Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

@rainfallpurevividcat

why is that needed though? Especially after a substantial meal like spag bol

I have young adult kids now, one of whom tried this for about a month (they were three or four I think) because that's how long it took for them to realise it wasn't going to work. We would just carry on doing whatever we were doing, talking, eating, etc and ignore it. One time they vomited from screaming so hard, which we quietly cleaned up. This took some behind the scenes planning together, an agreement not to rise to it. One tantrum in a restaurant, their Dad got up, picked them up and walked them out to the car where they stayed while the other child finished their dinner with a big ice cream afterwards. Eventually it stopped. You don't tell them what you expect, you show them. You are in charge, not the kid. Start giving them control now and the teenage years will be hell on toast.

She screams because you taught that is what to do to get her own way. Now you need to unteach her by telling her during a calm time that screaming is for toddlers and that if she screams at you from now on she won't get what she is asking for. When she starts screaming saying no and i told you no more screaming, only say it one once then do not engage with her until she stops, even if it takes 2 hours. And do that every single time.

Supper can mean a bit of toast and a warm drink. Nothing wrong with that at bedtime.

OP, I think pick your battles and this too will pass.

DD1 was a delight at school but was obviously holding herself back at school and took it out on us at home, particularly when she was 5 or 6 years old.

I wouldn't pick a fight over extra cheese and things like that, but if it was running into the road then hell yes. It took a lot of praise when she was good (which was most of the time) and giving her some control and lots of time outs to calm down. Then a big cuddle.

DD2 was generally laid back but also totally stubborn if she really did not want to do something.

They are 19 and 15 and both delightful now. DD1 still throws a big strop about things from time to time but it's not necessarily a bad thing - the emotion is released and a few minutes later she's fine.

• Rule out ND (contact peadiatrician)

Yeah, just like that!😄😄😄

@Changeiscomingthisyear

eh?

what do you mean by supper? She doesn’t need another meal after her evening meal.

You know what to do, you just don't want to!

It reminds me of the little girl in Just William, threatening him when it looked like she wasn't going to get her way, 'and I'll scweam and scweam and scwean until I'm sick - and I can!'

Let the dear child scream. Wanting isn't the same as getting.

I would choose your battles. Why would you argue with her about having more cheese on her dinner if you know she is sensitive and will scream for hours? I would save the battles for something worth fighting for. But I get that you do not want her to scream etc. I would sit her down and explain that this is not allowed and if she does the screaming then she will lose out on something like tv or friends coming. Then you will have to follow through. Explain, you are the parent and have the right to say no sometimes and she needs to accept it.

Of course no means no. But you can't say no to everything or you become authoritarian.

If a child wants something harmless, they should be allowed it, within reason. Then it makes a lot more sense to them when they're denied something.

This child has confusing boundaries at the moment.

Completely agree. My kids are tweens and there is a marked downturn in behaviour if they've had access to Youtube. These days its visiting friends only as we've blocked it completely but it's so obvious a change we immediately pick up on it now.

For a 6 yr old, I'd suggest a digital detox of around a month. No phones, tablets or ideally TV unless it's a family film and this will need commitment from the rest of you too.

Back to school is exhausting at that age so it might also be worth giving a substantial snack post school. Driving or walking. Something like chunky peanut butter on a rice cake or oat cracker. Satisfies the sweetness urge and will hopefully tide you over to dinner at 5.

After that, you just have to ride it out. Sit with a book and ignore. Can you put big sister somewhere else, camp on the floor of your bedroom for a night if necessary.

If every tantruming child was suspected to be neurodivese there would be queues a mile long. This is why it takes so long to be diagnosed. It needs a lengthy period of assessment of both the child and parenting style until a decision can be reached.

In addition to the great advice you’ve received, can I ask if she gets plenty of exercise? My DS was quite feisty if he didn’t get in a good hour of running around every day - in addition to the playground at lunchtime. Doing a sport or dancing also helps them to learn discipline and good team player skills. I remember my son couldn’t go out for 3 days because of terrible weather. In desperation I put our raincoats and wellies on and took him out. He ran like a superhero for a good mile straight. He just needed to get the pent up energy out of his system.

