Page 2 | Would you be able to see past this?

clareblue6 · 2024-09-11T12:50:53+00:00

DH does not drive and will not learn. Refuses and says it makes him too anxious. We have two young kids so I have to do all the nursery and school drops and pick ups. He has a minimum wage job that he constantly complains about but will not job search at all or says he “needs to update his cv” but never will. If he has the kids he never takes them anywhere, stays in all day and uses the excuse that he can’t drive. Doesn’t do anything around the house, bar the bins and the occasional shoddy dishwasher stacking. No interest in diy / house renovation. But, we are best friends, get on very well and have a great rapport. He is a great father and the kids love him. We enjoy each other's company and love being all together as a family. I just feel I need more. aibu?

rockingbird · 11/09/2024 17:17

Is he a gamer? Sitting in the house all day with the kids when they could all be out in the fresh air. A nice walk in the local park, I can't imagine it's any fun for them stuck indoors all day! Seems like he quit on the driving far too soon, there certainly a lack of motivation there. He moans about the job enough will he just quit? Then what? You have yourself one lazy lodger. I'd be making it crystal clear he sorts his shit out or f's off.

Original poster

clareblue6 · 11/09/2024 17:16

GabriellaMontez · 11/09/2024 17:12

I keep telling myself that his loss is my gained knowledge/experience but I am burnt out.

He's a lazy twat. Why are you spinning this as a positive? Whose idea was this?

Mine 😂 I guess I've been kidding myself up until this point.

My alternative is to find somewhere to live for me and two kids (one with SEN) when everywhere is out of our budget and we have no family close by. It's very daunting.

OP posts:

theboywantstogoupthefield · 11/09/2024 17:16

What's he got going for him ? Nothing. He needs a massive kick up the arse

GabriellaMontez · 11/09/2024 17:12

I keep telling myself that his loss is my gained knowledge/experience but I am burnt out.

He's a lazy twat. Why are you spinning this as a positive? Whose idea was this?

MSLRT · 11/09/2024 17:12

Sounds like you have three needy people relying on you.

bifurCAT · 11/09/2024 17:06

So basically, he's 'fun' for both you and the kids, but not much else.

MakingPlans2025 · 11/09/2024 17:04

How can you be best friends with someone who is so lazy and lacking in ambition

Original poster

clareblue6 · 11/09/2024 17:00

I'm not fixated on that really, that's just something that a lot of people have questioned.
I know it's all shite.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 11/09/2024 16:59

Why are you so fixated on the driving?

That shouldn't be the main issue! Why are you turning a blind eye to the other 99% of his crapness?

socks1107 · 11/09/2024 16:53

It got me so down when my ex didn't drive. He was useless to helping most weekends and got away with watching football whilst I ran the kids about.
His second wife seems to have fallen into this too and he's still being driven around like a little boy

Original poster

clareblue6 · 11/09/2024 16:53

So the plans was always for him to learn to drive. When we met neither of us could drive. I learnt when I was pregnant with my first baby. Passed when I was 37 weeks.
He started lessons after our second was born, passed his theory and then failed a practical test and gave up. He's not mentioned it or been proactive with booking anything since. (3 years ago)
I keep telling myself that his loss is my gained knowledge/experience but I am burnt out.

OP posts:

conniefromaccounts · 11/09/2024 16:51

I wouldn't have married him in the first place, but seeing as you knew he couldn't drive and didn't want to and presumably knew he did nothing around the house before you had kids then this is your own doing.

KitsyWitsy · 11/09/2024 16:37

God I hate to see women settling for this. How low can the bar go?

GladBlueSlug · 11/09/2024 16:04

sunseaandsoundingoff · 11/09/2024 15:15

Um, what? I live with my partner and we don't have kids, and we each have our own chores we're responsible for. We don't just live like slobs because we don't have kids, we also want to come home to a nice looking house.

Yes we do fewer chores overall because we don't have kids throwing spaghetti around or spilling milk or leaving toys everywhere.

