Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

Discussing emotions throughout the day would be useful (not just when she’s having a meltdown) Such as “how does that make you feel” when having a bath, eating nice food, dropping something, etc. and labelling the emotion with her. Then if it’s a negative emotion- “what can we do to feel less sad/angry/tired etc.
Also do you have anything as a positive reinforcement thing in place such as a sticker chart? I know she seems old for it but sometimes going back to basics with that focus/goal can help with behaviour. Such as if she gets enough stars that day she gets to choose a yummy treat to eat (or whatever you know will motivate her).

You definitely need to just stop giving in to her tantrums. Eventually she'll get the message but if she doesn't maybe look into child counselling?
Is it possible she is neurodivergent or has childhood depression or anxiety? It could just be bratty behaviour but if you feel you are being firm/fair but she's really not listening there may be underlying factors like autism or mental health issues.

@whatswiththerain

Just curious to know if you've tried any of the suggestions you've been given and how it's going.

I also have a 6 year old who sounds (although not quite as bad) very similar. We have definitely found that since she has been back at school, she is worse. She is much more tired and by the time tea time comes around she’s is ‘hangry’ and really struggles to control the emotion. The more we were telling her off/putting her in her room, the louder she would scream. I know she’s not like this at school and in general she is a sweet, funny little girl but we were walking on eggshells! Funnily enough, she is exactly the same with her cheese too! I now will give her a small bowl with the cheese in and she can use it as she wants but I make it clear that’s all there is. This seems to work. I’ve definitely found that by also doing the following, things have improved:

• No screen time on weekdays. I didn’t realise how much this was impacting her behaviour, even in small doses. She did kick off when we orginally told her no iPad but she soon forgot about it.
• We give her tea (along with her brother) earlier, about 4ish instead of 5pm-5:30pm. This seems to give her a little more energy and she doesn’t get to the hangry stage. If she wants a snack/supper before bed then she does.
• I start bedtime routine earlier, around 6pm, rather than 7pm and that was she is usually sound asleep by 7pm after a couple of stories.

I do believe for her it’s more of a tiredness/hangry issue than general bad behaviour. They are still so little 😢

Good luck!

Gosh, I bet you and your DD are exhausted ❤️There is a childrens version of The Inner Chimp which is really great.
I remember seeing a real difference in my son at this age and really the only that worked was me staying calm (really hard!), listening and being consistent. Also picking my battles (is it worth arguing over this?) and trying not to take it too personally because he was emotionally disregulated not attacking me.
Take it back to basics in terms of needs… is she tired, is she hungry etc. Also don’t fall in to the trap of trying to rationally discuss things when she is frustrated because her brain just can’t listen and take it in.
How is she at school? x

If she’s not eating it because she’s screaming she probably doesn’t want it !
force feeding kids and having a screaming argument isn’t a healthy balance either!

(child is also probably full of after school sweets! - which is why I suggest that is also something to stop!)

A six year old has a phone? What on earth for? Take it off her as aoon as you can. Honestly this will be part of the problem, phones are all about "instant reward". She'll be losing any ability for patience, regulating her own emotions, using her imagination. Neither of my kids had a phone til they were 14. My now 19 year old says it was the best parenting decision I ever made, and thanks me for it

What I would do.

Order noise cancelling headphones.
Wait until the next time she is calm.
Explain to her that:

• Screaming at people in this manner can hurt them/can cause pain
• The next time she screams at you or anyone else that way for the sake of screaming, it will be considered similar to hitting.
• So now she gets a calm down countdown from 5-1.
• If she gets to 1, there will be a consequence (such as a toy being taken away for a day / no screens or whatever suits the situation), and you and your partner put the headphones on and just ride it through until she unlearns the habit.

I’d also look for behaviour videos on kids YouTube for her to watch to see things from a different perspective. This behaviour sounds really controlling, and I wonder if she doesn’t feel heard or in control around school friends etc so I’d try to give her as much choice and control around simple daily activities where the choice doesn’t matter.

I honestly don’t think the anger and hatred is deep. It’s a reaction when she doesn’t feel in control and she has learnt that screaming like this gets her what she wants. It’s going to be hard but you and your DH have to work as a team to win. As others have said, headphones on. Once ‘no’ has been established, do not react or give attention or communicate. You need to win now before she grows up and this becomes a bigger problem. As others has also said, if she can behave at school she can behave for you. If you have given the consequence her friend will not be stopping, you also need to stick at that. It’s hard being a parent and they can’t always like you. I remember my mum saying to me when I was little that she loved me and always would but she did not like my behaviour. Hit hard.

Yeah no doubt the screen addiction is not helping. It is so harmful

This! She’s learned screaming gets her what she wants as you just cave to her demands. If she’s safe (ie in her bedroom) shut the door and let her scream it out.

very different but my dd went through a phase of getting up when put to bed. For a few nights, I was at it for 2-3 hours quietly taking her back to bed. She got the idea. Never had an issue since.

You'll only make things worse giving in and letting her have her own way.

