Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

The thing with neurodivergence though is that yes, of course those children still need parenting, but parenting a ND child looks (and feels!) very, very different to parenting a NT child, though it's often aimed at achieving the same outcomes. If you throw PDA into the autism spectrum, for example, the strategies recommended by professionals to achieve the right outcomes are actually completely alien to most parents. I say this as the parent of one NT child, and one who is on the autism assessment pathway. Also, an autistic child who is, say, 6 years old, may have the social, emotional and communication skills (complete with the emotional dysregulation) most often seen in toddlers. We set them against a false benchmark, comparing them to similarly aged children, which, developmentally speaking, is completely inaccurate. That's not to say they cannot or should not learn how to respond more appropriately, just that it yields better results when you take a different approach. Op's dd sounds like my dd about that age, when she reached such a low point (mental breakdown) that we began to forget just how wonderful (and rule/ boundary abiding!) she normally is. She fell apart shortly after starting school - used all her energy holding everything together at school, adhering to all the rules and social norms, became an absolute monster at home. Until then, the only thing 'different' about her had been some tactile sensitivity (shoes/ socks annoying her) during periods of transition (such as leaving for a day out).

Op's dd likely isn't ND and there's plenty of advice here for her to choose from and try out in the first instance. But if the usual parenting strategies don't work, she may find that looking at some of those recommended for ND children may work - even if she doesn't believe her dd is ND.

Just say no. You need to tell her that she is a big girl now and screaming is for babies. If she continues to act like a baby, you will have no choice but to treat her like one. Tell her she will need to go back into a cot. Go to bed earlier. Have other nice "big girl" things taken away.

PPs are right. You are reinforcing her bad behaviour by caving to it. Stop now, or she will never outgrow it. You will be doing her a favour, teaching her that she must learn to regulate her own emotions when she doesn't get what she wants. It is called parenting.

So u need to stop giving in she knows if she screams she gets her own way, break the cycle it’ll b a hard couple of weeks, but u have allowed her to become a monster.

There also seems to be a suggestion that if a child may have ASD traits that this means they can't be parented. It often seems to suggest parents are incapable of addressing issues or that a diagnosis means a child.need have no boundaries or expectations.

Sometimes I'm sure it may be helpful- especially in moving away from the idea that behaviour must be rewarded or punished, and revealing the limitations of authoritarianism parenting.

But.it can often too easily support the idea of permissive parenting, which is disempowering and potentially harmful.

The best approach imo is the moderate and.middle road in which we do our best to communicate with children and help them to learn, maintain strong boundaries and compassion. That should help all children, ASD or not.

This. It seems like every child who has tantrums these days,or flap their arms with excitement which can also be very normal, people scream autism or ADHD. Obviously there are children who after a long period of assessment will eventually be diagnosed as autistic. There needs to be a whole host of very specific symptoms. To suggest a child has autism due to normal temper tantrums, which although hard work they usually grow out of it, is imo disrespectful to people managing children with autism on a daily basis.

Please can people just stop saying 'autism'. Not every issue is down to that: and not every person with autism will scream and scream for hours. Even if s/he has autism there has to be a way to manage it, not just keep saying 'autism'. FWIW my adult son has autism and ADHD, he had meltdowns as a child and still becomes agitated, but it's not screaming for hours. Autism covers a huge range of behaviours and reactions. I don't know if this child has it, no one will unless there is an assessment, but there will be other indicators of autism.

Have you heard of autism?

Probably been said many times on this thread before, but just ignore her.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast this is a great response!

Op if she's 6 why does she have a phone? She's too young surely? Maybe nip that in the bud. Does her older sister get to take her phone to bed? They share a room you said? She will think it grossly unfair if her perfectly well behaved older sister is taunting her witha phone abd she isn't allowed one. Maybe her sister should hang out in your bedroom until little sis has fallen asleep? We used to do this on holidays when my DS had to share a room. 4 year age gap. It worked well.

