To think that consensual non-monogamy is usually a recipe for disaster?

I have noticed in my online observations that in a lot of swinging relationships, the man seems to be the one deciding who touches whom...

In 25 years experience I have noticed that in the vast majority of swinging relationships it's the woman deciding who touches whom...

I think the talking and negotiation in a poly relationship.would drive me even more mad than the sex!
I read Lindy West's book and thought she was too narcissistic to even be in a relationship, let alone a poly one. That video is tragic.

STIs- this is taken seriously. Normally I would get a screen before having sex with a new partner. And I’d expect the same. This is an element of trust here- I’m assuming the person I’m sleeping with has done the same with their other partners.

What about STI's?

Depends on the relationships. If it's a closed group, only a bit more risk than a couple. Otherwise, barrier contraceptives and regular testing.

Probably less risk than one half of a couple going off and having an affair.

It's not for me.

And it's only just been mentioned upthread. What about STI's?

It would drive me mad too. I worked with someone who was poly and it sounded like all they did was talk with their respective partners about being poly and the boundaries of the polycule and X partner's role and Y partner blah blah blah. I felt drained just hearing about it.

I couldn't do it (I am antisocial and possessive) but I have a very dear friend who is polyamorous. She has (I think) three partners, all of whom have other relationships as well. It all sounds like a fucking nightmare to me, but she and her polycule seem to be blissfully happy. There is a LOT of talking and negotiation about boundaries and roles etc - that alone would drive me wild, but they seem to enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seems like a great way to spread around STDs and other illnesses. Or maybe polyamorists are very careful in practising safe sex.

I am in this sort of dynamic. However we do it as a solution to the bigger problem of a being in a marriage that I can’t leave. Or rather, I could, but I’m not prepared to upset my children’s lives and change their living arrangements simply because I want out. We tolerate each other as housemates and then both pursue external relationships. These extend beyond FWB. They are deeply involved and meaningful but limited by time and opportunity. I don’t really know what my husband thinks of this. We don’t discuss the detail. His main concern would be if anything I was doing impacted on him and the kids. Whilst I keep it separate it’s not an issue.

one thing that hasn’t been discussed on this thread is you don’t just fall in understanding how it all works. You have to carefully navigate boundaries and expectations. And you need to be emotionally resilient and not in any way jealous. It’s a lot. But wonderful when it works.

It was painful - just watched it.

Lindy was open about her low self esteem, feeling unlovable, how her partner met the OW at her lowest point, about her long slow journey to persuade herself that she could cope with him seeing another woman. It was agonising to watch. And it was also clear from watching the three of them where his real affections and love lay, and it wasn't with Lindy.

There may be genuine equal and loving poly relationships, but this sure as hell was not one of them.

Wow. This is cold. Finances and legal reasons did not prompt our marriage. It was based on connection, trust and love.

I actually love my husband and he loves me, and we’ve been married a long time with kids. Sex life still good. We’ve been through many difficult life circumstances. We are happy, secure and support each other. Is this not what marriage or having a long term partner is about for many people?

That video was painful. Lindy was so upset and trying to put a positive spin on being cheated on. He was constantly touching the other women and Lindy was clearly trying to get him to hold her hand

I noticed it was both the women who seemed to be more insecure in that situation. Lindy with the background of feeling she'd be left for a younger and thinner woman. Roya being conscious of being the newcomer, and the person in the relationship who was existing outside the protections of a legal marriage. She didn't mention Lindy being the one with the resources, but that was obviously there in the background.

The very cynical part of me thinks that he (and the new side piece) only keep Lindy in the throuple because Lindy is the most successful.

This was my impression. I hadn't personally heard of her but she clearly has a level of success and visibility.

It's nearly always the man who suggests it.

Then, by far, the woman gets more attention and opportunities.

The man gets bitter. Usually starts looking for ways to boost his ego, tear down the woman or just generally sabotage the arrangement.

Woman will either suggest being monogamous again in order to have a peaceful life or she realises she has other options.

The latter is what I have seen happen time and time again.

Average dude sits at home, thinks wife is boring and comes up with a way he can "have all the sex with all the hot women"...

Then a period of time passes and said dude is typically alone, lamenting the fact that all women are cheats/liars/sluts/time wasters, because no one actually wants him and his wife ended up leaving.

I have observed this happen more times than I can count.
The kink community has a lot of poly and ENM couples. I find it fascinating to observe the formula from the sidelines haha

I also very much agree with this. Humans are complex- sometimes the things you think you want end up being a nightmare because emotions come up you weren't prepared for. It's one thing to say you'd be fine with it in theory but in practice it's a completely different matter. I

also wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone who was able to compartmentalise their feelings so clinically. It says something about them that I am not comfortable with, personally.

Yes this. My feelings are hard enough to manage already, there's no way I could handle this additional challenge 🤣

A lot of mainstream seems to focus on swinging or 3 in a bed situations. Whilst swinging is extremely common - more so than I think even the media believes - throuples are polyamory on hard mode.
I am polyamorous. I have never had a threesome and never would. I'd also never be in a triad. For me, a relationship is still two people, I just don't limit myself, or anyone I am seeing, to only being allowed that with 1 person. I am married, we do have kids and we have been together (and open) for 18 years. My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Poly or monogamous, as long as the relationship works for the people involved and isn't coerced, it doesn't matter. I couldn't fathom not allowing a relationship to develop naturally between two people. Just as lot of people I know couldn't fathom having more than one relationship at a time. Both are fine.

I agree. She was crying about how past partners had always upgraded to prettier, more conventionally attractive women and her husband has done exactly the same thing. He just hasn't left her on the condition that she doesn't question it.

The very cynical part of me thinks that he (and the new side piece) only keep Lindy in the throuple because Lindy is the most successful.

I watched the linked video with an open mind, but felt that despite it being apparently pro polyamoury, it painted a bleak picture, mainly with regard to the wife. She was clearly accepting a lot of stuff because she felt she deserved no better, and it had all been framed in these progressive terms that are clearly the way of thinking in those particular cicles, but ultimately it was a woman with a husband who had never been faithful to her and was now in love with a slim, more conventionally attractive woman.
Absolute painfest.
.

The only real life experience of non monogamy in a relationship was when a female friend asked if I'd 'fuck her boyfriend'. Apparently she had a deal with HIM, he could fuck me if she got to fuck his brother 😖
I declined. And let the friendship go.
Having said that I don't necessarily believe monogamy works for everyone. Especially if no children are involved.
I have had FWB over relationships and that works for me.

To add. Because I wouldn’t want a poly relationship doesn’t mean though that it wouldn’t work for someone else. It may be well do, and good for them

I honestly have no idea. I don’t know anyone in a poly relationship, and I don’t want to try it myself: I’d personally find it too much of a pain in the arse, I don’t want to share my husband, and if I’m honest, im not actually attracted to many men apart from my husband and a few celebs