Ways to behave, boundaries and immediate consequences need to be clear, consistent and understandable.
Delayed retribution like only giving her a piece of cheese the following night won't work because her brain won't connect the late consequences with the previous day's behaviour. And if she's been good all day, the perceived unfairness will hit hard.
Angry emotional reactions like chucking her dinner away and dragging her to bed are the adult equivalent of screaming. Don't use unpleasant power to force behaviour (which is what she's currently doing to you).
Get together with your husband and agree your strategy and share it with grandparents, teachers, etc, and stick to it.
Limit that phone - you've already said responses here have given you pause for thought.
Have set phrases and standard procedures you both reach for, so your actions aren't driven by exasperation or despair.
And always remember, you're creating a child and a teen who'll want friends, a young woman who'll want relationships, maybe partner and kids, colleagues.
Help your child to not become the adult whose behaviour gets complained about here on Mumsnet!
Have a trawl for books on parenting young children and adolescents - there'll be two of them in the house before you know it, and educating yourself will only benefit you all.
Incidentally - how much attention is your 'well behaved' older child getting, while the screamer has the spotlight firmly pulled onto herself?