solo day out - unwanted company

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

I understand you completely, I too like my own company and pleasing myself.
I'd either read or just look out of the window on the journey and be polite but not encouraging if he tried to chat.
On arrival I'd say "OK then, hope you enjoy your day, see you at dinner/whatever" then he's in no doubt that you're spending the day alone.

I did not say that being caught off guard was the woman’s fault.

I think, however, it would be unreasonable to be angry at the man in this situation because he just asked. People, even men, are allowed to ask if they might accompany someone, as long as they accept a refusal.

And there is no reason why the OP should not get out of the situation politely by speaking directly. But centuries of conditioning have made that a good deal harder for many women than it ought to be.

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

This is correct, it’s bizarre how many posters are encouraging the OP to lie and or be passive aggressive

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

This is correct, it’s bizarre how many posters are encouraging the OP to lie and or be passive aggressive

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

Post sounds completely ridiculous & of course you could have said you were going on your own over dinner. Look at the language, hopping mad, cross, hacked off, resentment, rude, resentment, awkward, animosity , so much drama. I'd highly doubt anyone would want to be around this negativity on a day out anyway. 🙄

I believe the yoof call it ‘main character syndrome’. Some men seem to picture women as side characters in their storyline of life. My ex actually once said to me he envisioned our life as some sort of sitcom-esque play through (he later discovered he’s autistic, not sure if it’s how he was verbalising his thoughts or genuinely being an arrogant dick).

So many men see women as support units, their only purpose to smooth men's journey through life. 'Sorry, I'd rather be alone' should put him straight.

I get why you're disappointed op but I think deep down you're mostly annoyed with yourself.

Your main mis-step was telling your next door room-mate about your plans at all. Sharing plans in detail like that is often seen as an unspoken invitation that you'd be happy for company. Next time be vague and don't share information with people.

Your other big mis-step was not saying no immediately when the man suggested it. But you've realised this.

I'm sure you'll sort this out fine in the morning. But going forward I'd work on this because if you enjoy/prefer solo travelling, this will come up as an issue repeatedly. Your main tactic should be not sharing your plans with people in the first place

He reminds me of the protagonist in About A Boy who goes to a single parent support group to meet women.

Game plan: Go to a retreat in Italy. The women there will have decent disposable incomes (or they wouldn’t be there) and all that art and sunshine and spirituality will be perfect for picking up ladies…

I’m so glad the OP left him to go around the city on his own while she can explore it in better temperatures tomorrow.