Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

My son is on the autistic spectrum and now grown up but when he was little he threw major tantrums and I was exasperated and embarrassed for others to witness his behaviour. Here's what worked on the advice of a child psychologist. When he threw a tantrum I had to hold his arms firmly and not look at him, this works from the back or front. It may take a while but eventually he calmed down. Alternatively sit him on one of the stairs, sit beside him with my arm across him and do not engage. Do not look or communicate until the tantrum is over. When the tantrum is over talk to them, ask if they're finished screaming etc. If the tantrum resumes rinse and repeat. At bedtime be firm. You are not going to respond to screaming. Let your other daughter stay up if she wants to because she deserves it being well behaved and having to put up with this nonsense from her sister. If your daughter comes downstairs take her back to bed without speaking to her. Never communicate with her when she is screaming or behaving badly. But be kind and loving when she's not. It takes a bit of perseverance but a few weeks after we started he was behaving really well, no more tantrums or screaming. It was worth every minute.

This is ridiculous! A 6 year old with a phone? You need to take that away permanently for starters, screen time is probably part of the problem.

And presumably she’s going into Year 2? That’s far too old to be having tantrums like a toddler. You need to tell her this. Tell her she’s a big girl now, she’s in Year 2 and she needs to improve her behaviour.

And stop giving into her. Tell her from now on screaming won’t work. And stick to it, no matter how hard. Both of you need to be consistent and stick to the same message, reinforce that boundary over and over again. It will be hard to start with but it’s the only way.

It's hard OP. Some kids really can outlast you with their stamina and sounds like your DD is one of them!

I think once you stand firm that it will get worse, much worse before it gets better unfortunately. She will not like that her tantrums are not getting her anywhere anymore.

I'm getting some assistance from a behaviour practitioner at the moment for my DS. He's helping me to get rid of the power struggles with DS, and I have to say that it has reduced a lot of stress and bad behaviour.

This explains a lot of the behaviour problems. Too much screen tine, too much indulgence

I'd assume that temper tantrum = overtired and put her to bed earlier the next night.
I'd relate how early according to how long she screams (1 hour screaming = 15 minutes earlier to bed).
Withdrawal of TV time might also be linked.

Stand firm, be consistent, and give unpleasant consequences for her bad behaviour. I'd be rewarding that good child who is sharing her room, too.

I hope I’m not the only one to be appalled that a 6 year old has a phone at all, let alone taking it to bed with her!

We actually sleep best if we've had carbs within about an hour of going to bed so I think it's quite reasonable for kids to want a snack just before bed. What isn't reasonable is to be using it as a stall tactic. We've found that the best approach with my dd is as per my pp give her the opportunity to eat just before starting bedtime routine and make it clear kitchen is closed after this.

I think you've answered your own question. As long as you've ruled out ND and spoken with school you will have to get tough. My 5 year old can still have a good old tantrum when she doesn't get her own way (we do not give in). However we are starting to notice that these are when she is tired from school. She does suffer with restraint collapse and when she we are stuck in the house all day it tends to be more regular then.

We've definitely at issues at mealtimes. I put cheese in a separate dish for each of the kids on the side. As I give it to them "this is all your cheese, there will not be any more". Of course sometimes they ask and it'll be "when I gave it to you I said there wouldn't be any more, that's sad that you've eaten it all and want more but I'm afraid that's it." Often they'll get down from the table after a couple of mouthfuls and it'll be "ok if you are done your plate will stay on the table for 30 minutes after that time it'll go in the bin, there will be no more food today until breakfast when you wake up tomorrow". It's been hard work reinforcing the boundaries but it has worked over time

DS is 13 and he has supper every evening! Even if he has had dinner late. he was just milk at age 6 but now is cereal. I tell him he doesn't need it but its part of his routine and he likes cereal. He's not overweight and does a lot of exercise so it's not a battle I choose to fight.

She's screaming very simply because it gets her what she wants.... sometimes..... but other times she gets bollocked for it or gets told that abritrary things several days in the future won't be happening. She's screaming because she wants her own way but also you're making her more stressed, more angry and less trusting of you by not being consistent and firm.

