Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Yeah, listening to children is an art! That's great that she's starting there to try to ask for your help to handle her emotions.

It sounds to me like she needs first of all firm boundaries. She needs you to say 'no'. It's frightening for a child to feel that they are in charge. She wants to know that you are in charge, as her parent and carer.

So this is her asking you to put that boundary in place. This is your cue to say 'no'. You can say it gently and kindly but firmly. No.phone.

She will test to see.if this boundary is firm. If it is then she may test to see if she can safely express her feelings. She's six, she may not want to chat about her inner world. She may want to cry her head off, or rage, or say she hates you. Children are making sense of the world, they are often irrational and they cam have very 'big feelings' that scare them. You are there to show them its okay to feel them and that you will keep them safe as they do so.

This is the hard bit. You need to make it clear she can feel however she feels, but is not allowed to hurt herself.or you. Then you stay with her and hold space and allow her to weep or rage or whatever. The hard part is staying calm! It can be very difficult to allow out child to process emotions.

This may take a bit of time, but if you can allow her to express herself in the manner.she needs to, in.the context of a defined space and time, this can.be transformative.

You're doing great, OP. Parenting is hard! Take care and good luck.

Doesn't sound like Little House on the Prairie to me , sounds like a normal household.

Then as everyone else is saying you need to retrain her thoughts process that she gets her way because you do give in. So stop giving in. Once it clicks she doesn't get her way she will stop using her energy on the tantrums.

@ThePrologue

I am addressing another poster. As you can see from my previous posts I actually believe the OP can turn this around with her daughter. I certainly wish her well with that.

I'm aware that parenting is hard as I am a parent. I just choose not to take the easy route, unlike PP who thinks it's fine to give in to every demand or fire them an iPad to keep them quiet. I think this is terrible advice to OP.

You're advocating child abuse. Never any excuse not to feed a child, come on now.

So holier than thou. God knows, I've pulled my hair out at some parenting points on MN, but there is no need to be so prissy about other's parenting when they are asking for help.
The OP acknowledged they had made this rod for their back, but was looking for help to rectify
Is your house little and on a prairie?

At this age, is it really not possible to have a proper conversation about it all when she is calm and happy? Talking about what triggers her behaviours and how it makes you feel?

Maybe she can be given responsibility to think of some strategies as to how to avoid these things happening. It can’t be much fun for her either. If there is any way of her becoming an active part of the solution and treating her as somebody with useful opinions and ideas, that might help? Good luck.

Go back and read your comments. Stop making excuses. Cancel the friend on Saturday. Make sure you tell the child's mum when she is there and explain why. Parent your child. Every tantrum has a consequence. Don't try and reason with her. Explain when she's calm the new routine, ignore her screams. Make sure not to give in. She will give it up very quickly. If she is acting up outside, take her straight home. Never batgin with her. Your the parent remember that. Good luck. Been there too.

It's really not about cheese.

I agree with you that the child needs to be heard. That'd what it's about. A child asking to be parented, for her parents to put boundaries in place and listen to her. The cheese is irrelevant.

Mine did the same and screamed as a form of masking. Later found out she had ADHD. One thing that I would recommend is that you ask her to name her emotion rather than scream and that you will not respond unless she talks. Sorry ur going thru this it’s exhausting.

The water isn't a random demand, it's part of the routine along with the story etc. It's the same every day. It's what she's allowed - the same thing, every day. If she demanded a slab of cake the answer would be no. The parent here isn't "running around" at all; she'd providing the same stuff at the same time, calmly and reliably, every bedtime. The parent has decided what the routine will be and is sticking to it.

With the cheese thing...i agree it is delicious however, it is expensive and not that healthy to have piles of it so perhaps offer one more helping and emphasise that it is only one more helping because it is expensive etc then no more. Perhaps she could help herself.

That way she has a bit of autonomy but learns that food has to be shared.

Sounds very draining op.

It’s better to teach her good behaviour is rewarded. I would buy some very cheap small gifts and put them in a cloth bag. If she manes it through dinner without screaming she can put her hand into the bag and choose one. Same with bedtime (but pick in morning). I did this with potty training twins and worked well

Rule out ND (contact peadiatrician

some posters... 🙄 we are on the waiting list for an assessment - it's about 6 years long!!

How difficult is this situ. I'd probably try a reversal. Say no and you both start screaming and crying. It might be enough to stop her starting. If it is, keep it up for a little while, then stop and see if she will talk.
An alternative might be to ask her why she wants whatever it is she wants. She can then tell you, but get a real answer not a because I eant it answer. You can consider her ask properly then.

I honestly don't know why you said no to cheese on spagetti, a drink or book at bedtime btw. So I'd suggest not saying no to everything.

Def no phone but some things aren't a no are they?

Has she been difficult since birth? If so, I wouldn’t rule out ND. DD (now 17) was diificult from 1 week old, very high needs. If you didn’t get her routine absolutely perfect (which you never would as they can’t communicate), she’d scream and scream - initially put down to colic. This morphed into huge tantrums by 1 and got worse - hours of screaming and meltdowns if the answer to something was No or Not now but in xxx mins etc. . We didn’t give in, she had clear boundaries, counting to 3 then following through etc but it made no difference. Well behaved at school,(but distracted/not focussed) which put me off going to the GP because I was convinced it had to be me my parenting as not shown at school. Long story short, she was eventually diagnosed with ADHD (and I think undiagnosed traits of ASD). She was masking at school and so all bubbled up and exploded at home.