But his chores are: emptying the bin and the recycling, putting the bins out and taking them back in on the correct days, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, physically organising and paying the bills and letting me know how much I owe, buying and collecting takeaways at weekends, cooking the evening meal week days, soaking pans and roasters after use, telling me what needs to go on the shopping list for the meals he's cooking, spider catching (!), cleaning the extractor fans, and calling people if we need jobs doing. He also does all his own laundry and is responsible for keeping his hobby room clean and tidy.

Neither of us drives. But we live in a city because neither of us drives.

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You have no children but you sound a bit like children with your chores and he is responsible for keeping his room tidy.

If the bin is full, just take it out. Does it really matter who does it. Today I feel like cooking lasagne, oh no wait, it’s not my chore to cook. The washing basket is full, but I’ll only do mine as he does his own I couldn’t live like that, with designated chores. Utterly boring.

juicydroppop · 11/09/2024 16:03

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He needs to pull his weight. I would feel so drained being with somebody like that OP

Dozycuntlaters · 11/09/2024 16:00

Your best friend? Would your best friend watch you run round like a tit in a trance whilst sitting on her arse doing bugger all? Mine wouldn't.

Make a list, what does he do....like actually do.....to make your life easier.
What do you love about him.

I had this with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. She was moaning about her partner like she has for years and I asked why she was with him and she said because she loves him. I asked her what she loved about him......she couldn't come up with one single thing, not one.

Time to start asking yourself some harsh questions OP.

Pictures50 · 11/09/2024 15:57

He's a lazy arse.
Stay as long as suits you but long I would be making plans to co parent.

Lazy arses are not great fathers.

MounjaroUser · 11/09/2024 15:56

You are living with a lazy, selfish user and you call him your best friend? Time to up your standards, OP.

TealTraybake · 11/09/2024 15:53

Wow. He sounds exceptionally lazy and selfish. Mind boggling. You deserve better. x

Naunet · 11/09/2024 15:46

How is a great father when he does nothing for his kids? If you were as ‘great’ a parent as he is, the kids likely wouldn’t be alive.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/09/2024 15:29

God no, I couldn’t live like that. Lazy as fuck.

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 15:23

sunseaandsoundingoff · 11/09/2024 15:15

Um, what? I live with my partner and we don't have kids, and we each have our own chores we're responsible for. We don't just live like slobs because we don't have kids, we also want to come home to a nice looking house.

Yes we do fewer chores overall because we don't have kids throwing spaghetti around or spilling milk or leaving toys everywhere.

But his chores are: emptying the bin and the recycling, putting the bins out and taking them back in on the correct days, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, physically organising and paying the bills and letting me know how much I owe, buying and collecting takeaways at weekends, cooking the evening meal week days, soaking pans and roasters after use, telling me what needs to go on the shopping list for the meals he's cooking, spider catching (!), cleaning the extractor fans, and calling people if we need jobs doing. He also does all his own laundry and is responsible for keeping his hobby room clean and tidy.

Neither of us drives. But we live in a city because neither of us drives.

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I’m not saying ‘living like a slob’, but having kids is so much more than emptying the bin, cooking for two and the washing up that comes with that. You have to be on the ball 24/7 thinking about meeting their needs. It’s really not comparable to two child free adults living together, throw kids into the mix and things can become unbalanced fairly quickly.

It usually happens over the first year of having a child, when typically the mum is on mat leave. Because she’s not out of the home working for a while, what was a balanced two adult household becomes more of ‘her job’, along with now caring for a child and the extra that comes with that. Many times the balance isn’t readjusted and it’s only after having the children and somehow slipping into this ‘new normal’ that you look back and wonder how the fuck your past life pre kids became this unwanted tradwife situation.

Conniebygaslight · 11/09/2024 15:23

In answer to you question OP, no I couldn't see past this AT ALL.

teenmaw · 11/09/2024 15:19

Would I see past it? Knowing me probably yes. Because he's not done anything catastrophic I'd plod along miserable missing out on a life full of freedom and fun because it would be easier than leaving. And I'd probably regret it, resent him and leave once my children were gone and I'd wasted my best years mothering a man child.

Elphamouche · 11/09/2024 15:18

Sorry I pressed the wrong bloody one!!

YANBU!! I wouldn’t put up with that.