Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

I missed that the six hear old has a phone.

That is horrific parenting. What the fuck are you thinking?

This!

You've taught her that screaming works, she just has to keep it up until she gets what she wants.

Unfortunately you didn't nip this in the bud the first time it happened and it is ingrained behaviour now, which is going to make things hard on all of you for a while. But stick in there eventually she will get the message.

When you say no, mean no. If she screams for three days straight and none if you sleep, it is still a no. If she embarrasses you in public, it is still a no.

You still have a chance to fix this, she is not a teenager. Do it now.

I understand, my ds is autistic. But your life, and hers, will be so much easier if you sort this out. We are often complimented on how well behaved ds is. All that was required was knowing that no means no, a boundary is there for a reason and that when you say something is happening/not happening that is set in stone.

Rather than you putting the cheese on her food then her needing to ask you for more, try grating a plate of cheese and giving it to her to do herself…..so she has autonomy.

But explain calmly that you’ve grated all of your cheese and once she has used up the plate of cheese, there isn’t any more left in the fridge.

At 6yrs old, I feel screaming is not simply her being naughty and trying to get her own way; it’s more letting you know she’s finding something difficult.

If she carries on being unable to self regulate, maybe chat to your GP about a CAMHS assessment.

This.

DD (7) doesn't scream, but she nags... oh my goodness she nags.

We have a very strict rule that we talk about when she's not nagging (and then remind her of if she starts) which is that of she nags, she's doesn't get whatever she's nagging for. Ever.

We even state openly, "I can't get you that, because you nagged, and I can't have you thinking that nagging works".

So she still nags, but much much less.

Shes 6.
You're adults.
You're currently training her to carry on screaming because that gets results.
Send her to her room and ignore her. She'll burn herself out,

Try to be specific about what she can have and what her options are. A lot of the boundary testing and screaming may be because she doesn't know what she can and can't have until after she has decided what she wants, set her heart on it and asked for it. And then you say no! And then she screams and screams... and eventually she gets it though she will see you are unwilling. That's frustrating and even frightening for a child.

Instead tell her what the options are going to be before she asks for anything - maybe even go as far as making a bedtime basket of toys to choose from, either do it together in the daytime or you do it for her. Give her a little dish of cheese that she can scoop over her dinner as she likes and tell her that when it's finished that's all. That's giving her control within boundaries and helping her understand what the boundaries are and what "enough cheese" or "bedtime games" look like and what her approved/safe options are without needing constant testing.

The phone is a massive problem. Massive. There is zero reason for a 6 year old to have a phone and I am not a strict parent by any means. It needs to go. Now.

Absolutely this, my sil is 40 and still behaves like this & mil runs around trying to accommodate her.

Sil does not have SEN but learnt very early in life that screaming & tantrums works for her. She is an independent, professional woman with a nasty diva streak & unsurprisingly still single.

Is this what you want for your daughter?

Hope today goes well OP, good luck with the new start!

I'd be getting rid of the phone altogether, she is far too little for it plus she needs to connect with her family by the sounds of it and she's delaying bedtime to get that connection.

I'd have given her a small bowl of cheese at dinner time and let her add it as she pleases, but be clear that was the last of it before she starts.

Firm, clear expectations and boundaries. You don't need to shout and punish, just hold the boundary and acknowledge her upset at it. It will take time to undo the behaviours she's displaying now but it will come in time.

Hold your boundaries OP. You’ve created her expectation that screaming will get her what she wants. It’s not going to be fun resetting that expectation but she’ll be a lot happier once you do. So will your household and her older sibling.

Give her choices between stuff that doesn’t matter. Ie water or squash, biscuit or cake etc, reading or toys after school etc

Take the phone away.

Hi op, hope you've had a good night sleep and feel ready to take on the day!

My son is nearly 5 and awaiting an ASD assessment, he has some additional needs which means he's not safe to be left alone if awake at night (which unfortunately is often, although not as frequent as it used to be)

We have to have really consistent expectations and boundaries with him or it's just chaos. If things "slip" because we're all shattered, we've been ill, holidays etc we always need to take a big breath and re set/start again. It really does work.

He's not got a tablet or phone but does watch telly - proper programmes with a storyline, no YouTube and no telly after tea. Consistent so he knows.