We've all been there! Time to put boundaries in place, otherwise it will get worse and she will become a total brat. Try and soothe her, " I know it's tricky when you can't have more cheese, when you've eaten your pasta, you can have some more". Choose your battles, but stick to your guns like your life depends on it. She will learn, if you feel like you might crack change of face with your partner and leave the house. Lots of praise and rewards for desired behaviour I've always done a snack at bedtime, it was one less battle for the day.

By putting the heating on? It's not that hard to work out surely?

I and most people I know have had the heating on a few days now, it is September!

By putting the heating on? It's not that hard to work out surely?

I and most people I know have had the heating on a few days now, it is September!

@JillMW

how do you have warm towels? Most people aren’t putting the heating on yet.

not really sure why everyone is still replying to the OP itself when the op hasn't posted since wednesday last week.

I never like to leave a child to scream. Ideally I prefer it is they don’t start but kids have a way of doing what we do not want them to.
I wonder about changing her bed time routine. Can she have a substantial snack at about 4? I wonder if she is so tired and hungry by five that she is beside herself.
She can then have her main meal with the family at five or six. Do the children help choose and prepare meals? If she does this together with her sister perhaps the meal time could be come fun rather than a power struggle. If there is cheese let them grate their own cheese, slowing the process down takes away the speedy gratification and the activity distracts her from the scream. After the meal get hem to clear the table together and then prepare themselves a snack ready to eat before bed.
Have a quiet story, let them take turns reading or describing the pictures. And then bed time, they run thd bath together and add the bubbles. Sing gently with them whilst they are soaking. Then nice big warm towels and let them choose their pajamas.
if you all climb into her sisters bed and talk about your days and you slow your breathing and gradually speak less you may find her drowsiness quietens her. You can move her into her bed when she is asleep.
Often strong willed screaming children are worried or frustrated and create s viscious circle of tension. Try to break that by calm, quiet and letting her have choices.
Do you have a calm kind adult who could come and help you for a week? Very often children behave admirably for an “Aunty”. It might just give you the opportunity as a family to have some quiet non frustrating time.
Good luck. You are not bad parents, you are parents going through a challenging time. We pretty much all have them at some point

send her to bed without any dinner
That will go down well here!

School have set boundaries, you haven’t.
leave the toy at home.
if she insists on taking the toy to school, leave it with the office till Friday/end of month/end of term.
tell her she can have sweets from the shop on a Friday if she’s been good. They are not an everyday occurrence. …. If she is having sweets at 3.30 that’s probably a contributing factor to her not wanting to eat at 5pm properly!

she’s 5. She understands more than you think! & she’s controlling you! But she doesn’t really know what is best.
I would tell her you love her, because you always will, but at the moment you don’t like her behaviour and that it needs to change.

send her to bed without any dinner. Tell her she has 20/30 minutes to eat it and then the plates are being cleared, or put in the fridge. If she’s hungry you could reheat it once an hour or so later.

you’ve got to follow through!!! whatever you say, say it calmly before she kicks off and follow it through.

cheese, “no you’ve had your share, we need some left for tomorrow“…. “I’ve finished my dinner, I’m washing up in ten minutes, including your plate”.

Has she been ill at all recently? We are facing similar, out of nowhere…suspect possible Pans/pandas, it’s horrific

This.
Warn the neighbours and resolve to go for it for your own sanity.
If she screams you take her calmly to her room and put those headphones on. Ignore her. If she behaves, lots of attention.
It'll be hell but much better in the long run.

Yes and GAPS was developed originally to heal autism. Autistic children have heavy metal toxicity as well as immune dysregulation and gut dysbiosis. GAPS=Gut and Psychology Syndrome https://www.gaps.me

I'd say so.

One member of my mum's side of the family has a formal diagnosis of high-functioning Autism. (Asperger's was the diagnosis at the time, but I believe we're not supposed to say that?) He's done very well for himself.

His diagnosis helped us understand a lot about our family has a whole. I got a diagnosis of OCD at the age 36. Now in my 60s and it's been suggested that i have ASD plus ADHD. ( I don't see the point in looking for a formal diagnosis. I did mention it to my GP and she just said "What's normal?)

I recall speaking to an autistic teen at work one time and it was like looking at a male version of myself at the same age - quiet at times and then possibly disclosing too much, whilst going off at a tangent. I still have a tendency to do that, but I'm more aware of it now.

Eye contact has always been a problem for me. I used to fake it in the classroom.

My mum used to hide behind her mother. As an adult found it very difficult to speak to people. Her uncle lived with my grandparents. He'd retreat to his hut if visitors came to the house.

Mum's cousin did get married - his wife made all the running - but could only cope with his immediate family.

Having said all that, we've all had fairly good lives. My social interaction is not what it should be. I managed at work because schoolteachers put on a show when they're teaching anyway.

It's reassuring to know there is a multidisciplinary assessment with a differential diagnosis before an actual diagnosis of autism. Personally speaking if it was my child I wouldn't be perturbed by the long waiting list for an assessment. If I felt my child was difficult to understand or had behavioural issues I'd welcome an interim parenting class if it was available before the assessment procedure and all it entails.

I don't disagree with what you're saying, but did you know this is actually a very common age for a child to get their first phone nowadays??

I was so shocked when I read that but it's true