Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

I absolutely cannot believe you have given your 6 year old child a phone. It’s of no importance that it doesn’t have a sim in it. That’s appalling. Everyone is going to be judging you, quite rightly. Read the research on devices and children. Addiction. It’s there in black and white. Just read it. Why do researchers spend time doing research when you just get parents who are too lazy to have any regard for it. It’s done to protect the child. Which is a parent’s job but clearly some parents are unable to actually parent. Unbelievable.

What do you mean taker ‘her’ phone to bed? She’s 6.,? Why on earth does she have a phone?

Is she autistic? Sounds like it.

Not, really no. The difference between developmental delay, parental over-indulgence or over exposure to social media comes out when the multidiscplinary assessment is done. It is - or should be - a differential diagnosis looking at all the possible causes and getting observations from different people who see the child in different circumstances SALTs and clinical psychologists are usually pretty good on this - I watched as the SALT methodically revealed a shedload of things I and everyone else had taken for granted that my (hghly verbal, outgoing, smart) DC understood but he just didn't.

I wouldn't expect most teachers or SENCOs to tell the difference, certainly not reliably. Given the long delays in getting any kind of assessment most parents will already have been referred for parenting classes (I was and they helped a bit) and tried everything else before they ever get as far as a diagnosis.

of course, the general rule of thumb on pushing for assessment now is if its impacting their education/behaviour to such a point of being disruptive.

The biggest problem is that often that girls fly under the radar, they mask more as younger children, so often only the profoundly affected are spotted, then what happens is they get to 12/13/14 and start struggling, then have issues with their GCSE/A levels, burn out, then end up having MH problems on top of the ASD.

Early detection can help prevent that, it's worth seeking one, even with 'mild' autism because it may not always BE mild... remembering grading it as 'mild' is often more to do with how their autism impacts the people around them, not the person themselves.

Indeed

And there are many who remain undiagnosed who adapt and function well as adults (sometimes helped by a non autistic partner) and even use their autistic traits to achieve highly in a chosen profession. However this is a case of a child who is clearly not coping and is causing their parents significant distress. The reality is standard parenting techniques are often ineffective in children with autism, particularly those whose behaviours are a result of sensory sensitivities.

So does this mean there are many children who would be considered mildly autistic without having to go through all the speculation, assessments & labels, especially if in the end they grow up and become successful adults who cope well with their individual differences. There must be countless successful adults on the autistic spectrum who have no desire to be assessed or labled. Surely that's OK as long as they are happy.

That's why autism is now best understood as a spectrum.

All very interesting. It does make me wonder though if there is ever a case nowadays for spoiled overindulgence,eg whatever they want they get attitudes,also addiction to tablets etc being considered before jumping to the ADHD/autism possibility without trying out different parenting tequniques. There are undoubtedly children who are more difficult to cope with than others. They are often hyperactive, demanding, stubborn and dare I say it very clever & easily bored. Before I'm berated, it's just a thought having met many children who were described as a total nightmare. I've kept in touch with one of the parents whose child was described as such. She is now a well balanced excellent Teacher & a lovely young lady with no apparent mental health issues.

In my parenting era (also the 1990s) much the same. What's happened since is a recognition that especially in girls there's a less obvious childhood presentation of autistic development delay that doesn't cause such severe behaviour as you describe. The effects can be intense social anxiety and mental breakdown later in life. Girls with this presentation of autism tend to have better communication skills, be better at masking by copying other kids in public (e.g. school) while breaking down when their energy runs out at home, and tend to internalise more than boys so the behaviour issues are less serious.

Have you spoken with her class teacher about this? It would be useful for you and them to know if she's the same in the school. It could help to have a similar approach to her behaviour at home and school, the same language, redirection etc.

Going completely against the grain, but have you heard of pathological demand avoidance (PDA)? If not, have a read up on it. Absolutely not saying she has it, but the fact that you have a very well behaved older child suggests to me that this is not purely down to parenting.