HOWEVER previous posters are 100 per cent right, before you can consider ND, you need to completely reset the parent/daughter relationship. And I’m shocked she has a phone at 6: you really don’t want to go down that route until secondary school age. You and DP need to sit down with her jointly for a big family chat and make it clear that her behaviour is totally unacceptable and needs to stop right now, that there will be big changes and lay out the rules and boundaries and you MUST stick to them always and you MUST both parent in the same way. When she’s misbehaving state your position and what she needs to do and then count to 3 and then there’s a consequences. If she’s screaming you ignore. Noise cancelling headphones are a great idea (wish I’d thought of that!) as the screaming really gets to you and I understand why after x hours you feel you can’t take anymore but it’s vital you follow through. My Dd HATED the ignoring, she’d try and manipulate me with why are you ignoring me, you’re my parent,parents don’t ignore their children etc and I’d simply reiterate every so often (ignoring the rest of the time) that I have nothing different to say/there is nothing more to discuss.

I think you’ll need to give it 6 months before you consider ND as it will take some time to reset the boundaries and undo the giving in. But if it doesn’t improve, seek help, speak to the school who may be able to help with a referral or if not GP . I left it way too late, convinced it was me.

Re your eldest daughter, that is tough if they share a room. You need to give her a safe space she can go to (may need to be your room or one of you take her out for a walk for a break and make sure you have 1-1 time with her so she can talk to you about how this is affecting her and also I assume gets little attention as it’s all focussed on dd2. Explain to her what you’re doing and why and acknowledge that you know it’s tough on her but it will be better in the long run.

Good luck and be strong!

This is neglectful / abusive behavior. Not good.

I suspect there needs to be consequences at first scream. Explain first.
”You are getting too big to scream like a baby. If you scream, we will decide that you are too tired to eat dinner and put you in bed.” - and follow through.

Actually though also this, you need to consider the reasonableness of what your doing and give her opportunity to have autonomy and make choices too

Thus. Set aside some time when you can focus. Consider getting additional help if needed, particularly if you have other children etc. offer choices, explain consequences and follow through on actions. Going to bed hungry once wont kill her but she will remember

It is about cheese. Asking for cheese is a very minor and reasonable request.

What would I do as an adult if I wanted more cheese on my pasta? I'd go and get myself some. Cheese and pasta is delicious. You can see how many adults agree that they'd give more cheese on this thread. If it doesn't make sense to an adult, it is definitely not going to make sense to a six year old.

Denying reasonable requests can cause children to become very angry, because they need the world to feel just.

Yes, there's an issue with screaming for cheese and it's completely unacceptable. And no, of course you can't give in to that kind of behaviour. But you need to pick your battles, particularly where food is concerned. If you make a child feel like they have no autonomy and that they're subject to completely arbitrary rules, it's not surprising that they become emotional about it.

I suspect this child feels like she's not being listened to. And what's the obvious solution to no one listening to you, when you're six? Make your request louder. It's easy to follow her logic.

Then she's being told she's being punished further with something that again makes no sense. Days into the future, which is a long time into the future for a young mind, she's not allowed her friends over. Again, it makes no sense, she becomes angry, she feels like she's out of control of her life, she can't regulate her emotions at that age, she knows eventually someone will listen if she shouts long enough, and here we are.

She doesn't sound like a little madam. She sounds like she's trying to navigate life's difficulties the best way she knows how.

And all this over 30 pence of cheese.

A parent who has put in the hard work will be able to say no and yes when they judge it without their child screaming for hours on end.

I don't say no to my child all the time, in fact he hears yes far more than he hears no because he is well behaved and I don't need to say no to him about most things. The point is he knows that when I say no it means no. End of discussion. The OP's daughter does not because she has been told yes too often and now knows that screaming gets what she wants.

They are not, as I already stated.

They have free rein over any games or kids YouTube.

I am judgey about iPads for young children and have no problem saying so.

@SummerFeverVenice

This is clutching at straws especially when you literally wrote that you do allow your child a drink of water at bedtime, unlike the OP. So were you being a headless chicken by running to fulfill that random demand?

My child has a bottle of water by their bed every night. There is no running around. We read 2 or 3 stories while we have a cuddle and they go to bed. My child doesn't demand anything more and scream for hours on end. He goes to bed. This is because he knows what he can and can't have. He has water and a few stories with mum or dad. His life isn't in chaos where he thinks he can ask for any random nonsense at bedtime. The OP has a child on her hands who pisses around for time. Water, snacks, phones, on and on. She created that herself. If she had firm boundaries of water and a book at bedtime and nothing else, her child wouldn't think she can scream for anything she wants.

And while your early waking child can listen to a Yoto player, a child using an iPad to read or listen to is “seriously lax parenting”? The only difference between the two is one is audio only and the other is audio and visual. They play the same things…like podcasts. In fact there is a Yoto app for the iPad!! 😂

You can 😂 all you like. It's plain for most to see that there is an almighty chasm of a difference between a child listening to a screen free audiobook for an hour in the morning and being glued to an iPad for over 2 hours. They do not play the same things. The child watches kids YouTube and plays games. If you are happy letting your child do that, I understand why you think the OP's only problem is not giving in more to her child's demands. I personally don't let my son have a tablet at all, let alone sit by himself watching a screen for hours. Because of this I do not have an early waking child. On the odd occasion he does wake early, he knows he is quiet in his room until everyone else gets up. My friend on the other hand has created an early waking child by giving them an iPad at 4am since the age of two.

@Yourethebeerthief

So perhaps you can be less judgey about iPads. For all you know their child is doing the exact same thing as your child.