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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he shouldn’t be flirting with other women when I’m pregnant

56 replies

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 05:50

so I’ve been in a casual ish relationship. We agreed to keep it exclusive but as we both lead very different lives we said let’s just spend time together. We’ve been doing this for 7 months, getting along fine. Small bumps along the way about expectations.

Anyway I recently found out I was pregnant, through contraception failure. And I really do not know what to do. He has been excellent, supportive and understanding.

We agreed to have a long chat to see how we were both really feeling and what life might look like if I kept it. I didn’t decide then however I am leaning towards an abortion. The following night, he’s texting me to say how sad he is. I mean literal hours of him being drunk, saying he’s sad but he can’t change my mind, he said he’s crying whilst he’s out.

I sent him some supportive messages but I was kind of annoyed because it’s not exactly an easy decision for me. The next morning I sent him a message just saying I hope he’s okay, I’m sending lots of love and for him to just let me know he’s home safe. I heard nothing all day so I thought he could be mad.

I went on social media, nope he was out with women later that night. I also could see he posted several flirty comments on a woman’s profile. AIBU to think it’s disrespectful to ignore me when we’re talking about something so serious. I was feeling so guilty and worried about him but instead he’s actually fine and has been entertaining other women

OP posts:
Catza · 11/09/2024 08:37

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

Don’t underestimate the extent to which pregnancy can mess with your rational self. I hate blaming hormones on anything but it is true what they say. Hormones are a bitch when you are pregnant. Naturally, you are in a vulnerable position and want to be protected and cared for. It’ll all get better quite soon after the “procedure” and you will feel like yourself again.

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

OP posts:
Catza · 11/09/2024 08:04

You can’t really say what he can and can’t do. It’s a casual relationship, the pregnancy is a temporary situation and I don’t see why he should act any differently just because happened to be pregnant with a child you are not planning to keep.
I am saying it from the position of a woman who terminated accidental pregnancy in similar circumstances. He also cried. No idea whether he was flirting with someone or not at the time because it was a casual relationship and he had a full right to if he wanted to. I literally went on a first date with my current partner two days after the abortion. I was not a person to judge the perspective father for any flirting there may have been going on at the time.

Guavafish1 · 11/09/2024 07:19

Honestly take him out the equation

if you want the baby and understand you’ll be a single mother than keep the pregnancy

I would base it on you.

he sounds like a loser. Let him go

PonyPatter44 · 11/09/2024 07:16

I think you're making exactly the right decision, fwiw. Go and have your abortion as quickly as possible, and block this clown while you're still angry at him.

Double up on your contraception if you need to, so you don't end up in this position again.

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 07:13

He is a complete waste of time I agree. I won’t be doing that again. He never asked me how I was feeling about anything. I would expect some level of care at least. Oh well it’s done now

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 11/09/2024 06:58

He is a complete waste of time. No point in even considering him in any decisions you make. Sounds like he's a here today gone tomorrow type of man.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 11/09/2024 06:57

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 06:05

It almost feels like he was playing along with how I feel and because he knows how difficult it was for me to make the decision. I know it’s the correct decision but it doesn’t make it any harder. Just absolutely so weird to me

You’d probably have found he sent a completely different response if your decision had been to keep the pregnancy - anger instead of tears; possibly accusations of your contraception failure being deliberate and intended to trap him in a relationship with you.

He’s out and flirting with other women as he feels no connection to the decision making and likely feels no loss at your decision having been “let off the hook” so to speak. Sorry to say, to him you were probably just a stop gap meeting a physical need without him having to put in any emotional commitment.

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 06:54

Absolutely I know I could never make a decision based on him, however it seemed reasonable to discuss it with him before making any decision.

I knew I would most likely be doing it alone and I could cope but I just know I don’t want that for my life. Thank you for all your kind messages I feel much better today for having ended it with him.

OP posts:
soberholic · 11/09/2024 06:51

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 11/09/2024 06:48

This may sound harsh but in your situation I'd be making a decision based on being a completely lone parent with no financial support.
Read some testaments on here. A man can say anything and you don't know him well enough to be certain of anything. Even working for an employer it's easy to avoid financial responsibility and no parent can be forced to spend any time with their DC.
My DSis was in her thirties with a long term partner when she became pregnant. He said all the right things until it was too late. She adores her now adult son. He is an amazing man, unlike his father, who has never seen him and simply avoided CM requests from the then CSA, often changing employment then going self-employed. He paid nothing, despite owning a successful business, buying a house and going on to have two further DC.
This is your decision to make.