Lots of posters talking about the cheese episode and how they would be angry if they were refused more cheese. It's not actually about the cheese, is it? It's about a child who doesn't get the word 'no'. Asking 'please may I have more cheese?'. And then accepting the answer is what is expected. Not screaming to get what they want, and the screaming as a reaction to the word no is not acceptable.
As others have said, say no and mean it. No giving in. FWIW my adult child has ASD and ADHD. He learnt that no means no. It's important that your daughter gets that too.

I think I would want to look into this as something beyond a behavioural issue. If you are decent parents trying to impose boundaries and expectations of behaviour, this seems like something more. I would be wondering whether she was neurodiverse and whether these meltdowns stem from feeling overwhelmed, out of control, dealing (not dealing) with the unexpected. Girls are undiagnosed. Try out some good, firm but kind parenting techniques and then think about talking to school, her teacher or the senco or the GP. Be prepared to be fobbed off.

OP- you haven't addressed any of the comments about whether there is possible ND. I think it is very easy for posters to say stop giving in and leave her to scream but I would hazard a guess that in most cases where a child is consistently showing age inappropriate behaviour there is a reason for other other than they have learnt that they can get their own way eventually. Even if you don't suspect ND at the moment you should bare it in mind so that if there are future problems you can revisit the idea.

So you gave in. Your child is in charge, she knows exactly what to do to get what she wants. Stop giving in, eventually it will get better.
If you don't. It will get worse!

I get what your saying but having witnessed a four year old child on a 4 hour train journey who had her face stuck on the phone for the whole journey it was shocking. When her mother took it from her you could have heard her screams on the other side of the train. This along with punching and kicking. Another thing I noticed is when she was taken to the toilet she stared straight ahead as if still on the phone and wouldn't reply when spoken to. It was as if she was hypnotised. I said to her mother is she missing the phone and she said its the only time she gets like this but we don't know what to do to get her off it. There are benefits to online games,watching films etc but when children become addicted there are consequences. Obviously the same consequences are attributed to tablets etc too.

Yep she needs firm consequences and big ones.

If she messes you around re. food, give her 5 minutes to eat it. If she doesn’t, it goes straight in the bin (or in the fridge for tomorrow so she learns she’s still got to eat it).

Re the screaming/not going to bed. No birthday party maybe? It’ll save you a fortune anyway. It sounds drastic but she’ll get the message.

I’ve done this myself as has a friend. I’d say it worked.

Of course I wouldn't. But I don't have anyone guarding the cheese and telling me I'm not allowed any more.

I wouldn't take kindly to someone telling me what percentage of cheese I'm allowed on my pasta. It would rile me up. I'm an adult and I can regulate my behaviour, so I don't have tantrums when I feel angry and out of control, but I'd still experience crossness and dismay over it.

For a six year old in the same scenario who knows there's a good chance someone will give them cheese if they have a tantrum about it, yelling feels entirely justified.

If she's passionate about cheese she needs to have more leeway here. It's a fair passion. Like lots of people are saying, give her a bowl of grated cheese to add as she pleases or ask her to eat X amount more pasta before being allowed more cheese.

All things that will avoid the anger behind the eruption because it's not worth it over a little bit of grated cheese.

Then she's being allowed to be her own little person when she desires something reasonable.

I have just picked up on your point about only wanting to eat cheese? Is she in general a fussy eater?
I am suspecting some type of ND. Girls are very good at masking in school!

When my ds(5) does things like this I do a lot of reflecting back for him. "Wow you're really mad you can't have more cheese. Mommy likes cheese too and I would be really mad and sad if I couldn't have more. It's ok to be mad, it's not ok to scream. If you don't stop screaming, you will go in your room by yourself and read a book" In regards to the phone I've found my son responds very positively to screen time when used properly. My son has the same, an old phone with educational games and it's invaluable when used the right way. I don't allow any "fun" games, as they do cause a problem. Ds had a Mario game that I almost immediately removed after I noticed the change in his behavior. Frustration, always asking for the phone, upset when he can't have it. When it's just the educational games that are more low-key he is excellent. Plays on the phone while I breastfeed the baby, he gets a 5 minute warning that I'm taking the phone, after that ok phone time is over lets color. No problems.

Could she be PDA autistic?

Poor neighbours!