DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

He's probably kidding himself that it's all innocent and platonic, but the fact he's hiding it from you is not good.

I chatted to an old flame after my divorce. Started innocent enough, and then he clearly started to suggest more.

Now, I don't need the grief so I said no and blocked him, but I bet his wife hadn't got a bloody clue he'd been chatting to me.

I'd ask outright, who's going, and you'd love to meet them and come along.

Either you are being disingenuous, you are ignorant of human nature or you didn't read the original post where the answer to your question is pretty clear.

it's not uncommon for people who thought they were in a loving and honest relationship to discover they are wrong. If you don't realise that you need to hang around on Mumsnet a bit longer for some life lessons.

I hope OP's concerns are unfounded, but I don't think she is unreasonable to be worried.

Brilliant advice

What happened? Were you both married - or just one of you?

did it end your current relationships? And did you stay together or did things fizzle out?

no judgement. Just wondering whether nostalgia was a factor or it was genuine

You may find yourself having to be honest about seeing the messages otherwise you’ll look extremely insecure about him simply going away with his friends for one night, which anyone should be able to do without repercussions.

I’d be careful because you can’t ban him from going. You could give an ultimatum of course. He obviously wants to see his friends and he might become resentful. It’s a difficult one because on one hand you expect him to respect your wishes to keep you comfortable but on the other you don’t want to come across as controlling and jealous, which only serves to push people further away.

And if someone is going to cheat they’ll do it no matter what you say or do. Keeping someone with you under controlling means is not a decent relationship either. If someone isn’t trustworthy, they’re not worth holding onto or your whole life will be like this until they finally up and leave anyway.

I’d let him go - but I would prefer honesty about the messages.

I do understand that you're anxious, and you have every right to be (I would be too) but I don't think you can 'stop it' as that does stray into the realms of controlling behavior - I'd make it clear you're not happy but I don't think you can stop it as such if he wants to go.

However his behavior/reaction/actions when you express you would prefer if he didn't go will be very telling of the situation. If it bothered my partner that much I wouldn't do it, within reason. If he defends it and gaslights, you may have a bigger issue here.

I believe this situation is quite normal: connecting with your old school friends, bumping into your ex in the chat room, connect with her and update on each others lives and what you’re “up to”, I’ve been there done that and seen in with plenty of school buddies. This said… the excitement and “updating on each others lives part” shouldn’t take more than a couple weeks. 3 months messaging each other is a bit too long of an “update”, it means they have “unfinished business” (at least on your husbands part as he’s the one who got dumped), maybe they’re both seeking some closure now they’re grown up and can talk about it (nothing wrong with that). I would not panic by any means, I or interrogate him “police style” but would casually ask about it every now and then. See how this progresses and keep a watchful eye on it. If he’s happy and you guys have a solid relationship I wouldn’t bother too much about it. Let him enjoy his school reunion. Like some poster above said: stay cool and play one step ahead him.

Putting my head above the parapet. I reconnected with my old boyfriend in similar circumstances, and we had an affair. It definitely happens. It wasn't about reigniting any sense of being young or carefree though, it was because he genuinely was the love of my life, and vice versa. We had just been too young when we met and both regretted it bitterly when we split (which had been an amicable split). The affair started after a good 3-4 months of daily messaging.

I'm not excusing it as there is no excuse but just saying that obviously it does happen but for a variety of reasons, and yes, in your situation, knowing what I know, I would be concerned and I think you need to raise it with him. At the end of the day you snooped which is wrong, but he's not exactly been open and honest so he's in the wrong too.

Are the messages flirty or crossing a line?

@snoopywife honestly having been there (not exactly but re messages being hidden) this the exact time you need to play it very very cool and stay classy. That was the best advice I was given. I went off at the deep end initially too and all that happened was I got called crazy that it was all in my head etc. don’t tell him you’ve seen any messages AT ALL. They are your insurance policy for if he starts to deny stuff. Don’t tell him. Play it cool.
you need to be one step ahead here and consider the possible realities or scenarios that could play out - the worst being he digs his heels in, says he’s going anyway, tells you you have trust issues (not him having boundary issues…) and he goes and you’re totally powerless, gaslit, left doubting yourself and feeling worse than you do now.
you need to open up a convo about who is going and her and how much contact he’s had with her? And see what he says. Don’t let on about the messages. He’ll just start deleting them or using a different platform.
stay cool.

What did the messages between them say? Did he mention you and his family? Only you know how strong your marriage is, whether he has been acting strange/distant/bored recently and what the tone of the messages is.

I agree that him hiding the fact they've been messaging isn't a great sign. They haven't seen each other for 20 years so presumably if he'd been open you would have talked about it and trusted him. I would find it weird someone would want to reconnect with an ex that broke their heart but perhaps after so long it is water under the bridge

Has he been messaging several old friends in this manner, or just her?

I’ve been the ex - gf in this scenario.

am occasionally in touch with uni bf, who is married. Once or twice a year we meet up for drinks as we live very close.

I can say hand on heart, I’m not interested in a relationship- or even a flirtation. I regard him as a friend and so much time has passed since we date (25 years!) it seems like ancient history.

i can honestly say that he isn’t interested in rekindling anything either.

we met up before, during and after my divorce.

however, his wife is fully aware. We’ve spent play dates with them as a couple -and gone for pub lunch

so it might be innocent, but the secrecy is not a great sign that he isn’t even straying into nostalgia/ emotional affair territory

I would just be straight. Tell him you have seen the messages and you want an explanation. Checking messages might be a bit underhand but it’s nowhere near as underhand as secretly messaging your ex girlfriend daily for 3 months!

Men contact ex girlfriends for a reason. They have already shagged them and so they know they have a good chance of shagging them again if they turn on the charm!

When he comes home later ask who’s going. If ex isnt mentioned then he’s a twat.

if he mentions ex, ask him if it’ll be weird to catch up as he hasn’t spoken to her in years. See what he says

Don't let on you've seen the messages. Do ask who is going...don't let him deflect, broken record it on repeat.

Have you been on MN before?!!
Exactly the scenario many here find themselves in!
Don't be complacent!

Dh sounds at the 'dodgy age', married 20 years, older teen dc, probably wants an ego boost from someone who remembers his younger self. She doesn't know about his daily habits and dirty socks under the bed.
I'd be on red alert with this one.

An ex of mine reached out to me through a mutual acquaintance so she relayed the message to me. The first person I talked to this about was Dh, he is my best mate and favourite person in the whole world. We thought it over for several days before I emailed ex, Dh knew what I had written and then the ex wrote back and I read out what he wrote.

The positives are both he and I were able to get closure on several things from our time together. We have shared some photos from that time as there are very few of us together from over 30 years ago. Dh knows what I write and what ex writes. We have talked about the past, our relationship and how we can look back with adult eyes on a teenage romance. We have since all met up because we were in that part of the country but firstly, Dh was with me and secondly Dh and I talked about the whole thing, the contact, the meeting up etc. He just wanted to put a face to the name really so was happy to suggest it.

Dh trusts me completely but doesn't trust anyone else, after all I am amazing to him so why wouldn't anyone else see that? At no stage have I hidden the communication between us. That is the biggest thing. It would be the secrecy that would hurt the most especially considering this is moving on from texting to meeting in real life and he has hidden that from you.

I would ask who is going to the meet up and see what he says.