Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Let her scream - she will get exhausted before you do if you ignore her, and I mean ignore her. Limit screen time before bedtime, make sure bedtime routine is always the same etc. When she demands something over and over state the rule e.g. she has had a glass of water and there is to be no more while she screams at you. Also, has it occurred to you that she may be on the autism spectrum?

just to follow up on this with cheese gate.

I would have allowed them more cheese but said that was all they would get until they ate some of their dinner.

If they then ate the cheese, demanded more, i would repeat what i said earlier, if you want more cheese, eat some of your dinner.

If they started screaming/demanding and refusing to eat i would simply say "I told you my rule, eat more food you can have more cheese.

If they continued to refuse i'd simply tell them i don't respond to screaming, if they don't want their dinner, they can leave it, but i won't be giving them more cheese until they eat more.

Then it is their choice if they eat and get more cheese, and i am not threatening to take their food away. i would ignore any further screaming and not respond to it, other than the odd reminder that screaming gets them nothing, eating gets them more cheese.

Set your boundary, don't shout, be firm, don't budge. repeat the boundary.

Don’t give in no matter how hard it is otherwise she will just continue to scream until you cave in.
And put your fingers in your ears and ‘La La La’ until she finally gives in or scream back - shock tactics needed perhaps.

You just need to find ways to cope until the screaming ends and never, ever give in again.

It will stop eventually even if only because she is too tired or too hoarse to continue.
You can't give in then and say because you stopped you can have whatever it is.
It has to be a firm unchanging NO means NO.

She will probably escalate and try harder for a fair few times at first, but she will learn it doesn't work any more.

I know it's distressing to see/hear/deal with, but if you'd put your foot down when she started this, it wouldn't be so bad now.
You taught her this works.

Maybe leave the room, or put on headphones and listen to music?

You create this problem and entrench it in her behaviour every single time you give in.

You have to just endure the screaming because bad as it will be at first stopping it at 6, just imagine how hard it will be if she is 16 and still using this as a technique when she's too big for you to deal with if she gets physical.

Maybe let your other child who shares a room sleep in another room for a few nights so she doesn't have to be in the middle of it?
Or could she stay at a relatives house for a few nights?
It's really unfair on her.

That's only going to make her angrier.

Children get angry. They find it difficult to regulate their emotions. You don't punish children for having emotions, unless you want to cause emotional damage and problems later.

If you behave unreasonably, you're not setting an example as to why she should behave reasonably.

I would be pissed off as an adult if someone threw my dinner in the bin. Think about it.

If "being yourself" involves demanding what you want and screaming until you get it, I highly recommend you work on changing yourself.

You seem to think we're discussing a baby who cannot understand reason or hasn't yet developed the link between behaviour and consequences. However, you also seem to think she's mature and competent enough to make big decisions that will impact on her health? Which is it?

She's not in distress, she wants something she can't have and she's learned that screaming gets her that thing. Sometimes we do not get everything we want in life, and as a parent your job is not to give them everything they want, it's to ensure they have the best possible opportunity to grow into a happy and healthy individual, and allowing them to stay up all night on a screen or eat only cheese is taking that opportunity from them.

@whatswiththerain

she has such a cheeky endearing smile and sweet laugh that when she's happy it's quite hard to imagine she's the same child.

I think you have to forget that she can be endearing & sweet as she is clearly able to behave when it suits her. You need to go cold turkey & stick with it.

I would also say pick your battles. More cheese on spaghetti might not be worth falling out over.

Just stick to your guns as she has clearly picked up that you will eventually give in!!

This make no sense. Its comletely normal to say yes to some things and no to others. "Can I have an apple" "yes". "Can I have sweets" "no" or "not until after dinner". You can't say no to all requests just to show your child who is boss!
The point of choosing some non negotiables beforehand is so that OP has the resolve to stick to her nos. She needs to pick her battles so that she she has the strength to the hold the boundary.

She’s 6 and she has a phone?

If you aren’t going to take it off her permanently , which I think you should, she should be told very clearly that if there is any more screaming, the phone is going. Get down to her level snd speak very clearly to her. ‘Stop this now, or …’

You and your DH need to agree to stick at this . It isn’t going to be easy but it has to be done.

Have you seen the price of cheese atm?!

We're measuring it out with a ruler in this house.

*proprioceptive input. Perhaps she could benefit from some sensory integration to help become regulated

The more I think about it and with the updates you do sound overly controlling, though of course the screaming issue needs to be addressed.

What do you say when she expresses these huge displays of emotion and frustration?

Are you acknowledging and validating or dismissing and minimizing by telling her she needs to calm down, is overreacting etc.?

Are you trying to fix it and make her be quiet or are you allowing the feelings?

Janet Lansbury is a great resource, also Playful Parenting and how to talk so children listen. Have you considered play therapy? Is she lacking proprioceorive input?

i have always said "I don't respond to screaming, you can calm down and ask me nicely, or i will walk away." and carried it out.

you have to be firm, but fair, pick your battles, don't threaten anything you aren't willing to follow through with, don't give them horrible punishments that make them feel there is no point anyway, always offer them a chance to be rewarded for good behaviour. Always accept an apology. Never send them to bed without a hug. Do NOT use food as punishment.
Don't invent arbitrary rules that serve no purpose.

So from tonight. Screaming won’t get her her own way. That’s what you’ve got to teach her.

They really should. Family meeting with everyone who is in charge of putting up with caring for her, game plan set. I really wish them all the best.

Take the phone off her there is no way of six-year-old should have a phone, but now that she already has take it off her as punishment no screaming equals set amount of phone time

I find the best thing to do in these situations is not to get into a battle of wills but not to give in. I tend just to leave the room if my DC is engaged in this sort of behaviour.

We used to have a problem with toy shops (too many visits with indulgent grandparents in a short space of time which created an expectation). At first, I refused to go near our local toy shop but the method which cracked it for us was me sitting down in the middle of the shop sulking because I didn't have enough money for a particular toy while my embarrassed 5yo told me to move on and not to make such a fuss. We haven't really had a problem since. We wander in every now and again and choose items to put on the Christmas list.

Hi, I just wanted to add that if the consequence is that a friend ac no longer come to play, you are also punishing the friend! Try to make consequences just for her, immediate and as natural as posible or at least related to the behaviour. Good luck!

Something worth trying: B vitamins especially B12.
You mentioned your DD seems to have a lot of anger, this vitamin plays a role in the production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood.
You can also get a children multivitamins (they do them in gummy bear form) if you are not sure about dosage for a single vitamin.

@Baffled78 reading Gabor Maté isn’t relevant in this situation. This is not an attachment issue. Unless the op is with holding information this isn’t a child of trauma or a child with attachment issues. This is a child who has very cleverly learned that screaming will get her what she wants. Babies do this. Toddlers then do this and we talk, engage and encourage them to explore their emotions safely. If you continue to give in to a screaming toddler you end up with a screaming 6 year old. This isn’t a troubling behaviour this is a learned behaviour.