Page 3 | To not want to be the sole earner in the family?

DottyLS · 2024-09-11T18:44:32+00:00

Dh lost his job two months ago. It was a professional job but not high flying. He turned 58 soon after. He's applied for some jobs but his job search has not exactly been full on. I earn enough that together with using some of our savings we could probably keep going quite a while with no loss of living standards. Aibu though to not want that? He's not really doing that much around the house either, and I'm just not prepared to live like this - him taking it easy while I work and still do a good proportion of the housework. Added difficulty is that he thinks he's doing at keast 50 %!

Nsky62 · 11/09/2024 21:17

It’s a tough age to get a job, tho domestics could ease stuff, ( yes I gave up work at 59) and I could, little did I know Parkinson’s was soon to be diagnosed at 60, found out had it 5 years.
Is he unwell , or lacking motivation?

Original poster

DottyLS · 11/09/2024 21:17

The point is DH has never experienced coming home after a day at work, with me having spent the day at home, and needed to do any laundry, or cleaning of any sort etc
So for a start he should do all
of that, and without me having to give him instructions!
But on top of that, as others said, savings should not go towards enabling him not to work. They are for retirement, or for our children, or expenses like home improvements, possibly holidays.

OP posts:

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:11

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 21:08

Right, well that's not OP's problem.

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I know.
It wasn't meant to be the answer yonthe OP's problem.

HerewegoagainSS · 11/09/2024 21:10

Parker231 · 11/09/2024 20:10

I wonder how many men don’t want to be the main earner but people accept it as being ok?

Exactly what I was thinking!!!

OP is quite right not to want it. i agree with her. I wouldn’t neither. Yet how many men are forced into this situation and would be expected to come home and take over when they get in.

Fr33b33day · 11/09/2024 21:09

If he has his P45 he can claim contributions based job seekers allowance for a certain time period (savings not taken into account for a certain time period)

He should claim here
It also pays his National Insurance contributions until he gets another job

Apply here
https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Universal Credit

Universal Credit is replacing 6 other benefits with a single monthly payment if you're out of work or on a low income - eligibility, how to prepare.

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 21:08

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:04

2 of them do.
Doesn't get them anywhere.

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Right, well that's not OP's problem.

Original poster

DottyLS · 11/09/2024 21:08

Freeme31 · 11/09/2024 21:05

Does he have a private pension he could pull forward as he's over 55 years ? This could ease your financial worries and he could get a lesser paid job

Minimal pension unfortunately!

OP posts:

Dweetfidilove · 11/09/2024 21:06

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:00

4

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Presumably their husbands are able to tell them they're not comfortable being the only earner, and will leave if the arrangement no longer suits.

If they're happy for their wives to be homemakers, that's fine too, and is in no way similar to the OP's issue.

Freeme31 · 11/09/2024 21:05

Does he have a private pension he could pull forward as he's over 55 years ? This could ease your financial worries and he could get a lesser paid job

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:04

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 21:03

OK, if their husbands are not happy with it they should say something then like OP is doing.

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2 of them do.
Doesn't get them anywhere.

Supersimkin7 · 11/09/2024 21:03

The difference is that some men use equal
rights as a weapon against hardworking women.

He needs a job for his own happiness too.

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 21:03

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:00

4

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OK, if their husbands are not happy with it they should say something then like OP is doing.

Original poster

DottyLS · 11/09/2024 21:02

Viviennemary · 11/09/2024 21:00

It probably is quite disheartening for him to lose his job at his age. I don't blame you for not wanting to be the sole earner. Hopefully he will find a job soon.

I just think he won't the way he's going about it!!

OP posts:

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:01

somereallyniceadvice · 11/09/2024 20:59

It is the man sole responsibility to be the main earner, whoever is a man and does not want it, does not deserve a woman, sex, cooked food and nothing else. Leave alone children.

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Jesus.

This has to a be joke!

Viviennemary · 11/09/2024 21:00

It probably is quite disheartening for him to lose his job at his age. I don't blame you for not wanting to be the sole earner. Hopefully he will find a job soon.

