Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Alternative view here. Could there be some neurodivergent issue bothering her ?
Alternatively as already posted give her some choice then if she kicks off tell her it was her choice and the pack it in and behave. Deffo no friend over to stay.
I wouldn't involve school for 2 reasons. If she were like this at school they would of been in contact with you. And if you speak to them they can take things too far involving other agencies.
Also how long has this been going on. Is she settled at school or being bullied

Hope you get things sorted out the the child has a calmer ride must be exhausting.

Re a PP, I don't agree with offering a treat like MacDonalds for behaving well at dinner. Behaving well at dinner should be an expectation that doesn't need to be rewarded.

I had a pupil years ago who would frequently hit his mother ( he was a strong ten year old boy ) and she ended up by promising him a toy for each day he didn't hit her. Most of us can see that's not a good idea. With this approach you can create a situation where all good behaviour needs to be bargained for and that's not sustainable.

I do agree with consequences for actions. Not in a severely punitive sense though. More like "We don't have time to do (something nice) now. That's a shame."

And not engaging with her while she's screaming. "I can't hear what you're saying when you scream. I can only hear you when you speak."

Pick your battles and when you say no you have to mean it and stick to it. Certainly at this stage. In later years it's appropriate to discuss a compromise. Right now you need to establish that your child is not in charge of the family.

The idea of videoing an upset child is horrific by the way. As is the suggestion to scream back at her. Appalling. As a parent you are the adult and you need to model the behaviour you want to see.

You don't need to get angry but you do need to be firm. And calm.

Stick to your guns now… take a day off work and stick to your guns even if it takes all night! You need to show her now that screaming no longer worked…
I said the same to my friend about her twins that she always gave into… they’re now 13 and fight and slam doors and scream all night till they get their own way… they’ve even threatened to stab their parents!!….
honestly as hard as it is stick to your guns now and show her it will no longer work, the more she kicks off the more privileges she looses and NO means NO! Do not back down! You are the bosses!
don’t respond when she’s kicking off, take her to her bed and keep putting her back in it, when one of you starts feeling annoyed swap with the other parent and just keep doing it without talking to her… no snacks or drinks in bed… put some house rules on the wall.. a sticker chart and say if she’s good she gets a star, if she eats her tea nicely she gets desert, if she doesn’t then nothing!… if she goes to bed nicely she can have a treat the next day… then build up to bigger treats if she’s good 3 nights in a row, then 4 and build up.

She obviously needs to learn to accept boundaries by you sticking to your guns, but I'd also try to avoid turning everything onto a potential battle. Why did you say in the first place that she can't have more cheese? I would just have put a piece of cheese and a frater on the table and everyone can serve themselves. If she'd taken such as not leave anything for others, I'd point thus out, but usually kids get tired of grating quite soon. Offering more choices in general so that she feels overall in charge, and then hopefully having fewer battles, but in those battles you then really must not budge.

Sorry, I didn't mean to appear to be lecturing. Sometimes that happens with the autistic wiring :-) My intention was to give an alternative perspective on the behaviour. i.e. to consider that this may not be a spoilt child scenario, but something more complex. The OP's description seems to outside of the normal extremes/reactions that most parents experience, therefore normal remedies may not be effective. So: watch the behaviour closely; look for common components; explore (educate about) other possibilities. This may mean seeking a diagnosis and help, perhaps from professionals or parents with relevant experience.

ah okay. I don’t condone child’s behaviour, but as I say, reminds me of something that happened when I was young, and I was eventually diagnosed with autism. Hence me mentioning if it’s a possibility.

No phone, no silly demanding,scream away on your own. Does she scream at school?

I agree. Posters saying to video her remind me of the threads where men are videoing their wives to "show how crazy they are" or whatever other nonsense reason they're using to try to shame them into silence.

Absolutely.

You call a family meeting (all together) when she’s calm, sit her down & tell her that you and daddy are fed up with her naughty behaviour to get what she wants and it stops TODAY.

if she screams or acts inappropriately there will be consequences. Tablet taken away, screen time removed, play date cancelled, party invite revoked. Snacks removed from house,
meals with extras (like cheese) give her her own extras bowl, once she eaten that it’s gone, no more to be had. She is not the parent, she doesn’t control the household, so get strict.
when you go shopping and she asks for a toy, you so NO, you behaved badly yesterday so you lost that privilege.
Maybecreate a “Good girl star chart”, where there is a star for good behaviour and no star for bad and be strict with it, if she reaches certain amount of stars in a week, she gets a treat, but naughty children get nothing. If the bad behaviour is more focused on mealtimes or bedtime then concentrate on that area, if this behaviour is constant then make it an all day.
give her goals to work too, Daddy said if you behave today at mealtime and bedtime then he’ll treat us to cinema or McDonald’s or popcorn and movie night at home, and if she misbehaves you do not give her the treat no matter what. … you say, we’ll try again tomorrow but it’s not looking promising.

This. I'm startled (understatement) that the next step in this plan is to nonconsensually upload videos to YouTube, which would create a record of these kids' current behaviour that would not only expose them to bullying from peers and online strangers, but that could come back to haunt them 10 or 20 years from now. This isn't a solution, it's just a vindictive continuation of the power struggle. The practical problem with shame and humiliation-based strategies like this is that you have to make the consequence more and more extreme for it to have any effect, because the young people will either become desensitized to it or they'll ramp up their own behaviour to match. This is especially common for teenagers. I suspect that poster might be making a rod for their future back.

