Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Has she always been like this? I’m curious as to whether the screaming is something she’s always done which has become age-inappropriate or whether it’s something that’s started as a response to something and ramped up.

Are there situations and/or people which seem to act as particular triggers? How does she cope with a “no” in school? Are there any other signs she’s finding life difficult?

I agree this is something she is doing because, to a degree, it works for her, but I’d be interested to look more closely at whether anything else might be going on - something you said upthread about how once she gets the thing she claims to want, the screaming doesn’t necessarily stop and you wondered whether it was indeed The Thing she was screaming about in the first place has piqued my curiosity. It definitely sounds as though she may struggle with emotional regulation.

Indeed. In distress because she can't have more cheese 😂

We had tantrums over cheese on dinners! I started giving a small plate filled with grated cheese and said, that's all your cheese! It seemed to resolve that one!

Let her scream, and don't give in - she will learn.

Warn your neighbours though (poor things)

This is just weird, 6 year olds aren't dumb at all. Even babies learn that when they cry a parent comes. Strategic might be a better word that manipulative, but either way they learn the consequences of their behaviour. And yes at 16 I learnt about Bowlby in GCSE Psychology 🙄.

Learning that if you do one thing (scream for hours) it gets what you want (cheese/phone etc) is certainly not beyond the capabilities of a 6 year old and to suggest it is is just bizarre. There doesn't 'have' to be some deep seated trauma at the heart of it, the child just wants what they want and knows how to get it. They don't scream for hours at school because it won't get them their way.

OP you need to stop giving in obviously, but you don't need to do it in an angry, losing it yourself way. Just be calm, clear and consistent. Model the behaviour you want. Tell dd you can't hear what she's saying when she screams so if she wants to talk to you then she needs to use her normal voice. Instead of just saying 'no' to her, try explaining to her why she can't have any more cheese - bright kids often do better if they understand why. Make sure you're spending lots of time with her playing games, reading or whatever with her - the more time she spends with you the more she will listen to you and want to please you. Make your expectations clear in advance and warn her of the consequences if she starts misbehaving.

You KNOW the answer. Don't give in. Realistically, how long can she scream for, before she gets hoarse? A few hours?

My daughter, when she was about 3, screamed at night when we were trying to ween her off the dummy. We gave in for a while, but eventually had to let her scream every night for a week, until she got the message.

My niece used to have terrible tantrums, and her parents always gave in. Funnily enough, she never played up for my Mum, because my Mum wouldn't have a bar of it. She would start to cry, and one look from my Mum stopped her in her tracks!

Time to man up!

But in the OP’s case the phone IS casing a problem. Removing it is a simple thing to help.

This is really overdramatic. There's no evidence that having a phone is any worse than having a tablet or any other games console. People are mixing up research about social media usage with "having a phone", but this phone doesn't even have a sim card so is just a toy in effect. There's also evidence that phone games can improve children's fine motor skills and hand-eye co-ordination. It's not the having of the phone that's the problem, it's using it at appropriate times.

I agree with the advice here OP. You need to show her that screaming won't work anymore. I'd ditch the phone and ditch the reward chart.

I'd also model good communication. When she's calm gently explain that you've noticed lots of shouting, and we don't shout in this family, do we? So just to let her know from now on you won't ever change your mind because of shouting. Shouting isn't acceptable, she needs to use her big girl words.

Then stick to it. It will be brutal, but then it will be over and you get to live a life where no one screams at you over cheese.

I would consider the phone situation. Children become addicted to playing games on the phone. Your dd could be associating you with having control over when she gets to play games on it. Her frustrated reactions are possibly tied up with not having the phone so she takes it out on other things when deep down it's this that's involved in her frustration. I'm not saying it's the answer but I'd definitely consider it. I'm guessing her worst reactions are when she is denied the phone. Try weaning her off it by introducing other forms of entertainment and see how she gets on. An example is giving her the phone at certain times and for an agreed time & no longer.It will cause havoc at first but it will get better.