A child with autism needs rules just as much as a NT child (perhaps even more). Talking from experience the boundaries need to be firm and non negotiable. Without boundaries any child is anxious but an autistic child even more so. You can talk softly, be compassionate saying you understand their anger but don't ever budge. Rules are rules and believe me autistic children adhere to rules firmly put in place religiously. When we were in hurry once I told my DS he didn't have to brush his teeth because we were running late. Total meltdown because brushing teeths in the morning were one if the rules😅. It would have saved us time to just have let him folllow the morning routine..

The thing is even if the child is ND, she still needs consistency, probably even more so. She's still learnt that screaming gets what she wants/feels she "needs" it's just that sometimes she has to scream a bit and other times she "has to" keep it up for hours to get there.

@whatswiththerain I hope you're ok, especially after the weekend. How has school been going now they're back full time?

@whatswiththerain

How are you getting on now?

I was thinking the same thing OP

This! ☝🏻 100%!

You've made a rod for your own back by eventually giving in. She knows that all she has to do is keep screaming and eventually she will win. Only you can break the cycle by determinedly NOT giving in! You are the adult, she is the child, but at the moment, the child rules the house. That's never a good situation.

This is not normal. Your child might have autism. Do they have any sensory sensitivities or other unusual behaviours?

She sounds like a child of a friend who has been diagnosed with PDA. Have you looked into that?

My daughter has autism with PDA. Diagnosed at camhs. Explained so much.

I am sorry you’re dealing with this… at 6 years old I would do ear plugs and let her cry it out. Time outs for tantrums. Start taking toys away or other unpleasant consequences for these tantrums..

Also, my son had horrible behavior until we removed dairy and gluten from his diet. We did something called GAPS diet. We had a very healthy diet before this, BUT for some children casein proteins from Commercial cow dairy can really affect mood and behavior. So can gluten for those who are sensitive to it.

An elimination diet is very helpful to figure out dietary triggers and can work miracles in a child’s behaviors. You may want to consider eliminating dairy, gluten, and all sugar and processed foods for 3-4 weeks to see any changes.

My son is autistic, with a PDA profile, and I did wonder if the OP’s daughter could be autistic. It’s difficult to offer advice on one post though. The OP could certainly look to see if her daughter n fits any of the traits

I had a child like that. Turned out she had autism. It is difficult to spot in girls. And if it's autism, your advice won't work.

@petrometro please don't post child abuse tips online. Reported.

What the actual fuck.

Oh dear dear. One day your daughter will be a teenager, she’ll be going out on her own, and with friends exploring life, and that will be the time when rules will keep her safe. If you allow her to continue on this path by ruling the roost you are setting yourselves up for some very serious problems and worry.
It takes 21 days to break a habit, reward the behaviour you do want and ignore the behaviour you don’t want, stick it out, stop backing down and deal with the screaming tantrums by closing down all communication with her, no shouting, no speaking, no eye contact, NOTHING, because getting the tiniest bit of attention will feed her behaviour. Let her scream. When she stops tell her she’s good and that you love her, when she starts again (and she will) repeat the above, no matter how many hours it goes on for. You are the adults, but right now DD is in charge… who are the parents here? You have a duty to your DD to raise her to have good manners and to follow rules, and to respect you as her parents.
When she’s at school there’s rules, when she older and at work there’ll be rules, she’ll be told what she can and cannot do, that’s life. By constantly giving in you’re giving her the wrong message, she wins every time, she’s in charge for God sake and she’s only 6! This won’t help her as an adult because it will be ingrained that by going into a strop she will get what she wants. It will affect future relationships and friendships and that’s not fair on her.
Start on an evening when there’s no school the following day… oh and having her friend around on Saturday… tell her quite clearly when she gets home from school on Friday that if any of the screaming begins then it’s not happening, but if she’s good (no screaming) then she can have the friend over, that’s the reward for good behaviour. She will test you, she will scream, but this is where you begin, and stick to it.
The choice is yours, a few days of exhausting hell, or a lifetime of it, and eventually a ruined relationship with your daughter. She’ll hate you for a while, and that will hurt, but she needs to understand the meaning of respect, and that she cannot always have what she wants on demand, and you’ll reap the rewards of a better future with her.