD (8) on our days out. She finds out about these days out because DD is autistic and my sister who lives with my mother usually joins us, to help me out as an additional carer for DD sort of thing.

She spends the whole time out on her phone taking photos, and especially trying to make DD fake smile and pose for the ‘perfect photo’, rather than just being present and enjoying the day out. It’s starting to affect DD now too as she just wants to enjoy herself but spends the majority of the time being hounded by my mother and her pissing phone. I call her out on it every single time, but she still carries on.

AIBU to say either she puts the phone away on days out or that will be the end of her coming out with us from now on?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 11/09/2024 21:19

Please please please take some really hideous photos of your "D"M & post them everywhere😂

dancebob1980 · 11/09/2024 21:12

If your DD tells her to stop, and she doesn't, then you MAKE her stop. Tell her "sorry mum, but I need to teach DD that she has body autonomy, and that includes being able to say "no" to having her picture taken." Take her phone away if necessary.

Otherwise what kind of message are you giving your daughter about her power to say "no"?

Your mum can take as many photos as she wants, as long as everyone gets to FREELY decide whether they are in them or not. (If she bullies your daughter to let her take a photo, then that is another teaching moment about consent needing to be willingly and enthusiastically given). Similarly, no posting to social media unless she has permission of those in the photo. Would she want control over what pictures of her you post to SM with her tagged? Of course she would - she won't want an awful picture of her looking older than her years / sneezing / caught off guard, even if she does love posting photos.

If your mum doesn't agree, you owe it to your daughter to protect her from your mum.

YANBU, except by not supporting your daughter already.

PureRed1992 · 11/09/2024 20:58

You're absolutely not being unreasonable!

I don't allow photos of my children on social media full stop. You don't owe her a reason, simply tell her to stop with the taking photos.

Candaceowens · 11/09/2024 20:46

She won't change, just stop taking her.

Social media attention is like an addiction to those who crave it.

Irridescantshimmmer · 11/09/2024 20:46

YADNBU.

Put your foot down with a firm hand OP, she's ruining the days out and becoming a pain in the a*se

OffensiveUsername · 11/09/2024 20:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

godmum56 · 11/09/2024 20:43

Its simple. She leaves her phone at home or she doesn't come.

Smokealarmtwister · 11/09/2024 20:33

Of course that's not unreasonable but I don't think an ultimatum would be the most helpful way to go about it unless you really have to.

Can you meet up with her and explain how it's affecting your child and set some boundaries very firmly?

itsmylife7 · 11/09/2024 20:33

WinterisComing95 · 11/09/2024 20:28

The thing is, is that she knows this already as DD will actively ask her to stop and say that photo time is finished now - but she still carries on. For example, DD was trying to play mini golf and my mother made her stop every time she hit the ball for a photo when all DD wanted to do was play and it just ruined the whole experience.

Honestly her behaviour is ridiculous. Just tell her straight....No you're not coming on our trips.

AgathaX · 11/09/2024 20:30

Tell your mother she's upsetting you and DD and that you need her to put her phone away/leave it at home if she wants to accompany you on days out. If she can't do that then she's not welcome to join you.

It needs nipping in the bud now.

WinterisComing95 · 11/09/2024 20:28

FirstTimeHomeowner · 11/09/2024 20:26

I'd have an honest conversation and say it's triggering your DD. No need to say it's because she's spending too much time on her phone, just you don't want her taking photos of DD because it's effecting her.

The thing is, is that she knows this already as DD will actively ask her to stop and say that photo time is finished now - but she still carries on. For example, DD was trying to play mini golf and my mother made her stop every time she hit the ball for a photo when all DD wanted to do was play and it just ruined the whole experience.

OP posts:
FirstTimeHomeowner · 11/09/2024 20:26

I'd have an honest conversation and say it's triggering your DD. No need to say it's because she's spending too much time on her phone, just you don't want her taking photos of DD because it's effecting her.

TinyYellow · 11/09/2024 20:24

YANBU