Hateam · 11/09/2024 21:00

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 20:58

The woman goes back to work, I don't know any who didn't? How many women do you know that are stay at home wives with adult kids? It's not usual.

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4

Original poster

DottyLS · 11/09/2024 20:59

I don't mind if he does a "lesser" job, but he's not the easiest to communicate with right now. Things are rather frosty!

OP posts:

somereallyniceadvice · 11/09/2024 20:59

Parker231 · 11/09/2024 20:10

I wonder how many men don’t want to be the main earner but people accept it as being ok?

It is the man sole responsibility to be the main earner, whoever is a man and does not want it, does not deserve a woman, sex, cooked food and nothing else. Leave alone children.

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 20:58

Hateam · 11/09/2024 20:55

And when the kids grow up...?

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The woman goes back to work, I don't know any who didn't? How many women do you know that are stay at home wives with adult kids? It's not usual.

Hateam · 11/09/2024 20:55

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 20:12

Usually when women aren't working it's because they are looking after kids, and they usually do all the housework as well.

Presumably at 58 years old he isn't looking after young kids, and OP says he's not doing housework either.

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And when the kids grow up...?

RaininSummer · 11/09/2024 20:53

He needs to find a job. Hasn't he got ten years until state pension age?

HorsesDuvets · 11/09/2024 20:51

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 11/09/2024 20:31

The difference is that when men are at home all the time, they're almost always bone idle fuckers who don't lift a finger in the house. They get in the way, they don't stop chatting shit (when you're there trying to do what they couldn't be fucked to do when you were out,) and they generally dominate everything with their big booming voice and MAN presence. Everyone has to know he's there, he follows you around everywhere, and his mood often dictates the whole mood of the house.

I fucking HATE my DH being at home all the time. Some of the time is fine and we have good times together, but when he has had multiple weeks in a row off (off ill or covid lockdown) he has driven me fucking batshit. Most women I know feel the same. Men stuck at home all day are a fucking nuisance.

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What a load of disgustingly sexist bollocks.

Just because you've lumbered yourself with a useless cunt, don't just assume every other fucker has too.

Chonk · 11/09/2024 20:50

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 11/09/2024 20:31

The difference is that when men are at home all the time, they're almost always bone idle fuckers who don't lift a finger in the house. They get in the way, they don't stop chatting shit (when you're there trying to do what they couldn't be fucked to do when you were out,) and they generally dominate everything with their big booming voice and MAN presence. Everyone has to know he's there, he follows you around everywhere, and his mood often dictates the whole mood of the house.

I fucking HATE my DH being at home all the time. Some of the time is fine and we have good times together, but when he has had multiple weeks in a row off (off ill or covid lockdown) he has driven me fucking batshit. Most women I know feel the same. Men stuck at home all day are a fucking nuisance.

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Do you actually like your husband?

Parker231 · 11/09/2024 20:48

HeySummerWhereAreYou · 11/09/2024 20:31

The difference is that when men are at home all the time, they're almost always bone idle fuckers who don't lift a finger in the house. They get in the way, they don't stop chatting shit (when you're there trying to do what they couldn't be fucked to do when you were out,) and they generally dominate everything with their big booming voice and MAN presence. Everyone has to know he's there, he follows you around everywhere, and his mood often dictates the whole mood of the house.

I fucking HATE my DH being at home all the time. Some of the time is fine and we have good times together, but when he has had multiple weeks in a row off (off ill or covid lockdown) he has driven me fucking batshit. Most women I know feel the same. Men stuck at home all day are a fucking nuisance.

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Not all men are the same. DH has always done at least 50% of household and child related tasks. We have both always worked full time. I regularly had to work away from home but nothing slipped as DH picked it up - party presents and school shoes still got bought, dentist appointments attended and sports events supported.

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 11/09/2024 20:46

Have you asked him why he’s not properly searching for a job? Is he limiting himself to a similar role/industry to his previous job?

At his age, and if you both agree you can afford it, then I’d be looking for something that isn’t necessarily a profession or career, but pays enough that you don’t have to use savings. Postman, supermarket work, etc. Will he do that sort of thing or is he feeling the pressure to stay in more of a “career”?