A much more serious problem with using humiliation as a teaching tool is the damage this does to the child and their relationships. This doesn't teach kids to do the right thing for the right thing's sake, it teaches them to do it because they're frightened of their parents. While this might seem like a nitpicky distinction to make when parents are worn out trying to cope and they'd do anything for one day's peace at home, the reality of it will hit hard further down the line. I saw it a lot as a teacher. Many of my pupils had been in YOIs, they'd all been excluded from school, and they were no strangers to punishment. It obviously hadn't solved anything, yet so many adults in their lives thought that the only solution was to do even more of it, often because they were feeling ashamed and humiliated at what they perceived as their own personal/professional failure and they wanted a sanctioned way to vent their frustration on the child. The last thing a parent or professional should do in this situation is act purely based on hurt feelings, as they're basically emulating the child without realising it if they do that. It's the adult's role to do the thinking and deciding, not to get sucked into the child's emotional vortex.

She could have Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and some neurodiversity children have it. Would be nice if you could find a specialist, an educational psychologist, your GP.

Watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Point out how vile Verruca is. Next time she starts say "Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!" Watch Labyrinth - let her realise that life isn't fair "but that's just the way it is".

And you mustn't give in to screaming. Look bored. Look at the clock. Yawn. Ask if she's done screaming yet.

When she's calm, ask why she thinks screaming is acceptable. She's six. Does she scream like that at school? Why does she think it's acceptable at home? What could she do instead? In the case of cheese on spaghetti she could ask if she could please possibly have some more cheese and explain why she needs it. Babies cry because they haven't the words yet to communicate. She has words now and she needs to use them.

Not meaning to pile on OP but she shouldn’t have a phone at her age. You need to be the boss and show her that she can’t rule the roost, it’s hard but you can do it. Best of luck

How have the past couple of days gone, OP?

Interesting so many posters are mentioning ADHD - we've just be told the not wanting to sleep and struggling to sleep and issues with transitions huge thing we had to manage for two of our kids are huge signs.

With transitions - countdowns - 10 minutes going to bed - talk about upcoming that day events even list with tick off times things we do before bed/before school. Sleep - glass of warm milk/lavender bath all help promote sleep as does consistent routine.

My youngest put herself to bed -toilet trained easily and never had issues with transition - even my older two had different difficult areas. You have to figure out what works for that particular child. Also sticker charts didn't work for one of mine at all made it all worse but it was amazing how many outsiders instead it was the answer and of course it would work.

All this suggested talking can just make things worse because they don't know why they are upset or acting like that because they are a child and don't yet have capacity to understand or explain why. As teens they can tell me too much choice can be overwhelming for them - they needed me to realise this myself at 6 and interceded.

I suspect you've been exhausted and its been easier to just give in as short term it works - long term putting the work in to model and manage their behavior is better - means daily life is easier and helps them understand what they need as they do get older.

What’s your advice to OP? She’s not reacting with violence, to date she’s always capitulated. What does watch and learn and educate yourself mean? You seem to be lecturing OP without any specific advice.

It was a rule, not up for discussion or negotiation, what can I say, we all stick by the rule

Kids like rules, they know where they stand. Something similar would work as it’s simple and clear.

I was that child. It was anxiety based. My mother reacted eventually by smacking, enough to leave marks. It 'taught' me that I couldn't trust my closest adult. Nothing else. The outcome was simply a withdrawn child, not developing natural confidence and afraid of many things. Well behaved on the surface and an unhealthy people pleaser. By adulthood I had a pattern of anxiety and chronic depression. Eventually in later life I was diagnosed as autistic. Things have improved since then. Self understanding helps. Be your child's advocate. Watch and learn from the situations. Educate yourself. It may be a spoilt child. But, it may not.

All this stuff is irrational. You need to talk to her about this behaviour before it starts, otherwise she is in no state to see her behaviour through her eyes.

Don’t discuss her bad behaviour when it is happening. I would talk about it during the day before any of you get wound up. Have this discussion daily until she sees sense. There is no way she will calm down when she is kicking off. Explain to her how what she did last night is naughty.
I would consider filming her doing this stuff and play it back to her and ask her to comment. It will take time but you need to create space to reason with her. You and your DH need to do this together imo.

I don't think adults need to negotiate with a 6 year old. The brain of the 6 year old cannot handle it.
Adults set the rules, its boring and repetative.

@whatswiththerain

How did it go last night?

My DS used to do this. We called it doodaaing, a silly name for silly behaviour.
The rule was that if you doodaa you miss out. We would literally look at him, face and tone relaxed and calmly say "if you doodaa you miss out" as many times as it took. And carry on with what the rest of the family were doing. Dessert? Yum! Oh but you are doodaaing so you missed out.

It was a rule, not up for discussion or negotiation, what can I say, we all stick by the rule.
It made me feel more in control, because I knew I just had stay calm and not respond apart from repeating the rule.
It worked.

I'm sorry OP, but there's a strong likelihood that she's Neuro Divergent. This is about control, she wants to be in control of her environment and body. She may have PDA and this is a type of demand avoidance. Very hard to deal with and you'll need some help. I'm so sorry, I've lived this and it's difficult. Mine is 11 now and much, much better. You need some support. No one understands unless they've been there. These kids do not back down. They will control you and your household. There's loads you can do to make it better, too much for me to write here. I would look up PDA, and autistic traits to see if she has any other traits, although it's very subtle in girls and 6 is too young to see the full picture. Sending you hugs x

Its worth investigating any SEND issues also as there may be a communication/ processing issue here that is causing this behaviour, but I'm assuming you/ school have done this?
Sometimes as you have said yourself, it is to do with how the parent has given in.
I am sorry you are experiencing this be strong