Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

My 5 year old is also prone to the extended shit fits. We don’t give in to her (as often it’s not even possible) and for her it’s usually triggered by something else - if she’s tired, had a bad day, feeling unwell etc. and it’s almost like she needs an outlet for all her pent up feelings and it’s not really about the cheese or whatever. Something I’ve found is that she often needs a way “back” from the tantrum/meltdown - another option instead of cheese/no cheese. So I might offer a glass of water, a hug, something neutral that helps break the endless back and forth of I want x / you can’t have x. It doesn’t usually break the spell immediately but definitely helps her move on.

If she’s behaving herself in school then do you think she’s well aware of how to manipulate you?

im sure folk will be along to tell me
that she’s probably masking etc but honestly she sounds like a little madam who needs swiftly put in her place.

She's a child, it's what they do! It sounds like you're trying your best but exhausted. I've no helpful suggestions, other than to say it will work out in the end.

No she doesn’t, she sounds spoilt! She has learned that screaming gets her her own way and she is holding her family to ransom with her foul temper.

OP we are all behind you. You can do this. Tomorrow firm Mum is in town. Her life is about to be turned upside down and she will hate it, but you will all be happier in the long run.

Lots of great advice here. I just wanted to add that big little feelings on Instagram is great for explaining how toddler brains work and gives lots of advice on sticking to boundaries etc.
I'd also be careful about sticker charts and rewards to incentivise etc...emerging thinking is that oftentimes this makes children feel like they're 'bad' a lot of of the time and only 'good' when they get rewards. It might work short-term but ultimately you want them to do it as normal behaviour and because you have a good relationship, not because they think they might get a reward (not saying it's never appropriate just throwing it out there).

Like others have said she’s learnt that screaming eventually works. It’s so hard but you have to hold out. I appreciate how difficult that is though. She needs to learn that screaming doesn’t work and the only way is to battle through and ignore her

Put earplugs in and ignore her. She's controlling you.

This a battle you HAVE to win. She needs to get the message that you will reward good behaviour, not bad.

Oh goodness...This is how one would reinforce behaviour- Your Daughter has basically ''trained'' you to give in to screaming.

Children are quick to learn if a parent is likely to give in- and they can really put the pressure on with the decibels.

She sounds autistic. I’m not condoning her behaviour, I just say it as an autistic person who had similar issues as a kid. It’s maybe worth speaking to the GP.

also, is she getting enough sleep? You say she goes up to bed at 7. When does she actually tend to go to sleep? Does she sleep through or wake up throughout?

Just want to say im so glad to see a parent who acknowledges asd is not an excuse for bad behaviour and treats people with it like any other child

Put headphones on with loud music and ignore. She'll get the hint eventually.

you need to tell her no then completely ignore the screaming, go about your business as if you can’t hear her, put headphones on if you have to. She will eventually stop. My eldest has asd and he used to roll round on the floor screaming to get what he wanted, I didn’t give in but once I started completely ignoring the behaviour he stopped doing it.

She keeps screaming because she knows youll give in. If you put your foot down with her, shell realise she's wasting her energy and settle for what she has.
Dont respond to the demands, dont cave in. Just ignore, dont even give her the attention she wants.

I know from experience, i went through it with my youngest daughters and it is bloody hard work, but giving in is the worst thing you can do

This is another great shout. Choices can be a brilliant way of getting them to do what you want.

Do you want to wear the blue shoes or the red shoes? Either way, they're putting on shoes.

How many times have you actually followed through. E.g. 'if you don't tidy your room then we won't go to the cinema on Saturday' or 'you wanted spag bol, asked for cheese, and then refused to even eat a quarter of it so you'll now go to bed without any tea' etc.

At six, she's smart enough to know that if she keeps up the screaming/whingeing long enough she'll get her own way.

Assuming she's not ND then this is simply a case of you needing to be completely consistent with the rules you set out and the consequences you explain. You and your partner (and any other adults) need to work as a team and be completely consistent. You'll likely have a few days - maybe even a couple of weeks - of endless screaming. But once she learns it's your way or the highway then she'll change.

Never negotiate with terrorists. If she won't go to bed when she's meant to, turn out the downstairs lights, leave her downstairs and go up to bed yourself. Tell her you're off to bed and she can come and have a cuddle and a bedtime story or stay down in the dark by herself. They get bored and lonely pretty quickly downstairs by themselves.

My BIL is a very unpleasant selfish man who expects to always get his own way. He will get angry and verbally abusive and cut contact for long periods if everything isn't just how he wants it. It doesn't work with DH and me however he has caused MIL so much unhappiness over the years.

I've known him since he was a small child. One day, after a big bust-up, she asked me again and again why he was so selfish and nasty and didn't think of others. I gave her a couple of examples of how he'd ruled the household when he was little. (FIL was very meek and mild and would get a hard time from MIL if he tried to enforce any discipline).

Her answer: "He screamed and screamed until he got what he wanted so what could I do?" Says it all really.

One of my own kids was very "spirited" and I had to seriously take him on at the age of three. We had a few tough weeks until he realised he wasn't in charge of the family and he was a lovely boy from then on.

It can be done and you really have to do it, however hard at the time.

You are adults with a lifetime of experience. Your DD is 6. You can out wit her and out wait her. You and your DH need to look at each other in the eyes, steel yourselves and be ready to stick by your guns.

When she next does this, let her scream. Remain calm, let her know that screaming will not get her what she wants. Just let her get on with it. Give her as little attention as possible. It might take days, but you can do it.

Good luck!

I know how incredibly tough this kind of behaviour is. I’d also be wondering if anything else is going on. Has she always struggled with boundaries and regulating her emotions? I’d be ruling out any other issues first and then having a clear chat with her and explaining that things are going to change and set clear but firm boundaries with lots of empathy and support when she’s kicking off while not caving. So rather than repeatedly saying no once you’ve set the boundary which can inflame the situation, acknowledging that you can see that she’s really upset and she really wanted more cheese and empathising that it must be tough this avoids that constant head to head battle. Also remaining very calm whilst doing this and adding in some humour or distraction too. In the first instance I’d choose your battles carefully and not to head to head with everything. I had a very explosive child who was struggling with anxiety and some other health issues and this approach has worked really well. I imagine she’s also very tired if bedtimes are a battle too which will make her behaviour worse and it’s worth looking at her diet too, is she getting plenty of protein throughout the day and not too much sugar, to balance her blood sugar levels as this can make a difference. I also found reducing any tv to a minimum was a game changer for my child too. If bedtimes are a big issue can you switch up her routine to add in something new that she’ll really enjoy. I hope things improve for you.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Take a few days off work so you can sleep whilst she’s at school. Tell her that things are changing and follow through. Sympathise how you know it’s hard for her, but from now on you will say it twice and then you will ignore her. And follow through with the grey rock.

Also she might just be hungry if you eat at 5 and go to bed at 7, offer her milk and banana before bed - something simple and carby. Hunger often means tantrums