Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Great post

eg take her phone to bed

Do you mean an actual phone? Because you said she is 6 which seems... odd/unhealthy/wrong (delete as appropriate)

If its an actual phone... that should go tomorrow too.

I do agree with others about the cheese... unless shes obese...whats the problem? And who cares? My dd is younger but literally ate 3 alices or cheese and melon for lunch on sunday - no drama from us. She then sat and ate a full roast with veg for dinner with extra carrots...

It seems unnecessarily controlling to not let her have more cheese. Why pick this to fight over when you know what she's like? Limit sweets yes, but why cheese? Assuming no reason such as not enough cheese to go round etc.

My kids are mostly pretty good but if I arbitrarily tried to control what they ate they would kick off too I'm sure.

Maybe she needs more choice and control. Some things are non negotiable but let her have her own way if it doesn't matter. Or give her limited choice.

Similarly taking a toy into school. Mine sometimes wants to take a toy, she knows it has to stay in her bag or pocket, the teacher might tell her off if she gets it out in class, it might get lost. If she still wants to take the toy it's up to her.

She's 6, not a toddler. Controlling every aspect of her life is not normal. Just because her sister is good and compliant it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your other child - she just has a different personality.

The harsh treatment suggested on here is not the answer if you want a happy cooperative child. She will learn that you're stronger than her but that is all. You need to think about the underlying reasons for the behaviour.

but the girl is screaming for hours- that’s not exactly fun for anyone!

However- despite my above post - I do also believe in picking your battles. In this case, I'd probably just have given more cheese! I also like to re add cheese half way through eating my dinner.

Op, I feel your pain.

Your dd sounds very similar to mine - it's as if everything is a total overreaction if she doesn't get her way.

I suggest putting her to bed earlier. We noticed that my DD's demands were much worse when she was tired. She's overtired.

I do think she will improve - DD is 7 (8 in Jan 2025) and is much better than she was this time last year.

The mere hint of unreasonableness (crying for no reason, etc) I automatically think - bedtime.

Or hungry.

We have a good snack before bed and all is well.

DD used to ask for cheese etc after getting in bed ( which I have to admit sometimes giving in) but TBH she just grew out if it.

It's a control thing.

Pick your battles

The phone really has to be a non negotiable at bed time.

I feel for your older daughter, it must be hard having to share a room when one is being rowdy, but worth getting your boundaries strong NOW rather than later on as she gets older.

I made mistakes with DC ''giving in'' for a short term bit of peace, and it was the worst thing I could have done.

Saying ''you aren't going to so XYZ because you didn't do ABC - then when the weekend came, I'd cave and let him do XYZ.

Such a mistake!

We laugh about it now {he's adult} but he says absolutely boundaries have to be kept.

@CurlyhairedAssassin such a balanced and helpful post, thanks. I'll try to take the advice on board for when my DD is older!

I’d make sure first that you and your DH are on the same page. So you talk through a plan of action and know exactly how you will give your DD consequences.
Tell your DD that screaming stops today. Tell her what consequences she is going to have.
decide on when she is allowed phone and how many treats a day. Never increase/decrease the allowance. Your daughter doesn’t know what she’s allowed and what she’s not. Tell her what the boundaries are and explain why. E g ‘no more than an hour of TV a day’ doctors say more will turn your brain into cheese (using Dahl here).
Thats it. Firm boundaries and adhere to it. In a week or so you will have a brand new child

Have you tried putting punishments in place for this behaviour? Aka no tele the next time if you scream for hours after bedtime. If you haven’t put any consequences in place aside from holding out then giving in after a few hours then start now. Take her toys away or whatever it is that will be a suitable punishment until she learns

I don't disagree on the advice about boundaries and holding firm, not giving into screaming. What sometimes helps me though when my 4.5year old kicks off is distracting them with something silly and ridiculous. It's hard to do when you are grumpy too but it can stop a tantrum in its tracks or avoid it, as they are no longer fixating on the thing that set them off. Good luck

I've found the following to help:

remaining with them, not fleeing, not isolating them
saying 'I understand'
calmly repeating boundaries
not arguing
not threatening
not bribing
not reacting strongly (this includes laughing when it gets ridiculous)
gentle patting to reassure you're there
showing you aren't afraid of big emotions

All helps to reduce the severity and duration.