You need to take zero shit, give her zero wiggle room and make the consequences direct. If she's screaming get some earplugs. 'That's fine darling scream if you need to I realise this is very frustrating for you but its bedtime now so you're not leaving this room. If there's a pattern eg she's always 'hungry' then have a firm but fair and proactive approach to this. Acknowledge that it's a regular issue and reach a fair conclusion. 'I've noticed you're always hungry whilst we're trying to get to bed. I really don't want you to be hungry and I feel very sad that you're hungry but the problem is that once it's bedtime and teeth are brushed we can't be eating as your teeth are nice and clean and it's time to be getting to sleep. How about we agree that I warn you a few minutes before bedtime that it's your last chance to eat. You can have cereal/milk/fruit but you have to eat what you want before bedtime (get an egg timer if needed) and there will be water only after this' There isn't a lot you can/should do to punish a kid for this behaviour as such but you can refuse to be strung along by it and you can try and help her make connections at times when she's more regulated. Don't bother making idle threats whilst she's upset and screaming because it just won't register or will make her more upset. Do it when she's calmed down. For example the next day 'It's a shame. I was thinking of taking you to the park today but I'm just too tired after you were screaming for so long last night. Maybe if we have a better night tonight we can go tomorrow'

She mostly needs boundaries by the sounds of it. It's hard when you have such a stubborn and evasive child (believe me I know!) But just stay calm but firm and she will get the message

Spot on…why would she stop screaming as she knows you will give in because of it?

it’s a battle of wills now

Does she have enough opportunities to make her own choices / be independent?

What time is she actually falling asleep if she's screaming for hours? Why not have snack, screen time, toys etc before bed and move bedtime back, so by the time its bedtime she's done all her playing and is more tired?

I think there's a lot going on. Give her a snack immediately after school. It's sounds like she's exhausted and over wrought and knows how to push your buttons. If she doesn't eat dinner take it away. Explain that no means no and no amount of screaming will change your mind. She can have her friend over when her behaviour improves. Don't force her to eat.

So what boundaries do you enforce? Do you ever say no to her? If she gets her own way all the time, you've created a monster and it'll only get worse.

Time for some tough love.

That's not immediate enough

On the contrary, it sounds from the OP's posts that no negotiation has been attempted and it is all black and white, yes or no.

Yes, but by the sounds of this child, any bargaining will be met with screaming until she wins. She would simply not eat those five bites, and scream for the cheese. She's learnt that when you scream, you get what you want, with no conditions attached.

I would give a snack if asked.

I actually used to give a chunk of cheese..... 😁

I researched at the time and came up with this as being ok for teeth after they'd been brushed.

The way to deal with that is not to make a big fuss - it is annoying when they don't eat lovingly prepared meals, but IMO the less fuss is made about it the sooner the fussy phase will pass.

I would ask her to eat five mouthfuls then she can have more cheese.

All children need a snack before bed. A slice of toast & warm milk is a good idea.

All you can do is make her safe, then ignore her. Follow it up with some "natural consequences". For example, when my 3yo woke me up one night, carrying on and demanding apple juice of all things, the next day I was unfortunately "too tired to take him to soft play". Obviously he didn't get apple juice either.

I think it became an argument because she was only eating the cheese off the top, and not touching the spag bol. Then she asked for more cheese, and skimmed that off the top too. She may as well have sat down to a meal of grated cheese. But the parents want her to eat better meals.

Depends on the child, but generally, dinner time could be several hours before bedtime, their stomachs and portions are small and metabolisms fast.

Bedtime is about feeling warm, loved and comfortable and dozy and if part of that is a bit of toast and milk then great. Life is not just about the bare minimum that you need to survive but feeling happy and comfortable.

If you are trying to make a snidey point about childhood obesity or are a competitive undereater, then come out with it, as otherwise I can't see why you would have a problem with the concept of supper.

Ear plugs. Or actually the suggestion of headphones is better that way you can watch TV.

Someone once told me that at least 85% of tantrums are caused by tiredness or hunger.

I'd work on the basis of one or both of those being the cause of the screaming - snack immediately after school so not hangry by dinner, and as pp have said pick your battles on the things you say no to (this early in the school term, personally I wouldn't make just cheese for dinner one of them).

For the things you do say no to, absolutely do not cave. In our house it's no screens after dinner on school nights. Kids hate it, but that's the rule no matter how much they kick off.