To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

I was the biggest advocate of this at one stage in my life.

But I was wrong and you're absolutely right

Romantic and sexual relationships can be/should be fun, joyful, and liberating. They also involve our deepest emotions. When we are intimate with
someone we become vulnerable. This is true in one night stand as much as a long term partnership. If you enter into polyamory you will inevitably have to face strong emotions, either yours or someone else’s. You can’t make that reality go away with lots of rules, boundaries or talking.

Emotions are very powerful and mostly don’t respond well to reason. Why deliberately choose to live like that? That’s nothing to do with judging others or being prudish. It’s just the nature of every human heart. If someone tells you they can manage a polyamorous relationship long term then perhaps there is something unusual in the way they feel emotion. I would steer clear of that kind of person.

I don’t think you can extrapolate your personal feelings and experiences to other people. I think it’s great that you know your own boundaries and limitations and what you want in and from your relationships; but they’re not everybody’s. I’m always surprised when people talk about marriage as a compromise, because I don’t find my marriage a compromise at all; nor do I associate feelings like exhausting with my other relationships.

What makes you assume all poly people are married to one of their partners?

A fair number of the Bloomsbury Group cultivated open and non-monogamous relationships and liaisons for significant periods of their lives. Not necessarily throuples; but throuples are only one small subset of non-monogamy in the first place.

@knittingdad

I mean maybe some people manage it. I’m not against it if people can make it work for them. I just find the thought exhausting and pointless.

Why bother being married to someone (which, let’s face it, is enough of a compromise in the best circumstances) if your primary emotional and sexual relationship isn’t with your spouse?

It works if it's the woman's idea in the first place.

Definitely an issue. You can only have so many relationships before you’re out of time and energy.

For me I don’t live with any partners or intend to.

I have a long term partner (5yrs) who is long distance (70 miles) a fairly recent partner who lives in the nearest city and is hoping to build up a supporting loving relationship

I also have 5 people I hook up with as and when it fits. Not always ending in sex and could be 6+ months between seeing them.
They’re essentially intimate friends rather than partners in the traditional sense.

Can’t speak for anyone else but my male partner has only has 1 connection with someone else in 5yrs whereas I can’t count off the top of my head how many I’ve had.
Fortunately for us he is happy enough with what we have and not actively seeking anything though he’d be open to it if it happened naturally and appreciates that he has the freedom to do so. He is not jealous or begrudging when I am off with someone else and is actually really respectful and supportive.

I did once have a partner who needed to ‘even the score’ if I was with someone but that gave me the ick so I ended it

Lots of reasons, good and bad.

You might know these other people and care about the risk of them being hurt.

People generally learn about what is right and wrong by seeing what other people do.

People can feel insecure about other people doing things differently and prefer to see their own choices validated.

Those are the few that spring most immediately to mind.

Edith Craig, christabel Marshall and clare Atwood were a lesbian throuple who all lived together at smallhythe in Kent from 1916 until Edith's death in 1947. (Not poly by the way, just to answer your question)

Because it is an interesting social trend? Though I don't know if it is yet a trend. I don't care exactly but I am definitely interested because I know some poly people who are very open about their lives on social media ( so hard to avoid). Like they will say " I am off on my date and DH is off on his date. I love my life!!!!!". Or words to that effect.

Why would you care what other people do in their relationships

It's gross and seems to be something "pick me" people do.

DP and I swing. We have fairly strict boundaries. Only ever swing together and are quite selective with the couples we have sex with. Most swingers are older and not our type, so we just don't have sex with them. One of my favourite things about sex with DP is seeing him pleasured, more opportunity for pleasure with more body parts. That's all there is to it. We have a solid relationship and a great sex life together, there's not a part of me worried about him chos8ng another woman over me or risking what we have for anybody else.

I feel the same way about the general popularity of porn/ porn culture these days, and the way anyone who objects is called prudish.
Convenient for some.

The point for me would be that I believe people have the capacity to love more than one person, and with enough generosity and trust it's in principle possible to maintain a relationship between three or four people, in a similar way to a relationship between two people.

The most successful example of this that I've seen involved four people, btw. Husband and wife. Wife also had a boyfriend. Boyfriend had a second girlfriend.

I’ve only seen this work long-term in same sex relationships.

This is very very true. Far more people want you (if you are the woman) than your husband. It's easy to think our husbands would be swimming in offers because we love them, and because anxiety is a bitch. But the reality is women in the poly community are approached by a constant stream of men, often brand new because they convinced their wife it would be ok, and no one I know wants to handhold or unpack all that bullshit.

Yes I often think it's more for the mans benefit than the womans.

I also feel that a very large percentage of women are living with their other halves for nothing more than financial reasons.

Monogamy hasn't exactly done wonders for women, or promoted human happiness, either.

I've seen it work well on a couple of occasions, both (I know in one case, in the other I think) when the couple had stopped having sex because the man no longer wanted to. The women had FWB situations with full disclosure to their spouses, arrangements about which I know nothing. But they're still married, and seem strong and functional insofar as one can judge from outside.

Another friend is meditating it, and thinks her husband will agree. In her case, it's because she is bi, and while she wants to remain married to her DH, whom she loves, but also to explore the other side of her sexuality.

So all the ones I know have been initiated by women.

Hmm @SomePosters when you put it like that.... maybe.

I wonder where people have the emotional bandwidth. I think I am very limited that way. Seems like one more chore on my to do list.

I did once read about that happening, somewhere in the depths of twitter. Like you, I lol'd.

Yes, it's never seemed like a coincidence that the bits of feminism we've been most fully allowed to realise are the ones that facilitate greater male sexual access. Which isn't to say that eg contraception hasn't been a wonderful thing for women too. It's just that, say, men taking an equal burden of elder care would also be wonderful, and yet that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon.

It’s funny to me seeing people say the men benefit more than the women.

Spend an hour on any poly discussion page and you will see that is far from the truth.

women find it much easier to arrange dates/hook ups and men usually find their dating pool very small.
Which is particularly satisfying when you do see a man who has manipulated his female partner into opening the relationship only to find he’s sat at home while she’s off out dating

I once voiced this in a group but all the younger people told me I was a prudish trad married. Which I suppose I am.

I cant help feeling that so much of modern day liberalism conveniently benefits men. I don't think monogamy is ideal either. just that it is generally better than the alternative.