DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

He doesn’t want you to go because he plans to spend the night flirting or even more with his ex, it really is that simple. There’s no use making excuses for him so now you need to decide what you want to do with that.
There’s too many men out there who seem unable to fully move on from their first love or even any ex.

I don't think you're overreacting. Unless I've missed something he's not fessed up to the fact he's messaging his ex daily. I think the snooping is entirely justified if he can't give you the respect to be honest with you. No one knows how deep that dishonesty is going to run other than him but as a result I think it's entirely reasonable for you to insist you go too. Particularly if other people are bringing their partners.

Really struggle with this one, checking his messages and lack of trust seems to indicate bigger issues? He appears to be rather defensive, but wonder if that is partly because the OP has gone slightly over the top?

I think there is a difference between not mentioning something fairly trivial and activity keeping secrets. Been married 20 years and wouldn't care if partner messaged/caught up with ex and failed to mention it, my initial reaction wouldn't be that they were having an affair.

Over the years I've found and messaged old friends on Facebook, both male and female, caught up and reminisced about the good old days, discussed their lives, familes and what they have been up to, and probably not mentioned to anyone as didn't feel it was that important, as has no bearing on my current life.

I do find it odd that other partners (who don't know anyone) are going but if they are then why can't you? You can't make him take you and you can't stop him from cheating, if that's what's the end scenario here - but you can speak with him frankly. Ask him if he has feelings for her.

Jesus fucking Christ, his response couldn’t have been shadier if he tried. His refusal for you to come, despite other partners coming, is awful.

I agree with this.

I suspect that he has built up a bit of a fantasy in his head ( maybe she has too) built around nostalgia and what ifs.

theres nothing like a cold, hard dose of reality to sort things out. It’s possible that he goes and realises she’s another middle aged mum. In his head she will still be late teens.

one option would be to let reality bite by letting him go.

also very possible she gets the ick when she sees
him. How is he bearing up physically? Does he still look after himself?

Please insist on going, then go out and buy an amazing dress for the occasion. Talk excitedly about the event and say how much you're looking forward to meeting his friends. He may decide then not to go, and I think that speaks volumes. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and the outcome.

Yep, I think he's wanting enough rope to hang himself.

If other partners are there and you know them (or of them), people are right in saying he didn't tell you as he's both excluding you and knows you'll be uncomfortable.

As pp says if he's going to play away, there's not a lot you can do as he'll find a way and it's best to know he's not trustworthy sooner than later. I'd take a watching brief and plan accordingly.

i didn’t tell you as I didn’t want you to be upset = I didn’t tell you as I knew I was doing something that would upset you.

if I was you now I wouldn’t push this. You’ve got your answer. Just let him go and fuck up his life. You can’t stop him fucking up his life. Shut yourself down. Go silent on him. Give him the space he needs to realise that this is hurting you and he’s not being good doing this. He needs to come to this realisation on his own - the more you push it the more he’ll feel ‘you’re unreasonable’ and his actions are fine.
been there….

It's quite simple;he doesn't want you to go even though you could because he wants to spend the evening being his lonely single exes plus one.

He can pretend he's in his early twenties again,flirt,get his ego stroked and if he's really lucky get something else stroked too.

Rest assure if he goes alone all his friends and their partners will quickly cotton on to the fact he's behaving like a loser having a mid life crisis and think he's pathetic.

The ex will probably just use him as a chaperone for the evening so she's not alone and likely won't be planning on letting him her hotel room door.

After the meet up she'd probably ghost him.

It doesn't make it his behaviour okay though.

Hi OP, you haven’t said much about the content of messages between them, do you feel it’s flirtatious or yearning in any way or just like the messages between your DH and other friends - catching up on life events etc.?

Also, some partners are going, some aren’t - why is this? can you ask if her partner/husband is going (acting dumb about her single status) and see what he says?

I am not remotely jealous but I would be concerned about this encounter leading to actions that couldn’t be undone. I do understand one or both may be experiencing that nostalgic excitement that comes with thinking of youthful love lost and what might have been. But she has nothing to lose if things move from thought to reality, he does. It could be they could meet up in the group and he’d think “phew, narrow escape” but who knows.

It would be better if he chose to either not go or asked you to come along instead of you having to insist on one of these options. You know him best, so can judge what you feel is right to allow you to feel comfortable - but you are definitely not unreasonable to be angry and upset in this situation.

There is no reason for it to be awkward if you are there, especially when other partners are going too. I believe your husband (if he goes alone) has every intention of cheating. And the daily messages are concerning too. She may be divorced and free to do whatever but your husband is not - he should show you and his family some respect.

Didn't want to hear this update, so sorry OP. Maybe keep an eye on the messages but if he's going to cheat, there is very little you can do. I really hope nothing happens between them. All the best x

Are the other partners also old uni friends? If everyone knows each other from university it's fair enough to say it might be awkward. Has he done all the messaging in a group chat or 1-1 with his ex? This would make a big difference to me. However he's deliberately misled you - he's probably convinced himself it's for the right reasons but I would not be happy.

I think it's quite reasonable to say that you won't find it awkward and will enjoy meeting them. If he still doesnt want you to go then for me this would be a deal breaker.

Hmm yeah that is a bit concerning. He didn’t tell you about her immediately when you asked, he also said specifically that no one else is taking their partners.
Then it turns out there are people taking their other halves, but he didn’t tell you about any of these things because he apparently knew you’d worry and knew you’d want to join him at the event…
Firstly, if he is so concerned about you worrying, why isn’t he doing everything he can to help you get past that, being open, honest, reassuring - maybe even inviting you along.
And secondly, why so secretive? Why can’t you go too? Why wasn’t he upfront about the ex going?

It’s the secrecy that seems to be the biggest red flag here imo. I think if he is deciding to still go anyway, without you, despite your worries, then you have some serious thinking to do about whether this is something you’re willing to accept. He’s your husband and therefore your wishes and worries should be a factor in his decision making, and if that isn’t the case, he’s being a bit of a selfish twat.

Sorry OP, I hope you can find a resolution to this. 💗

“Honestly, it won’t be awkward for me - I’d love to meet them.”

If he pushes back on that you’ll know for sure.

If other people are taking their partners, why would it be weird for you to go? He should want to take you!!

I recently went 4 hours away with DH to meet his friends. I knew nobody but it was great fun!

What would make him think your reaction would be to be worried about the fact she is going to be there?

That's really concerning... he's definitely hiding something and putting barriers up that shouldn't be there in an open honest relationship... have you confronted him on their months worth of daily messages? The fact he wasn't upfront and honest when you gave him an opportunity to be, is a huge red flag! He has very sly intentions by the looks of it... I do hope you can resolve this. It doesn't seem like a good position to be in at all x

It's not that different. People can talk to their exes without it being anything more than that. Exes are exes for a reason.

then you either trust him or you dont ? otherwise its debatable that some on mumsnet who are more knowledgeable than me would consider this controlling behaviour if there are no other red flags ?

Perfect recipe for disaster !!

I wouldn't want to go on a reunion with my husband for his old uni friends - its got nothing to do with me. But I would be asking him who is going and if he doesn't mention this woman then I think you have to tell him you've seen the messages and you don't think its appropriate/acceptable.