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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

171 replies

BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:32

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 10/09/2024 22:57

Ignore those tell you to stop drinking alcohol all together OP.

You enjoy it - why should you?! You don’t need to martyr yourself to your husbands alcohol issue. Just drink outside of the house - take yourself off for a chilled hour at a nice wine bar and leave husband at home.

everyones a winner!

snakewillow · 10/09/2024 22:51

I would probably do it for a certain period of time but the cynic in me would wonder if he is giving himself a get-out clause for when he starts drinking again.

BurbageBrook · 10/09/2024 22:51

I think you should support him at least for the first few months. As he becomes stronger he will not mind you having alcohol I imagine. I recommend Jason Vale's book though which will help him stop drinking even when alcohol is around.

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 22:48

A month? What a cruel short timeline you've placed on him

Not much love in your household

CalicoPusscat · 10/09/2024 22:48

It's good that you can stop at home for a month, however he has to readjust after that. There will always be someone having a drink around.

Csdrassticcallychanginngnnammes · 10/09/2024 22:47

Comedycook · 10/09/2024 21:33

Honestly I think you should support him and not drink.

Absolutely agree with this.

HappySonHappyMum · 10/09/2024 22:46

Having just watched a relative die from chronic alcohol abuse I'd do anything to have helped that relative tackle his addiction. Giving up alcohol initially to help him wouldn't have been an issue at all. I'd have done it in a flash and having watched the suffering alcohol has caused this relative and his family over the years it wouldn't even cross my mind not to. Well done to your DP for recognising they have a problem, I wish them well with their sobriety.

Begsthequestion · 10/09/2024 22:44

I would 100% do this for someone I love. Or even someone I really like.

It's only wine. Save it for nights out without your DP instead.

Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:43

FootDown2022 · 10/09/2024 22:38

Addicts can be very controlling. My exH could tell you a hundred ways that I'm selfish and made him drink. It's definitely possible that I'm projecting my own experiences onto to the OP but I had counselling since the break up and now I would see the OPs partner asking her not to drink in the house as a sign that he's putting too much responsibility for his behaviour onto her.

Show quote history

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. I see it like when I stopped smoking- I tried to stop for months but because my partner was still smoking, I found it impossible.

Original poster
BTsrule · 10/09/2024 22:41

Dozer · 10/09/2024 22:33

Could it perhaps be that you don’t think he will address his addiction whatever you do, or that you’re just fed up and want out?

Like I said at the start, we have been here before with DP saying they will stop so I am a bit weary of hearing this. Although not with the no drinking in the house request. Have agreed that house will be an alcohol free zone for next month and will take from there.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/09/2024 22:38

armadillio · 10/09/2024 22:30

You don’t need to be sorry.

Is there a back story to this, is he generally unsupportive of you?

It is the OP who is being unsupportive.

FootDown2022 · 10/09/2024 22:38

Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:28

If your partner struggles with alcohol addiction and you put your own desire to have a glass of wine every now and again over their health, you’re the selfish one imo. It’s not about control, it’s about needing support.

Show quote history

Addicts can be very controlling. My exH could tell you a hundred ways that I'm selfish and made him drink. It's definitely possible that I'm projecting my own experiences onto to the OP but I had counselling since the break up and now I would see the OPs partner asking her not to drink in the house as a sign that he's putting too much responsibility for his behaviour onto her.

MyCharger56 · 10/09/2024 22:37

I have personal experience of this and if he wants to give up it has to be for him. You cant cause his addiction or control it by stopping your own drinking. If he's really serious he should get outside help but you don't need to stop social drinking . Be careful he doesn't make this a you problem... it's his to deal with. Good luck,!

TomatoSandwiches · 10/09/2024 22:35

Tbh you sound sick of him ( maybe justified I don't know ) and not wanting to change your life because of him.
That's fine, but have a think about if you want to stay with him, a happy partner would likely give it a go, you don't sound happy.

Sadmamatoday · 10/09/2024 22:34

With everyone else. You need to support him, it doesn't have to be forever

MrRobinsonsQuango · 10/09/2024 22:34

Not his place to tell you that. You aren’t the one with the problem -he is. But that’s typical addict thinking a lot of the time, to blame other people and not take any responsibility. At least you’re sticking by him, most likely l wouldn’t. My dad trashed my childhood quite well with his alcoholism and l wouldn’t let my partner or husband do that to my children

Dozer · 10/09/2024 22:33

Could it perhaps be that you don’t think he will address his addiction whatever you do, or that you’re just fed up and want out?

CalicoPusscat · 10/09/2024 22:33

Do you have any friends nearby that you could go round to for a glass of wine?

XenoBitch · 10/09/2024 22:32

Addiction is miserable, and if he is serious about tackling it, then it is something you do together.
Drinking in front of him, or having your own booze in the house is the exact opposite of what he wiil be trying to do to pull himself out of it.

If you wont do that for him, then surely you have a problem too?

armadillio · 10/09/2024 22:30

You don’t need to be sorry.

Is there a back story to this, is he generally unsupportive of you?

Original poster
BTsrule · 10/09/2024 22:29

armadillio · 10/09/2024 22:22

How can he be a partner if you won’t do such a simple thing for him?

You can drink out of the house.

I’m guessing you’re going to drip feed that this has happened before and he will drink in the house when you’re not there.

No I am not going to drip feed - sorry about that

OP posts:
Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:28

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 22:15

There's a difference between asking for support and asking to decide how someone else lives their life
As per pp, if he's serious, he'll do it, if he isn't he'll expect to control other people's actions .

Show quote history

If your partner struggles with alcohol addiction and you put your own desire to have a glass of wine every now and again over their health, you’re the selfish one imo. It’s not about control, it’s about needing support.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/09/2024 22:28

HeddaGarbled · 10/09/2024 21:36

I can see both sides of this one.

You could buy yourself one of those mini bottles of wine when you want some, but don’t keep any in the house putting temptation in his way.

This, I can see both sides.

I had a drink problem and stopped drinking a few years ago. My husband (drank much less) offered to stop with me and I said no. I knew it was something I had to do alone. But I was OK with alcohol in the house, I didn’t find it a big obstacle. If your husband does it might be reasonable to remove alcohol from the house at least temporarily, or yes buy the mini bottles

armadillio · 10/09/2024 22:22

How can he be a partner if you won’t do such a simple thing for him?

You can drink out of the house.

I’m guessing you’re going to drip feed that this has happened before and he will drink in the house when you’re not there.

StarDolphins · 10/09/2024 22:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

🤣how utterly ridiculous to suggest op has a drink problem, good grief!

There’s a big difference between‘can’t’ & ‘don’t want’.

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