I was told to ensure they are safe, don't make eye contact, turn your back, walk away and ignore until she stops, no matter how long it takes!!!!

Do NOT give in as the. she's won and she will continue!

If she knows she can't get her own way it WILL stop.

Maybe best to do this for the first time when she's no school the next day!

Well possibly. Neither you nor I know the child or the OP so it's a guess. To me it sounds like the child is asking for boundaries, and help managing emotions.

She's learnt is she screams enough she gets what she wants so you need to break that cycle. Its hard but you just have to stick to saying no and consequences.
I have a DS 7, setting expectations at the start of things works well. He now knows he has to eat what is on his plate before he get anymore. If dinner isn't finished no pudding or sweet. Don't get me wrong, we have days where he will fight at every point. But 90% of the time now as we don't give in eventually he will do as we ask.

Hopefully she will grow out of it - some children are born like that. You can't do anything with it, she is 6. You should have dealt with it earlier, but take heart, if you did not teach her to do it, life will. She will understand one day.

To the PP talking about undeveloped brains - no their brains are not developed. So they don't understand that when they eat cheese alone as a meal, they will likely be hungry later in the evening. They are also not getting much nutritional value from the meal which is also not good for their bodies when repeated day after day. I fail to comprehend how people think it is acceptable to let them go to bed having just eaten cheese to their satisfaction but if the parent were to say no to the cheese demand, the child refuse to eat pasta then go to bed, it is child abuse🙄. Both have the same outcome as far as feeding the child goes - they have gone to bed without eating a proper meal. Also to point out, once you've let them pick to just have an unlimited quantity of a component of a meal once, does this demand not repeat itself? As it certainly would with my 6 year old and every meal would be just cheese/bread/something beige...which would gradually escalate to wanting biscuits/cake/chocolate as a meal. When the initial boundary is held firm, they don't question it the next day or the day after.

My child's brain is also not developed enough to understand that when they are irritable, it is because they are exhausted. This is the time the sibling squabbles start, small bumps become major injuries (in their eyes). However, they don't like to go to bed because it is more fun to be awake and play. If they had a screen, that would most certainly be far far more enticing than sleep. So, again, boundaries are set for bedtime. Once they have brushed their teeth, it is reading and bed. It is usually once chapter read to them and they have water should they want any. Snacks are not allowed once they have gone up - they will get them any time in the evening before. They know to ask earlier should they want anything.

When I read some of the posts (thankfully minority) justifying the demands, it is extremely clear why there are other threads about the strict rules in senior schools. These rules have been set in response to increasing numbers of children who have grown up with zero boundaries and every action being justified by 'why shouldn't they be able to?'

OP, don’t be bullied into doing a drastic cold turkey approach starting right now today, just because a load of posters seem to want you to, as though your life was some kind of reality tv show for their entertainment.

Scream with her. You'll shock her! x

Could you make sure you take a drink and a biscuit up to bed with her?

what about her teeth??

Good luck OP.

We all get into bad habits because we're human.

But the good thing is it's never too late to change.

"Youve had cheese and there isn't anymore, I need the rest for tomorrow's dinner. If you don't start eating your dinner in the next 3 minutes, I'm going to assume you're finished and will take it away.". Then do it. Of course she'll scream and cry, just walk away and get on with a different task. "I'm busy now DD, go play".

It's a bit like sleep training, you have a few nights of tears and then bam, they get it. 6yrs is old enough not to be tantruming for hours. My 7yr old still tries the odd scream and of course, sometimes I give in for a quiet life, but on the whole she should be able to accept rules a bit better at that age.

Try the explosive child book and pick something to work on and see if you can get her to talk about it (at an unrelated time)

But as an adult you would't (I'm assuming) behave that way about your dinner in the first place.

Your DD behaviour gets the result that she wants.
Simple as that.

I think this is the most balanced and helpful response I have read.

Your overthinking it.

She’s learned yelling gets her what she wants, so she yells. She might not be upset at all just doing what she knows works.