Would you be able to see past this?

How is he a great father? They are still quite small, but it won't be long before you need to be taking them to activities etc, and with that age gap, ideally there will be a divide and conquer approach. So he needs to be able to do that - whether that's walking, public transport, or bus.

But putting aside the not driving thing, if he can't/won't drive, why can't he take them to the park? When he's at home with them is he actually engaging - helping with homework, playing in the garden, doing crafts? I will put. money on him not doing any of the other bits that can be done from home - engaging with the school, booking appointments, online shopping for clothes/uniform/other randomshit etc etc etc.

and as for you, while he's at home with them all the time, why can't he do some chores or make dinner?

As @GladBlueSlug says, my DH tries to make my life easier. He doesn't earn very much money, but he steps up in other ways. And the same is true for me to him. It has to be two way.

Um, what? I live with my partner and we don't have kids, and we each have our own chores we're responsible for. We don't just live like slobs because we don't have kids, we also want to come home to a nice looking house.

Yes we do fewer chores overall because we don't have kids throwing spaghetti around or spilling milk or leaving toys everywhere.

But his chores are: emptying the bin and the recycling, putting the bins out and taking them back in on the correct days, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, physically organising and paying the bills and letting me know how much I owe, buying and collecting takeaways at weekends, cooking the evening meal week days, soaking pans and roasters after use, telling me what needs to go on the shopping list for the meals he's cooking, spider catching (!), cleaning the extractor fans, and calling people if we need jobs doing. He also does all his own laundry and is responsible for keeping his hobby room clean and tidy.

Neither of us drives. But we live in a city because neither of us drives.

If he's your best friend I'd hate to meet your worst.

He's not a great father. He's a lazy fuck.

This!

@clareblue6

FWIW, my DP does the following:

Works full time in a very physically demanding job, pushes himself for promotions and payrises to support his family.
Cooks dinner for us every night and washes the dishes afterwards.
Drops the dogs at daycare in the morning and picks them up after work.
All DIY / home improvements.
All car related tasks (filling up washer fluid, Ad Blue, tyre pressures, valeting)
We both drive but he does most of the weekend and holiday driving despite doing a lot more mileage during the week.
He also puts washes on, hangs them out, changes the bedding, puts the bins out.....

I probably get the better end of this deal (!) as in return I -
Do the food shopping
Clean the house
Tidy the garden (ish!)
Feed the dogs and sort all stuff related to them (vets, food etc)
Manage all bills / bank account
Take care of all arrangements / book holidays etc.

He has always said that if he can have someone running his life (he hates any admin or financial stuff😂) that he is happy to do everything else in return so that's the deal we struck and it works for us. We both walk the dogs, drive DSD around and have our own hobbies too.

Obviously every couple is different but come on, there's got to be at least some equality for it to be a successful, functioning relationship, surely?!

And also, how can you even find a man attractive who does absolutely fuck all?!?!?!

No, I would not be happy at all having to do all the children related driving because he couldn't be bothered.

My DH can't drive due to a medical condition and it is annoying being the only driver, but it's not his fault. I'd be really annoyed if he voluntarily was making all of that my job.

He's still in Lazy teenager mode.
Do you really want one of those as a partner and Father of your DC?
I certainly wouldn't

My DH does everything he can to make my life easier or better.

A great dad wouldn't do what you have described. He may be a good friend to you, but that doesn't make him a good dad.

You need better friends if that's how the best one carrys on.

He's a loser
Why did you marry him?

Yeah sorry I have to agree with the others - how can be a great father when he contributes fuck all to the household and doesn't take the kids anywhere?

And how can he be your best friend when he does absolutely nothing to help you? Form the fact you have posted you clearly resent him and are unhappy - not sure that's really a great sign of family life and best friends to be honest...

Best friends? A best friend who is such a lazy fucker who lets you do everything? How on earth did your bar get that low that you settled for this.

Not driving is fine, there is public transport. But you, you are a fool and he knows it.

Everything would put me off.

Except the lack of driving: he just needs to use public transport and that’s on him. I sympathise with anyone who’s genuinely anxious about driving, it’s nothing to do with laziness - travelling on multiple methods of public transport often takes longer, and the responsibility being in charge of a vehicle on the road is huge for some. It’s not for everyone but there’s some weird expectation out there that everyone needs to learn to drive.

He sounds really pathetic and he's dragging you all down - it will only get worse. Children deserve parents who can be bothered to make the effort to have fun and do interesting things with them - doesn't have to be car based but that's just a weak excuse anyway. I'd get rid personally.

I couldn’t be dealing with him. I just can’t see what he’s bringing to the table, other than he sounds pleasant company - it’s not enough.

How is he your best friend?

He doesn’t pull his weight at home. Doesn’t do things with the children alone.

Doesn’t seem to have a motivation. Surely everyone would benefit if he could get a better paid job (I assume he can, since you believe he could with a bit of effort).

He doesn’t sound like a fully functioning adult or parent. He can’t keep the house running without you. Wouldn’t be able to do anything with the kids without you. He needs you to do the leg work on everything.

That’s not how best friends treat eachother.

What would happen if you were hospitalised or worse? Would he never go anywhere with the kids, never take them to school? Never clean the house or do the washing?

He isn’t supporting you as an equal adult in the household.

He doesn't take his kids to their childcare, school or activities.

He doesn't do his best to provide for them as much as he could

He doesn't take them anywhere for fun

He doesn't do anything to actually look after them (clean up after them, buy their clothes, organise their food, cook for them, tidy their toys, wash their clothes).

Why are you thinking that overall, he is a good father? It sounds like he contributes actually less than the bare minimum to family life.

Is there no other way he cab do the school runs (bike?)

He's a lousy father.

Nothing to do with not driving - that's irrelevant.

He does Nothing with them and is not helping in the house either, let alone doing minimal to bring in the ££££.

He's a lazy, self centred asshole and you are enabling him.

Wake up and see him for what he is - a waste of bloody space.

Genuine question, is he ok? Everything you’re saying could just mean he’s an arsehole…it could also mean he’s actually quite depressed

And I'm guessing pre-kids he only did the bins too??

I find this ‘you knew who he was pre kids’ argument to be a false fallacy. Pre kids most of us do a lot less chores/household admin than post children. As a woman I’d let more things slip than now I have children who deserve a better environment than a lazier single, child free adult living alone. Having kids sometimes is the eye opener of who can really move ahead as people and who wants to live a single person lifestyle whilst still having a family.

I think the lack of general support around the house would be my biggest irritation. Overall he sounds exceptionally lazy.

You say that you feel you need more- can you put your finger on what that is? Support around the house? Support with the mental load? More excitement? Something else?

This is DH in terms of work, but he learned to drive when I told him it was irresponsible to love where we do and not drive when we had DC. He also does ALL the cooking and cleaning, including ironing. Your DH is not a good dad, he is an agreeable and slightly useless lodger, I would expect more from an adult son living at home.

Sounds like my ex, bar he did get a better job. But it took me giving my full support, giving up work as it was intense full time training and I really believed in it meaning that it would work out because (like you) felt he was my best friend as well as my partner. Made me blind to just how unmotivated, lazy and unwilling to better himself and our environment he was. One day it was like a switch flicked and I got ‘the ick’. No going back from that, he thought I had changed into someone who always wanted lavish things, I thought we were on the same journey to want a better lifestyle. He just wanted a good job and thought everything else would magically work out - and if it stayed the same he didn’t really care anyway.