He can be very stubborn - we make our lives easier by cutting stuff out so it's not available to be a battle. When he was 3 he got fixated on ice cream over the summer. Absolutely obsessed. So one day we said after the last one had gone, we weren't having it in the house. It's been almost 2 years since we've had it in our freezer! He has one when we're out and about or at my parents but he knows it's not at home so it's not a battle.

Just set boundaries you're comfortable with and stick to them - no telly after tea, this bowl of cheese for your pasta but once it's gone it's gone. If she only eats the cheese it's fine, but nothing else until supper.

This is really excellent advice.

She needs clear rules and boundaries. Don’t have too many rules (pick your battles) Pick a day when she is happy and calm. Come down to her height/eye level and set out the rules and boundaries. Explain why those rules are in place rather than just a no. Something she can understand at her age. Make sure she knows the rules comes from a place of love/safety and caring for her. Sit down and write them out together including the consequences. Explain that you will not interact with her when she is screaming and you need to protect your ears from the noise. Make sure you follow trough. When she kicks off refer back to her own list of rules she wrote and agreed to. Remind her what the consequence is if she continues, remind her you will not interact with her until she has calmed down. Put some ear defenders on and walk away

Today is a new day. The first day of your new resolve. GOOD LUCK OP. Give us an update later!

Why are you capping the amount of cheese she has on her meal?

The other problem is down to molly-coddling and not being authoritarian enough.

What's with the plugs for Gabor Mate. Self help guru complete with cult like following? No thanks. 🙄

You seriously believe that a 6 year old is capable of intentional MANIPULATION?

This 6 year old has learned how to get exactly what she wants, every time. She KNOWS she can scream and yell until mummy and daddy give in. It's really that simple. It always pays off for her so why would she not do it? 🤷‍♀️

So much focus on cheese! Seriously, it's not about the cheese however, seeing as so many seem obsessed with the cheese, I'll throw in my thoughts 😂
OP, I would have put an amount of cheese in a bowl with the clear instruction that THIS is how much cheese we are having with dinner and let her apply it as she wished. There would be no more cheese after that because I had given clear expectations/boundaries.
You have to stop enabling this behaviour. She needs to know what to expect at the outset, with an opportunity at that point for her to have some input if appropriate. When everyone is clear about boundaries, they must be upheld. No giving in because she's learnt that your boundaries are completely non existent.

It is doing her NO favours to allow this behaviour to continue. This lesson she has learnt will stay with her. Behave in this way and you'll get what you want. Clearly she's not going to be screaming and yelling to get her way as a teen/adult but she'll have the skills to apply other methods by then. Seriously, pretty sure we've all come across teens/ adults who we can safely assume were never told no as a child. The entitlement it brings is not a great quality.

Does your DD have a phone? Honestly, any behavioural issues I’d be looking at that first. A 6 year old shouldn’t have a phone. Take it away and don’t give it back. Brick phone at 11/12 if she needs it

Be aware that when you start to enforce rules and not give in to her screaming, she will get worse before she gets better. Good luck and stay strong I really feel for you. You are doing the right thing tackling this now and not just letting it go.
We did something at night with our kids that seemed to help them to talk to us about things.
The would tell us something that went well, something that didn't go well and something they could have done differently, each night while lying on the bed with them. It's quite distracting, gets them talking and became a good end to the day.

Lots of great advice here but to zone in on one point - no 6 year old needs a phone, SIM or no SIM. get rid

@Spirallingdownwards

Doesn't sound like Little House on the Prairie to me , sounds like a normal household.

Precisely. It seems some people think that if your house isn't chaos at bedtime then you must live in the Little House on the Prairie, rather than, you know, simply be parenting your children.

I’m sorry I haven’t RTFT but very quickly OP I suggest you look at Aha Parenting for dealing with toddler tantrums. Yes she is 6 but you need to go right back and reset everything and probably the best way to do that is to employ the techniques that you really should’ve been using from age 1. But no matter. Good luck OP.

Four pronged approach

1. Pick your battles. This is going to be hard work so start with the big things (figure it out with DH what these will be - I would gently suggest cheese isn’t on the list but get rid of the screens ASAP)
2. When she starts screaming, empathise with the emotion but do not give in
3. Wish fulfilment - you would probably love to have all the cheese in the world on your pasta! Imagine our whole kitchen was overflowing with cheese! I do this with kids at work all the time and it works brilliantly, usually ends up in giggles.
4. Loads and loads of love, reassurance, cuddles.