Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

That sounds lovely. I wouldn't have been in for a power struggle about cheese either. How much cheese would they have really eaten? I'd pause now for everything and think about saying no, think through it, does it really matter, is there an alternative you can suggest? Can you bring some playfulness into it to defuse a situation before it boils? But once it's a hard no, say no, give your reasoning and have no further negotiations about it. Don't threaten to punish the reaction, just hold firm on the boundary with kindness and lots of patience.

I love the suggestions of choices and making requests fun and playful.

These are all strategises that work well with my strong willed child.

Does her older sister not ever tell her to shut up and stop being a pain? I shared a room with an older sibling growing up who would not have tolerated this behaviour at all?

No of course not, though in this case I think the OP does need to demonstrate that the boundaries set do have some meaning. But I concede here that I could have just started with, cheese wasn't such a big deal!

OP - I wonder whether it would help to write down a list of your firm boundaries, ie firstly around safety, maybe secondly around respect. You have your list and then anything else goes. You might develop it further over time but wait until you've all as a family become comfortable with it and your daughter is more settled

Yeah it used to be fine to be hit children. I still get problems with my eardrum now at the age of 40 from being hit around the head so hard it was perforated.

I was very badly behaved as a child because I was angry, upset, and felt that the world was unfair and cruel. My thought process as a child was that I was going to get smacked around no matter what I did so I might as well do what I wanted. I developed terrible anxiety and I was suicidal at the age of eight years old. I was miserable to the point that someone being nice to me could make me burst into tears because I wasn't used to it. And all I would get told by adults when I tried to explain I was being hit at home was that it was fine and I deserved it.

I didn't ever hit my child and he was incredibly well behaved. I took the time to explain why his actions had consequences. He grew up to be a very kind, generous, well behaved, and sweet person.

So you can take your outdated love of violence and jog on.

@Baffled78 . Have you come into contact with many children in this age group?

I don’t agree that all boundaries are red lines that must be held at all costs.
I do agree that OP is setting too many boundaries over incredibly minor things that the child should have autonomy over.

Thank you for the link.
Interestingly, the authoritative parenting style guide states:

Authoritative parents aren’t just trying to enforce compliance. They recognize and encourage a child’s sense of autonomy

Which to me, means let her have the cheese!

In all seriousness, she needs more autonomy. The fighting over every little thing is not due to OP being too permissive it is due to OP being too authoritarian- which the guide calls like drill sergeant - “Do this- or else”

Have a look at collaborative problem-solving. Ross Greene's The Explosive Child is supposed to be very good. You can read more here (I google Plan B children to find this) https://elmtreeclinic.ca/handouts/Explosive%20Child/Explosive%20Child%20Handout%20School.pdf

Yes I agree that there's little harm in just having more cheese - but if that's the boundary that's been set, then this would be the most appropriate consequence. There seems to be a difficulty here with setting boundaries and then holding them, so maybe too many boundaries being set, but also, once they have been set they should be held.

Maybe you have to move your 6 yr old in with you for the weekend while you try to set boundaries...or make up a bed for her in the living room on a temporary basis?

This. Time out step. Put her on it and do it over and over and over again until she stays there. She will tire before you do.

Exactly! It’s a parents job to teach their children right from wrong and that they can’t always get their own way. Otherwise they will struggle massively with life in general.

What’s wrong with just cheese for dinner one night if the alternative is a smaller bit of just cheese and going to bed hungry? Does the child have any input into what is for dinner? Maybe they hate spag boll or don’t want it that night.

The thing is... as a parent you really do need to have some power otherwise parenting doesn't really work.

If anyone else was screaming at me for hours on end, I'd walk out and spend my evening somewhere else. You can't do that when you have a child obviously, so at some point you do need to get them to shut up and stop demanding things they shouldn't really have if you want to maintain a shred of sanity.

Totally agree! I would be very surprised if they did have experience with actual kids! I also have two who would have been more than capable of manipulation at 6 (probably younger) but they soon learnt that behaviour would result in consequences. They have grown up to be well rounded and decent people. 20 years of teaching experience has also taught me that kids are very capable of manipulation! Interestingly a large number of the ones who had no boundaries as young children seem to have chaotic lives and MH issues as adults.

parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/

Or…say yes if it’s no big deal. Like yes to more cheese, or a snack, or a drink of water by her bed, or 10mins playing a game to unwind before lights out….

Why so say no so often? Does she have to beg, wheedle and finally scream for things that should have been a yes from the start?

Yes I agree with this too. I wonder whether it becomes a habit sometimes to say no to things when a child is constantly demanding, then feel you need to stick to what you've said for a bit, and then give in because ultimately it doesn't really matter and it's just the power struggle that's become a dynamic.

Also it is established that best style of parenting is authoritative..
Established by whom? And is this for all kids or just for abled, neurotypical kids?

I think the consequence here should have been - ok, well there's no more cheese, so either you can eat the bolognese or supper has finished and I'll take your plate now. Of course you want her to have a proper meal and she'd have screamed and screamed but it sounds as though you need to push through this stage a bit. As many have already said, she's just learning that you'll give in everytime, and it also sounds really stressful for her to feel she needs to scream the house down to get what she needs. Do you need to make some boundaries clearer at an earlier stage, like you can have this much cheese, once it's finished that's it etc. Start having conversations with her about the fact that you'll be sticking to what you say and then do just that. Unless there are specific food issues (it sounds like this is more general) she'll survive on just a bit of grated cheese for an evening and she'll begin to learn she needs to eat what she's given.

Im curious as to how you would actually approach the OPs issues. It kind of reads that you think the OP should just give her daughter whatever she wants to avoid arguments? Is that correct or am I miss interpreting? Parents obviously cant say yes to everything. Say the child wants to do something dangerous, she is told no, resulting in her screaming for hours on end, how do the parents approach this?