To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

It’s clear that op and many posters aren’t interested in expanding their understanding but just want to bully people into conforming with the norm so I’m not going to engage in good faith discussion further.

To those who were genuinely interested. I am someone with kids and for me poly is great in that respect.
None of my partners are parents (to my kids) or step parents.
That is never on the table as a relationship stage we may reach and this is made clear to potential partners.

For me the very exhausting feeling people keep saying about isn’t there because I am not responsible for my partners well being or welfare. I contribute what I choose to their loves because I want to but if I am not available (kids come first) then I know they can go and get their needs met else where.

I find it very freeing to know that if I don’t want to have sex for the next 6 months then my partners aren’t hanging around waiting for me to provide for them because they aren’t allowed to get that from anyone else.

I don’t organise their lives or buy their Christmas gifts for their families but I did arrange childcare and go running when my partner had to put his dog to sleep because I wanted to be there for them.

It works great for me and the posters calling it gross and saying I’m broken emotionally and doing it to please men can fuck off!

I have discussed my life choices with my therapist because people like you made me think the way I love is wrong and was perhaps a symptom of the childhood abuse I suffered.

Fortunately I worked out that there are plenty of poly people without that background.
Im not broken for loving the way I do and I am very careful not to get with people who are in it for what I perceive to be the wrong reasons.
Such as the poster above who feels not enough for her husband… you deserve better and I truly hope you realise that and sack him right off!

If you're not hand-waving them away then you shouldn't be framing polyamory as something that benefits men (and should therefore be judged or disparaged on... pseudo-feminist grounds?)

"At population level" is completely irrelevant to any given person's individual sexuality. MN loves to trot out cliches about men and women being biologically programmed to want this or that as if that justifies dismissing and judging anyone who falls outside the stereotypes. (Personally I think treating "biological programming" as so pre-eminently important is just the flipside of incel evo psychology, which is the most fucking tedious stupid thing on earth. Yes tell me more about how men should be allowed to shag around because they're "biologically programmed to spread their seed")

I think that's how the man fondly imagines it. Then they go online looking for hookups and he sees the woman being inundated with ten times more offers than him...😆

I've known it to work, but it's risky.

When it works there's good communication and honesty and both parties are genuinely OK with it. It will never work as, say, an ultimatum. I do get irked by this idea, which I hear quite often, that women are only ever just going along with it and can't possibly ever be OK with it and all secretely hate it, I think that's quite patronising to women.

I think this works best for a person who is basically single and has friends-with-benefits type relationships with others in the same boat.

I think it would probably be quite a healthy , carefree choice for young people - teens, early twenties.

I think once there is the baggage of marriage, children, expectation of a long-term “couple” relationship from anyone involved, then that means it isn’t really working.

But mono people just cheat anyway so there is never any guarantee

It’s definitely being promoted in popular culture. I quit reading the Psychology Today website because it felt like there was a piece about the benefits of polyamory or open relationships at least once a week.

The thing I find unnerving about people in non-monogamous relationships is that you never know if people in them are sizing you up as a potential sexual partner. Let’s say Andrew is married to Betty and Claire is married to Dennis. If there’s an understanding of monogamous relationships, and Dennis realizes he’s attracted to Betty, he knows he can’t act on it without risking anger from Andrew, Betty and/or Claire. If Claire and Dennis have an open relationship, the odds are high that he’ll go right ahead and ask Betty if she wants to sleep with him, and she’s not “allowed” to be outraged by the question because then she’s “judging other people” or “shaming other people for their sexuality.” Basically, there’s no assurance for women in monogamous relationships that everyone will recognize this as offensive behavior and be on their side if they complain. “Well, you know, Claire and Dennis have an open relationship, so…”

A friend of my husband’s (who I don’t dislike but never really warmed to) has open relationships, and once asked my husband if my husband wanted to watch this friend and the friend’s girlfriend have sex. (This was before we got married but after we’d been in a serious relationship for a number of years.) I found out when my husband told me and was like, “Fucking excuse me?”

There are women out there who purposefully instigate or seek out these relationships without male coercion. I have two poly friends. Both very happy in their respective relationships and are very good at understanding and articulating their boundaries whilst respecting those of their partners. Although it's not for me, there are definitely things that I admire and could learn from their approach to relationships.

William and Elizabeth Marston (the husband/wife creators of Wonder Woman) and Olive Byrne had a three-person relationship which lasted until William’s death, after which Elizabeth and Olive lived the rest of their lives together. Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre shared a number of long-term lovers, at different times, during their relationship.

That’s not an answer to my question, then.

Thanks for answering. 🙂

@ComtesseDeSpair

Fair enough. It obviously works for some people. If you can make it work while keeping everyone in the equation happy why not?

I still think in the majority of situations one person in the dynamic is less enthusiastic than the other.

It sounds as though your husband is emotionally abusive: nobody should be criticising you, and nobody who loves you would want your self esteem to be so low that you’d agree to something that you don’t want to be doing. Have you a good friend you can talk to about how you feel?

If you have to tolerate infidelity in order to hold onto a relationship it’s a resounding signal that you should leave.

For the record I am not talking about polyamory, I am talking about lowering your expectations.

Don’t drag yourself down to the level of someone who is deliberately trying to sabotage your self esteem. You would be far better off without him.

Very sad @RubyTuesday10 I expect your DH will have exactly the same problem or a different version in every relationship if he expects his wife to never age and look like a young female singer.

Why not leave? You post is so sad. 🩷

No but he clearly needs something that I can’t provide, maybe someone else could. I can see why women give in and accept it, it’s painful either way.

Absolutely no way. Both DP and I would hate to see the other at it with someone else! It's not remotely sexy for us, but each to their own..

Spot on and I can't think of anything worse degrading

OP, I don't think "it" is being "promoted" any more than heterosexual monogamy, which has the market cornered, btw. Different strokes for different folks.
As to your original question: Nope. Not for me. I agree, usually one sided.

I doubt any young female singers are dying to jump into bed with him.

I think I might have to end up doing this eventually. I don’t think I’m enough for my husband, he’s becoming increasingly obsessed with young female singers and more critical of me. As much as it would pain me, it would also give me the chance to maybe find someone who actually is attracted to me. At the moment my self esteem is rock bottom.

The thought of it exhausts me

I suspect that's why they are poly. Anyone I know raising a family is too busy and exhausted to even think about spicing up their sex lives let alone looking elsewhere.