That's not harsh, it's very clear advice.

soberholic · 11/09/2024 06:50

If you keep on the abortion track then you've got most of our support on MN.

I hope you know not to ever regret the decision, I don't regret mine - we make the best decisions we can at the time. 😊

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 11/09/2024 06:48

This may sound harsh but in your situation I'd be making a decision based on being a completely lone parent with no financial support.
Read some testaments on here. A man can say anything and you don't know him well enough to be certain of anything. Even working for an employer it's easy to avoid financial responsibility and no parent can be forced to spend any time with their DC.
My DSis was in her thirties with a long term partner when she became pregnant. He said all the right things until it was too late. She adores her now adult son. He is an amazing man, unlike his father, who has never seen him and simply avoided CM requests from the then CSA, often changing employment then going self-employed. He paid nothing, despite owning a successful business, buying a house and going on to have two further DC.
This is your decision to make.

Penhaligon · 11/09/2024 06:48

It comes across to me that he's being quite manipulative and is trying to get you to do what he wants with all the messages.

It's fine to have an abortion but make the decision based on what you want.

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 06:39

Welllll I’m not having the baby so we should be all good on that front

OP posts:
Edingril · 11/09/2024 06:39

This is an observation you are not coming across mature enough to have a baby

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 06:38

I went a bit crazy and liked one of the comments because he literally laughed when I mentioned it to him and lied and said he’s not talking to any other women.

Until I found out I was pregnant I never acted like this. I feel so disrespected and emotional. Yet I know I don’t really want him

OP posts:
SleepwalkingInTesco · 11/09/2024 06:20

He should be the one supporting you, not the other way around
I think if you go ahead with this pregnancy you will have to do it with the knowledge you will probably be a single parent and have to fight for maintenance etc
Good luck xxx

Vegandiva · 11/09/2024 06:18

Yeah, so he wants you to be exclusive while he’s doing whatever he likes, yet another reason to get him in the bin asap 🙄

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 06:11

i’ve decided to get an abortion. And I know we agreed to be casual, you’re right I’m not cut out for casual. However he had literally ignored me days over a misunderstanding that he thought I was going on a date with a man.

It’s the fact he made me feel guilty and worried instead of just saying hey I’m okay how are you after the conversation it was a straight ignore until I called him. After that I saw all the messages on these girls social media and just thought wow

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 11/09/2024 06:10

Casual sounds good in theory, but most people do not like being treated casually, as you are discovering.
I am sorry you are in this position, the guy sounds like more trouble than he is worth, so would recommend you also terminate the arrangement you had with him as your mental peace is worth more.
Flowers

soberholic · 11/09/2024 06:09

Sadmamatoday · 11/09/2024 06:06

Please get a termination. This is so toxic, you deserve better. It would be really unfair to subject anyone to a shit 'father' like this

That's a disgusting comment. And I say that as someone who's had an abortion without regret.

Birdahoy · 11/09/2024 06:09

Do you want to be a single parent? Having this child will tie you to this loser (sorry, but he isn’t looking great) for the next 18+ years.

ThorndonCream · 11/09/2024 06:09

Look after yourself. He can sort himself out. He's just being a sloppy drunk. In your circumstances I wouldn't delay about getting a termination. I don't think he is good father material. Incidentally, I don't think you're necessarily the kind for a "casualish" relationship. That's not a criticism - I wouldn't be either. I just like the feeling that somebody absolutely has my back and I am important to him.

Babsexxx · 11/09/2024 06:08

Sorry op but it’s casual and you are not in a relationship he has expressed his want for the child but not for you! Two separate things entirely so unfortunately he can and will do whatever he wants.

I would make a decision either move forward with the pregnancy understanding that you are not a item and coparent or the alternative and go your separate ways.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2024 06:07

I think we all behave in strange ways when we are drunk especially, I wouldn’t have engaged with him at all when out drunk but I think with how casual your situation is you can’t be too surprised he was with another woman. It’s a tough situation OP, all you can do now is make the best decision possible for yourself and lean on any support you have- not him x