About my ex using my house as a base for DS

OP isn’t making him apologise. She said he does this himself, so perhaps he has some understanding of the situation his dad has created. And I don’t think the OP is following through on removing the key because she acknowledges that DS will be the one to suffer.

The answer for all of those circumstances is: he goes to his dad's

This. At the age of 14 he’ll be starting to have some understanding of the situation and realise how unfair his dad is being - both in his shit attitude towards time spent with his son, and leaving the OP to pick up the slack.

So literally locking your son out of the house. What if he needs a PE kit or the school finishes early as its a snow day or you know he just wants to go to his house?

I get the 50/50 contact thing but surely as a teen he should be able to come and go as he pleases like he would in a co-parenting household.

It seems really mean to deny him access to his house out with a rigid timetable and make his apologise every time it is slightly off schedule .

I’ve seen this used literally dozens of times on MN to make the point that the child is the responsibility of both parents, not just one. His dad is abdicating his responsibility and clearly sees his son as an inconvenience and the OP is getting shit for it. OK then.

But rejected the idea because he won’t be able to access his own home.

Missing the point. If ex’s working patterns have changed since the 50/50 agreement then he needs to address this with OP and come to an alternative solution, not simply leave her to pick up the slack because he can’t be arsed to sort out his end of the agreement. So the very first thing she should be doing is telling him that since it’s no longer 50/50 he can either step up and make sure the balance is restored, or he can pay maintenance for the difference . And OP has already said numerous times that for various reasons she doesn’t want to introduce the BF to her son yet. That’s entirely her decision.

I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

one that you have thought about taking from him so he cannot access his own home

Your poor son..."have to turn up heating ,get food ready..it all adds-up"...ffs

Wow....you sound like a real treat! "his son"

With compassion OP you are making this very much about you ( you had a panic attack, you haven't planned for unexpected dinners, you have to get BF to leave etc). But it isn't just affecting you. I get this is hugely frustrating for you but as PPs have said it's your son's home. Teenage boys should be allowed to come and go and eat all your food. That is normal. You say if your DS lived with you full time you'd give up the BF. Well the current arrangement isn't BF compatible according to you, so maybe that's the rather drastic answer. Whether you to want to accept it or not your DS is clearly picking up that you don't want him arriving unannounced - hence the apologising. Your Ex is clearly a prick but you've said no to all the excellent suggestions about CMS. In reality you have 4 more years of school to get through and then your DS will be in your house less and less. Maybe the solution for you is to try and find a way to accept your Ex is never going to change. Good luck - it sounds very intense at the moment

Whilst I understand your frustration most 14 year olds make their own way to school and leave home at a convenient time for the bus locking up behind them Like wise they come home let themselves in have a snack and wait for a parent As your son cannot do that from his father's house it does make sense for him to be dropped and picked up from yours . Yes it must be frustrating but I wouldn't expect a parent to have to change their working hours for a 14 year old.

I never let on that this is an inconvenience to me. He knows himself that when he's being dropped early and waking me up in my day off work for example, that this isn't right and this is why he is apologetic.

WTF! Your own kids an inconvenience to you because he’s coming into his own home. You sound pleasant…..

I do automatically (perhaps unfairly) make a judgement on Mums who push for 50:50 - most loving caring mothers would want their children with them as much as possible instinctively, not insist they aren’t around 50% of the time so they can crack on with their new boyfriend.

But if she was away from home overnight, it would be a sensible security measure to remove her key from the key safe, so she would've done.

And without that key, the child wouldn't be able to access.

What is in your power to control op? I can think of two things- one very much in your control. You can message and say this contact isn’t 50/50 and my house is not a base for your contact when you choose to collect him. If he comes back here after school he will stay the night from now on, and if it’s a pattern then I will claim cms for the actual contact we are having. I love having him, and you often don’t bother to collect him till later anyway, so this seems better for him.

You could try that and see how this goes?

you could also consider saying you are away the next time he says he will be dropped in the morning, but I wouldn’t do that if he will probably drop your ds anyway, so I’m not sure that’s within your control.

But surely if she wasn't in, it is still ok for her 14 year to come to his house to wait.

He doesn't need supervision so why not? If she is not up front about the bf, what is the reason for keeping the kid from his house?

I don't think there's anything you can say to get him to understand if he's that type of person. I spent nearly a decade picking my words and trying to find a way to tell him things that would make him understand and all it got me was a lot of grief and pain and being blamed for everything.

What does your DS want, he's 14 does he want 50/50? If he'd rather be at yours more and has had issues with his step mum and dad treats him like an inconvenience maybe the way to help him feel more secure is seeing his dad less and at times when his dad actually has time for him.

@MyHouseIsABusStop do you have a job where it'd be believable that you had to be away for work (a course, or conference, or customer visit, or...)

If so, then next time you get the text to say he'll be being dropped off in the morning, reply to say you're away overnight for work so you're not there, then head to your BF's and take the key out the key safe.

If he says he's dropping your DS anyway, then reply saying you're leaving your work thing (and head back home from your BF's)... Then later that day or the next day use that as the reason for giving your ex an ultimatum - either revisit the arrangement so it reflects what he can actually do, or actually follow through on the current arrangement!

Don’t you know yet that women are always to blame and the man is never at fault?

I interpreted the “my house” as a push back against the ex. Who is being free and easy with her house, even though they don’t live together a haven’t for some time. Rather than her son

But the way to make him never feel like that again is for the ex to change his way, which is impossible yes. Their home doesn't exist in a vacuum and you can do all the right things and your kid still struggles because you can't stop their own father from making them feel lesser and an inconvenience and you're trying to reassure them, but not too much, because too much reassurance makes anxiety worse, not better.

Did you read the OP? It’s not about seeing her son,

it is about

son being left unattended during the holidays and after school

ops personal arrangements being disregarded or ignored

arrangements are made by the poor son being made to text which he is clearly uncomfortable with

and so on.