Have a look into something called PDA just in case it fits, as my son has this and people's well-meaning advice to "be strong and not give in" would actually make things a whole lot worse. Also The Explosive Child book could be a good read as behaviour is communication and she may be trying to communicate a lagging skill or unmet need, in which case again discipline isn't going to help.

Hi Op, I could have written this myself when my daughter was that age. She is 16 now. She was this child until about a year ago, now she is the most wonderful person. Obviously she hasn’t forgotten and can’t believe how she behaved for so many years. We worked out she has autism a few months ago and although we won’t follow any process (she doesn’t need support for her eduction) just knowing helps. She doesn’t fit many of the traits which is why we suspected but didn’t really know. Her paediatrician has been fantastic. she also went through early puberty and grew very quickly.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is not all children who scream and throw tantrums and are ‘that child’ grow up to be selfish adults who always wants their way. Sometimes it’s just a journey and they do get through it. My daughter is now fab, a high achiever (9’s) and is so easy to be with.
my god do I remember spending most days disliking her, thinking of new ways to say no and mean it. The anger I felt sometimes was unreal. She would lie and scream to get her way and be an angel for anyone else! It’s gets better. Stand your ground and don’t feel guilty (which you will) I had to do this in the end. Lay your rules down and let her choose. The easy way or the hard way! She’s old enough to understand that.

I'd have said well don't eat it then, you won't get anything else until breakfast. She won't starve if she misses one meal.

Of course you don't grow out of autism. You have misread my post. My point was when I was bringing up my children in the 90s it wasn't assumed that children who were fussy eaters,difficult to control, or had regular tantrums were autistic which seems to happen more and more these days. That's not to say they're all NT as many do go on to rightly so receive an autistic diagnosis.

I have mentioned autism and I stand by it. Girls are often overlooked in terms of getting an assessment, so imo it is reasonable to suggest it.

But also a lot of the posts on here are directly shaming the mother, criticising her, mocking her even. Pointing out how they wouldn't allow this for a second.

And I want to let people know that it may well not be as simple as this.

The OP has another daughter who is well behaved, so I doubt she is a useless parent.

One of my daughters has PDA, which is on the autistic spectrum. My Life was made much harder by outsiders who thought all she needed was tough discipline. In fact, power struggles are the last thing that works for these children.

I originally suggested a CAMHS referral for support and I stand by that. But it could also be sensory issues, diet...it won't hurt to get some professional input.

Noise cancelling headphones with soothing music playing for you and husband. Tell her all her screaming has made you all go deaf and you can't hear her anymore.
Maybe if she stops you'll get your hearing back. Anything she asks keep repeating that and just keep doing the work of looking after her without any actual speaking or listening. You don't listen to a word she says and see how that goes.
Oh and stop giving in.

Let's be honest, there was a lot wrong with the 90s

I would definitely back down on this, pick your battles, kids need to be able to make some decisions for themselves you can't control every little thing and this is a little thing IMO

I've not read the full thread sorry. But I notice a lot of posters say they would not back down e.g. on the cheese issue. Maybe I'm a bad parent but on a small issue like this I actually might back down in a way that meets her half way. To avoid a situation where both sides are digging their heels in.

So I might say "Okay DD, you can have some more cheese if you can stop that noise and ask nicely for it".

i was one of those children, i am not a 'well adjusted NT adult' my autism/adhd didn't suddenly go away, i have just got better at masking and working around it.

I buy my own clothes, so i know they're comfortable, i only eat the foods i like.. i'm not forced to sit with a plate of food that makes me gag at the thought of eating it. I still have meltdowns, but i know myself and know when they're coming and how to divert or remove myself to stop them affecting other people.

Such ignorance and ablism there. omg. You don't grow out of Autism/ADHD.

Interesting comments here regarding autism. In my era of bringing up children in the 90s the children who had regular tantrums, only ate certain foods,refused to wear certain clothes etc were known as 'difficult' children who grew up to be well adjusted NT adults some who went on to have a few unusual idiosyncrasies. It was only children with absent speech,delayed speech, hand biting and serious developmental & behavioural issues etc who were referred for assessment. Changed days indeed.