To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

It works great for DH and I. I’m sure it doesn’t work for some other people, but what works and what doesn’t work for other people isn’t really something I care or have an opinion about. People choose to do all kinds of things in their relationships which are successes or disasters, I can’t quite work out why anyone else who isn’t in the relationship in question needs to debate about or have an investment in any of it.

Famously monogamy never ends in tears…

Im poly, no one made me do it it’s just how I love, it doesn’t mean I don’t love people just because I feel compersion instead of jealousy when I see a partner with someone else. It’s just how my brain is wired.

Yes it often ends in heartache… relationships ending hurts regardless of your set up.
If someone is feeling coerced into non-monogamy that it’s abusive and not ethical non monogamy.

Here’s what I want to know. Has there ever been a relationship of three people (all romantic/sexual with each other) that’s lasted for decades? I’ve heard of same-sex couples who’ve been together since before that was considered socially acceptable, so I don’t think “no, because it’s been so taboo” works as an answer.

That said, I have some friends for whom it works well. Boundaries and communication seem key. As does doing it for pleasure and not to fix something that is broken.

I read about a polyamorous foursome - two couples. Both the women had children and nobody knew who the fathers were. On the face of it a foursome seems more equal - but I still suspect the men benefit more.

I tried it with my ex-husband as some last ditch attempt to stay married in an otherwise sexless relationship. All it did was mean that I slept with a few random people before realising I wanted love AND intimacy- and finally left.

My ex wife wanted to, and talked me into trying it on threat of leaving. That she is my ex tells you all you need to know.

Someone posted this video on one of the feminism threads here when it came out:

It’s the writer Lindy West and her husband and their new girlfriend talking about how great bringing this extra person into the relationship was.

I don’t see how anyone could watch this and not see what I see: a woman with low self worth desperate to keep the man she’s obsessed with at any cost, and a man who has no qualms about taking advantage of that.

I often think polyamorous setups are just different flavours of this.

I agree with this. In theory I don’t have a problem with it but in practice I have observed it’s nearly always men who want this.

I also don’t really understand the point of it. Why put yourself through the hassle of being in a committed relationship with someone if they are shagging other people? Why wouldn’t you just be on your own?

I think in hetero couples in 95% of cases it benefits the man far more than the woman. I’m sure women will be on here soon to say it works great for them - they’re in the 5%!

I know that I wouldn't be able to cope with it, and I can see that it's necessarily more difficult than a couple relationship, but I don't think it's doomed.

I know plenty of monogamous relationships that have ended acrimoniously, so the failure of a few consensually non-monogamous ones doesn't particularly convince me that they can't work.

I think it can work but it's very rare for it to. Usually one person wants it more than the other.