DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

Nah, just naw!!

I think the combination of an old flame and a night away from home is pretty much a marriage killer. I'd find a way to call him out on it.

Where is the evidence in any of OP’s posts that she’s insecure ? She said she’s never suspected anything before. Messaging high school buddies is one thing, but deliberately not mentioning months of texting an old flame is a big red flag. But hey. Let’s stretch to OP being ‘controlling’ instead of looking at the facts actually in evidence.

It was a long time ago. He’s messaging multiple old friends about meeting up and he hasn’t said anything inappropriate. The fact that one of them is someone he dated two decades ago is genuinely not something I think is a big deal and I wouldn’t consider that ‘doing it in secret’.

I’ve never been called naive in my life, and no, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Delusional. He messages his old flame for months without telling the OP. Makes arrangements to meet up with her too. And you think he didn’t tell her because he didn’t want to freak her out ? He didn’t tell her because this woman is now divorced, footloose and fancy free, and he’s either hoping or actually planning for something to happen.

People become concerned and “insecure”, when something happens out of the ordinary or when a person behaves out of character.

When something is not following our normal pattern, alarm bells go off. Op’s husband is behaving differently to usual. This could be either innocent or not in nature, but the fact it is different justifies op’s desire to investigate.

Only a fool would ignore warning bells.

I get really annoyed when I see posters labelling people as ‘deeply insecure’ because they dare to be concerned about behaviour that’s worrying them. Oh to be perfectly secure and completely 100 percent certain that your partner is an angel in human form….wouldn’t that be grand.

I think I'd feel better about it if I'd been mentioned in the messages. Has he talked about you to her? Told her he is happily married? She told him she was divorced so you must have been a topic of conversation too

I do think you're fixating on the wrong issue here. Surely it wouldn't matter if she was naked, and threw herself at your husband, if you trusted him. Maybe it's more about that? If you 'tell' him not to go, that's probably not dealing with the underlying concern.
What if he decided to go away with male pals, and had a same-sex experience with one of them? What if they met women in a bar/paid for sex workers? All of these situations have happened to people I know, so not so far fetched! But, maybe it's more about getting to the bottom of the trust issues - and if there's underlying concerns within your marriage.
I hope it works out for you.

Are you the husband? stop gas lighting the op. op has said nothing that suggests she is insecure or controlling. She doesn't trust her DH because he has given her reason not to. It is not normal to message another woman maltaple times a day in secret. if it was innocent, he wouldn't need to hide it from her.

This is not the case were a woman you were dating decades ago reached to him and they decide to meet in secret , this is a bloody high school reunion FFS, it’s normal that if she’s part of a wassap group they will get in touch. It’s normal that once a meeting gets organised they will see each other. I’ve been to a couple of high school reunions and we all decided not to bring our partners because it would be torture for them as they didn’t know anyone. I feel a bit sorry for this guy who feels the need to hide his messaging because he knows it will freak out his very insecure wife. Very Probably if she was not so insecure and controlling he would have told her but he’s clearly afraid of being denied a good time with his school buddies. 🙄

I think you need to come clean and tell him you’ve seen the messages OP. He’ll use the fact that you snooped to deflect blame onto you, but you need to stay strong and set some boundaries. The fact that he didn’t tell you he was messaging her is a giant red flag and you have to wonder whether he was going hoping or planning for something to happen. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Would you be happy if your partner was messaging an old flame knowing that he was so upset about the break up (which she instigated, not him) ? Would you be happy that it was being done in secret and that they were arranging to meet up. And would you be happy about any of it, knowing that ex is now divorced and fancy free ? If so, then I think you’re being naive.

She’s his ex. She dumped him. Reconnecting with her and being open and honest about it with OP is one thing, but he’s not. He’s doing it in secret, and now making plans to meet up. In what world is this unfair to him ?

Of course he’s not going to tell her he’s been texting her (amongst other people) because he knows she’s very insecure and it would really freak her out (this thread is living proof), fact is OP is so insecure she went into his phone just because he had reconnected with his school buddies and “needed to know what was going on “ (who does that?). I can’t believe she’s going to forbid this guy to go to his high school reunion because the GF will be there, I really feel sorry for him, she sounds incredibly controlling, I couldn’t be with such a man who snoops on my phone and forbids me to go to my high school reunion.

Tell him you’re really looking fwd to meeting up with all his old friends.

I may have missed this but, are they chatting as part of a group chat with all the other attendees? Or just her privately? If the latter, do you know how frequently he has been messaging the others? The same? Less?

Just because she is female? They were in a relationship together for 4 years, so hardly was platonic!

It sounds to me like he is daydreaming of his younger years here with the one that got away. Dangerous territory really, so the OP has right to be concerned.

She isn't just a random female, she's his ex. And he's been keeping her and the messaging secret.

Having said that, I'm not sure I'd stop him going. If he wants to cheat he's going to find a way and you are perhaps delaying the inevitable. I would speak to him frankly about how you feel. Tell him to go if he really needs to but you feel deeply uncomfortable about the secrecy. Would he be ok with it if the roles were reversed? I doubt it.

I agree too with Givingittogod's advice. You absolutely have to knock this on the head now. Even if nothing untoward happens it isn't good for your marriage. In any way. Even if he offers the information willingly when asked, I still think you have to knock it on the head, although others I'm sure will disagree.

He's messaging multiple people about an event that they are all attending. But you are fixated on one, just because she's female. There's no indication that he's saying anything to her that he isn't saying to the men he is messaging as well. Or that there's anything wrong in your marriage. So I think you're being unfair on him.

Honestly, I would just tell him that you snooped and that you are worried. See what his reaction is. If he loves you then he will reassure you.

If he’s messaging multiple people (male, as you say, so not a bunch of women) and reminiscing/looking forward to catching up, and hasn’t actually said anything inappropriate to this woman, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.