I think most parents go through this with one of their kids. It's quite often the youngest, because they're the "baby", and excuses are made for them. I remember my youngest being the same. When he used to get beside himself when he was little because he couldn't have his own way I just used to kneel down at his level and say very firmly but calmly "I told you you couldn't do X and I mean it. You are NOT going to do X. I can see you've got yourself all in a tizz and angry about that so you can just calm down in your room for a while and come back to play/carrying on doing whatever activity when you're ready." When he used to come out of his tantrum and reappeared I wouldn't mention the incident at all, only to breezily say "Oh hello! Feeling better? I'm just doing X/Y/Z, do you want to help me?" Just move on from it.

When they're very little they're just about learning boundaries, and how to manage their emotions when their wishes are thwarted. The emotions they have are natural and normal, and it's important to acknowledge that you recognise that sometimes their feelings are difficult for them.

Once they are older, though, unless there are any ND issues it's often purely just about a battle of wills and manipulating the situation to get their own way. I've seen it at school (where I work) with NT 6 year olds screaming and shouting in anger and stamping their foot because they simply don't want to do something you've asked them to do. They switch between quiet and calm to the full shouty stampy mode depending on who is watching and who they think they can manipulate by their behaviour. Often they are the youngest in the family and have just been babied and let get away with murder because of that.

Well done! Keep us updated so we can support you!

(get rid of the phone - too young for one. They’re highly addictive and your life will be easier without the battle of getting it off her).

She's not angry, she's very clever, knows what she wants and how to get it...she's just got you under her thumb!! She'll get one hell of a shock if you start parenting her, but if you keep up with path of least resistance, you'll be back on here asking for advice for an unruly teenager, whose turned your house into a chaotic war zone.
Nip it in the bud. Be strong and let her scream, tantrum and shout. She'll stop eventually, and within a few days she learn bad behaviour doesn't get her what she wants, and peace will be restored to your home.

Pure manipulation.

Why does a 6 year old have a phone?

I would advise you to check your daughter isn't neurodiverse able to hold it in at school but let's it all out when she is with you as you are her safe place if she is neurodiverse then normal parenting techniques do not always work

My youngest (nearly 6) would do exactly the same if we were to give in. As most others have said, you have trained her to scream by giving in. She knows if she goes on for long enough, she will get what she wants. We leave our child in a safe place where we know they won't get hurt and let them get their anger out.

For the regular triggers (such as bedtime), you need to tell her at a calm stage of the day that things are changing and what will happen. Be clear that if she screams, it is no longer going to result in you giving in. She is much more likely to listen to what you have to say

Be under no illusion - the first few times are going to be hell for you because you have taught her to scream longer and harder until she gets what she wants. She will keep going as much as she can...after she has not won, she will start to get the message.

Also, as others have said, keep up the praise for when things are going well and demonstrate that doing things the right way results in positive outcomes.

She’s 6 and has her own phone? If she’s prone to dysregulation I’m not sure giving her something known to be addictive is a good idea. How did it get to her having her own phone? What does she use it for?

They're not letting her rule the roost at school, are they? Maybe seek some advice from the teachers?

She can't scream forever; eventually, she'll run out of steam and fall asleep. If it takes six hours, so be it.

Or, you know, be on here in ten years when she's bigger than you, helplessly saying you just can't do anything about her stealing your car and driving it drunk (or whatever) because she pitches a fit if you tell her no. It really is your choice.

Please don't tell us you give a 6 year old a phone at bedtime. Parents need to parent.