DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

Agree. For me the seed of doubt he planted would be enough to change how I felt about him. I would always question whether the fact he didn’t tell me at the start was because he was either hoping or planning for something to happen.

This type of issue always raises problems around trust and boundaries, it’s the secretive nature of such things that raises alarms, messaging an ex after twenty years may or may not be an issue, people get curious, asking him outright can be difficult, having been in a very similar situation all that happened was denial on DPs part that any contact was made, though admittedly didn’t mention that I’d seen the messages, couched it as why is this person who has no obvious connection to me but seems to, in this case, have been at college with you, appeared as someone I might know on Facebook, the denial just makes things worse as it then feels more of a betrayal, personally never resolved it and now have a relationship that, while still ongoing, makes me wonder what DP is doing everytime they on the phone, you really need to bring it into the open for your own peace of mind or you’ll. never trust him again

Do you know his iPad password or did you manage to have a look before it locked itself? If you know it, I would be tempted to keep quiet about what you have seen. If you tell him he could change passwords, gaslight you, become more sneaky and continue whatever this is with no way of you knowing anything.

I'd ask some casual questions about the meet up, who is going to be there etc then just wait and watch, before and after the event.

Maybe he will mention her when you ask and you can probe a bit more but if he is at a point where he has decided its worth the risk and wants to throw away your marriage then I am not sure you'd be able to stop him (or if you even should bother trying to).

I think for me as well even if DH stopped chatting to her because I found out I’d not be able to trust him again like I did before, even though nothing physical has happened, I would always wonder if it would of in October

I would think the fact that it’s been going on in secret for months is reason enough. Three choices. Number one, reconnect with her and be upfront with the OP that he’s in contact again, and recognise that he may have to end it, if OP is unhappy about it. Number two, shut it down immediately on finding out this woman is now divorced and available because you recognise there’s a risk.
And number three. Reconnect, chat every day and make plans without saying word to your wife. The fact that he chose number three speaks volumes about his intentions.

The facts - Your DH has been messaging an ex multiple times a day, has not told you. Making plans with a woman he hasn’t seen in ages, has not told you.

What you don’t know if it’s harmless or not. Given the fact DH hasn’t told you I’d be concerned. Tbh, if my DH was chatting to a woman for months and multiple times a day and didn’t even tell me about it - I’d assume there’s a reason it was hidden. = an affair in October when they meet.

This.

If he omits to tell you about her, he is hiding something.

If he is open, I wouldn't be especially concerned, but I would observe.

Can you be there at the meet up? Just assume that you are invited. If he says no that you’ve not invited say that you are inviting yourself and will be there.

I agree with others that you need to ask him and ask if he mentions her.

What lead to to snoop originally, has his behaviour changed at all?

Has he been trying to improve his appearance the last couple of months? Lose weight, get in shape, new clothes, wants to smell good etc?

It's the secrecy that would bother me and messaging up to several times a day. It's verging on an EA. I would def say to him and reiterate how much he would lose if it continues. I would also be devastated if my OH did this, I'm so sorry, I hope he understands where you're coming from and puts your feelings first. All the best OP x

Is he messaging her privately or part of this wider uni chat ?

There's nothing necessarily wrong if they've sent the odd message to eachother. But I would absolutely not be bothered about an ex in a uni chat. I'm in a wider chat that some ex boyfriends are in. I wouldn't refuse to be in a group chat because of this. It would seem a bit pathetic after 20 years.

But I do need this to stop!

If he's having an affair or contemplating one, there's not much you can do to stop him being unfaithful.

Even if he doesn't go on the trip or promises not to cheat on you, you won't be able to stop him if he changes his mind (which is likely if he was already planning an affair).

The only part you can control is how you react to it and where you go from here.

Obviously, it would be better if he didn't have an affair, but if you think that's what's happening, it might be worth asking yourself if it would be easier to (1) tell him you've caught him out then struggle to trust him to be more truthful in future or (2) let him go on the trip and show you what he genuinely thinks of your marriage when he thinks he won't get found out.

If he is cheating, then he has effectively already thrown away your marriage, and if he hasn't done anything wrong, then going on the trip won't do any harm. I would probably not say anything, let him go on the trip and see what happens, as either way, the damage is either already done or isn't going to be done.

If you say something now and he was going to cheat but promises not to, I think there's a danger you could end up prolonging an inevitable affair (with the ex or someone else in future) and end up wasting further years in a shaky marriage where the trust has gone, whereas if you let things play out, at least you'll know where you really stand with him.

I'm probably what MN calls a 'cool' wife. My best friend is male and DH has equal male and female friends. This is different and would certainly give me cause for concern. The fact he hasn't mentioned her and is messaging he several times a day and arranging an overnight meeting isn't normal. I can't imagine he'd be happy if the roles were reversed.

I would just ask him who's going and see if he mentions her, if he doesn't then go from there, I would have felt the same as you too reading that.

I'm torn on this one.

I had a group of friends (mixed) at uni (around five people), and I had a relationship with one. I keep in infrequent touch with all of them, including the ex. If the topic of meeting up came up, I wouldn't hesitate, even with the ex, because it's soooo long ago. They've since married and had kids. There wouldn't even be the slightest thought of rekindling anything, even with daily chats.

If you saw the messages and they were casual, no hint at any flame to be rekindled, I'd let it go.

i was in love with someone at uni and didn’t get over him for years. Am over him now obvs and happily married. If there was a reunion involved and he started DMing me having recently been divorced, I’d be quite taken aback and I’d be shutting it down immediately and maybe even considering not going - as I’d know what his intentions were however ‘innocent’ it looked on paper. Your DH should be closing this down not encouraging it. His responses to her are rightfully a cause for concern.

Snooping to find daily messages for months to an ex - yes.

The odd private message catching up, yeah. Daily messages for 3 months, no. Snooping, no.

This is the reason and this the moment he’s given her pause and cause for concern.

maybe he’s messaging his male friends in exactly the same manor but I suspect not.

If he has been messaging her privately as opposed to a group chat and not told you, that is a problem.

I think you need to fess up to the snooping and get that conversation out of the way, and keep it separate from the conversation about the ex.

“I didn’t tell you as knew you’d be upset” = “I didn’t tell you as I knew I was doing something so wrong it would upset you”

ps decent people in good marriages also don’t ’forget to mention’ they’ve been texting an old flame several times a day for months.

🙄🙄🙄🙄 erm. The clue is in the title.