Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

I try and separate children's requests into two categories. Things they've asked for that seem unusual but are actually harmless and things that really are unreasonable requests.

For example, mummy can we go and look in that bin? (This is a real example). My first thought was of course not. But actually it's safe, it's harmless, it doesn't cost money or involve a huge investment of time and energy. So my answer was yes, we can look in the bin to see what's in there.

Same with stuff like, can I watch the same episode of the same programme ten times in a row, can I go and stand in that puddle (in sensible shoes), can I put stickers on my face etc.

I'd class the cheese request in that category. Unless there's a particular reason why she shouldn't be allowed to eat cheese or it's becoming an excessive amount of cheese, I really don't see the harm in it. I sometimes go and grate myself some more cheese for pasta.

So, ask yourself is it dangerous, is it reasonable?

When it is dangerous or it is genuinely unreasonable, you explain very clearly the rationale behind your decision. Children like things to make sense. They have a strong sense of unfairness. So you can just take things away or punish them unless it's clear why it's happening.

Don't just say no. Explain why it isn't a good idea.

When the answer is no, you never ever go back on that. I don't need to explain what happens if you show that your word is inconsistent.

Keep saying no, keep explaining yourself. Remain empathetic. You can say things like, I appreciate this isn't what you wanted and it's upsetting for you. But don't get emotional. Don't shout. Don't show that you're stressed or at breaking point. Keep calmly saying no and explaining why.

It might be that you need to spend a while on this to break this habit but eventually the message will get through.

This. Warn the neighbours that she's actually not being murdered and just let her scream. Tough.

This^ pick your battles.
And never threaten if you are not going to implement the threat.
Make sure that she is not tired, hungry or overexcited it might. It usually makes things worse.

Good advice here. But also pick your battles, why couldn’t you let her have more cheese? A bit arbitrary boundary. Make sure you have clear, consistent and logical boundaries / rules, communicate them and once you established them DO NOT GIVE IN

I wouldn't have an issue with giving her more cheese if she wants it or a drink or snack at bedtime. I would say no to the toy or phone at bedtime. As others have said, it's worth thinking really carefully about what you need to say no to and what isn't worth the battle. Then you have your list of non-negotiables which you can communicate with her very clearly on in advance and consistently and be a united front on as well. If she's screaming and disturbing her sister in bed I would move her to another room where she can scream and not disturb her. She's working through big feelings so it's important to try to stay calm, give her space and be there for her emotionally. I would recommend the 'peaceful parenting' website and Laura Markham's books too as well as the explosive child book.

'crack her'? JFC.

Idk what you have on the sticker chart but it should be a daily thing. We worked with a child psychologist when dd was 6. She had a sticker chart with easier and more difficult things on and dd earned points and could get things from the points. So she could choose to spend the points or accumulate them eg 10 points a magazine, 20 points a hair accessory, 50 points a day trip to a favourite place. If I was doing this again, I’d have one of them as no screaming (albeit I’d rather it was a positive statement than a negative eg calm voices but that doesn’t work as well). In the beginning that will be hard so I would give 2 warnings ie 2 episodes, where she calms down once you’ve warned her and still earn the sticker. If she does it a 3rd time, the sticker can’t be earned. I also used to confiscate a treasured item (never a comfort toy) for really bad behaviour for 24 hours and longer if the poor behaviour continued. I did tell dd the ground rules first to prevent it from being punitive.

As for tackling the screaming, cast iron boundaries are needed. Decide what you will and won’t accept and the consequences and follow through.

What are you afraid of? Let her scream. She has learnt that screaming gets results but she cant scream forever. Honestly you need to stand up to a six year old.

If you want it to change you have to stay consistent. No backing down when tired/had a hard day etc. You have to make a choice as a family to tackle this head on or it will get worse. She needs clear direction before, during and after.

You need to start by explaining to her that it is ok to feel annoyed of frustrated when she doesn't get what she wants but it is not ok to scream. Explain that inside voices are to be used and ask what she feels she can do if she feels annoyed. Come up with something together such as shake it out or hold your fingers up and she has to blow them out like candles on a cake.

Check she has heard what you are asking to do eg "You can have 1 portion of cheese. Once it has been eaten there will be no more cheese. How many portions of cheese can you have? 1 that's right!"

She will inevitably scream the first few times but you really need to stay firm and ride it out. Once she has calmed right down and it's been a little while since the screaming to back to "It's ok to feel annoyed it's not ok to scream. Shall we practice (shake it off or whatever you decide to do)"

What ever you do you do not yell at her for yelling as its completely counter productive

Tomorrow needs to be the start of a new chapter. And her arse needs to not touch the ground. You are in charge, no means no, and she can scream herself hoarse but you won’t give up.
You are obviously a good parent as you have one very nice child. This one has been ruling the roost and making your lives miserable. Tomorrow it stops.
Buckle up. It’s going to be tough. But you can crack her by Christmas.

I don't know that it's just about stoically waiting for her to stop screaming, either.

It doesn't have to be a battle of wills. You just need to be the adult here, which is often harder than it sounds!

It sounds to me like she is trying to express some deep worry or fear. She's not getting the listening she needs, so she is screaming.

All behaviour is communication - your DD needs your help, OP. Something is bothering her and she needs you to listen, put clear and firm boundaries (rules) in place, and then gently and calmly help her to navigate her likely emotional response.

Make a very visible change in the kitchen.
Like bright table cloth, party bunting or anythingbright cheerful to be noticed.
This new item is hanging
Will she ask you or mention it?
When she does say
That’s right, we are changing and doing things differently. We have a happy kitchen now.
You address both of them.

What I’m doing is being mummy, and preparing and serving family meals that they will eat. We are speaking nicely and if we don’t like something, we don’t eat it. But there is not other food … other than toast with spread. If you don’t want the food, please politely request bread with spread.
Then the kitchen is closed.

These changes are also for bath, bedtime, in shops, in the car.

If any family member wants something, doesn’t like something, had anything to say - we all speak nicely, including mum. If you think I can’t hear you, please raise your hand like at school. No shouting.
Any shouting, we all stop talking. We go home. It’s all over .
Be sure you are also directing at the sibling.
And mean it.
She has to get zero zero zero attention. Just change your mummy face down to neutral, tidy up & walk away quietly and do some other task. Leave her screaming. And next time she makes a request for a thing, activity … I need to think about it. Did you follow the new rules on Sunday? Tell me what happened on Sunday. Make her say it.

Take no shit, but do it calmly.

You could try looking at some of the things on this profile. This is all about connecting and not getting into cycles of shouting. So a very different approach to some of the suggestions above and might be worth a try given where you are at.

www.instagram.com/peaceandparenting?igsh=ZnQzYzJzemJ0N3V2

I don't yet have much experience of 6 year old child, but have used some of ideas to help cope with situations with my toddler and I really like the sound of these methods.

I think there’s a difference between being strict and being consistent.

How does she behave at school?

you've been asked this several times and I can’t see an answer.

You need to stand your ground for 3 or 4 standoffs and she'll learn it doesn't work. A tantrum is a lot of effort if you don't get anything out of it!

My DD4 is a similar temperament and sometimes she will scream for hours, but it's getting less often because she's learning that all she gets out of it is a sore throat. You have to toughen up. Get some earplugs if you need to.

When you give into her, you're sending the message that she's in control, not you. That's terrifying for her. She's 6, she knows she can't be in control, someone needs to be taking charge of the situation and her parents aren't capable of it. She might be screaming for cheese but what she desperately wants is to find where the line is and see you hold the boundaries.

You can empathise, if you can get a word in between the screams, you can say, "Oh, I can see that makes you feel really bad. I like cheese too, but if we only eat cheese it's not good for us," but you can't give in.

And try to limit the amount of "No" you say if you know it's going to be a battle. I'm guessing part of the reason you gave in on the cheese was because it wasn't actually that big of a deal to you. She doesn't know that, she thinks you made a choice for her health and then immediately u-turned when it got tough. If you just said yes to start with then you wouldn't have reinforced bad behaviour.

So did she eat her dinner or was she hungry later. It sounds as if she does not have boundaries. Limit her choices, put cheese in a small pot fir her to add on the understanding no more when it is empty, for example. What do you do between school and supper? By 7 she may be overtired, put her to bed earlier. Does she get up early , fresh or exhausted?

'We said no but she went on and on and screamed the house down refusing to eat it until I put more cheese on.'

You must not give in.

You will have the screaming an dabs a few more times but she will then release that her screaming is no longer an effective tool in manipulating you.

If you're concerned about neighbours, and the tantrum is during the day then one of you take her out in the car and park up. No tv, no stimulation and no audience for her to scream for. It will test you but you need to break the hold she has on you.

If it's at nighttime then it's going to be harder.

I'd think of something to aim for such as having a star chart where you tick off the nights she's gone go bed without making a fuss and when it's x amounts of ticks in a row there is a small reward or treat.

I think there is also a book about parenting a defiant child.

Also, this article:

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/8-year-old-tantrums-is-this-normal

In short, she's looking for a boundary from you. You need to say no, calmly and kindly, and then compassionately help her to work through her feelings.

This. Well said @Maria1979
I'm interested to know what she's like at school.

I’m in a similar position. My son is on the pathway to be diagnosed with autism/adhd - just for context. He screams and cries at the top of his lungs, hits and lashes out. It can go on for a long time and in the end I end up giving in because he’s always in tears and I cuddle him and give him what he wants because I feel like it’s my fault that he’s got into that state. I’m also a single parent so it all falls on me to ‘deal with’ so I probably do give in too quickly or I’ll end up crying and screaming with him. It’s exhausting and emotional and the worst part is that there is no right or wrong answer or solution.

Of course because she does it because she does get her way. You need to let her scream and not get her way.

Never, never ever say ‘no’ to a child or threaten consequences for something and fail to follow through. Think very carefully about the things which are really important. When you do threaten consequences or say ‘no’ however long it takes however hard it is you must just keep going. Let her scream.

This book is pretty good:

https://drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm