solo day out - unwanted company

Another anecdote: I was walking down the street on my way home. Eyes straight ahead, walking fast, not engaging with anyone.

Random man sidles up to me in the street while I am walking fast. (sidling is a thing these men do, approaching out of nowhere. Like the OP's description of the man at the retreat approaching her out of the blue - another way these men use any utterly flimsy and fleeting connection to impose themselves on a woman).

I don't like being interrupted when I am walking so say 'No thank you'. Random man unleashes a torrent of shouted abuse: 'Are all the fucking people in (home town name) as fucking rude as you?'

I don't break stride but once I am round the corner, I feel obliged to make a detour to ensure this person can't follow me & find out where I live.

God there are so many of these stories. And yet men complain and get angry when women feel obliged to make clear they should back off? And some people still think we should prioritise sparing the men's hurt feelings?

I agree that it gets easier with practice to be assertive about saying no. However I think it is important that women trust their gut feeling...they may choose to be open to connecting with someone when it feels right.

It can also be easiest to get the polite 'no' in early on. The one problem is that some men react really badly to being told 'no' by a woman. Their entitled rage can be startling and shocking, to the extent that women can feel (and often are) vulnerable to the consequences.

Well done for standing your ground OP. Have a safe trip home.

You know what, I think it's fine if one person asks another if they might tag along to something. That's how delightfully unexpected things happen. But the asker has to be prepared to receive a polite no as a response.

And for those who feel imposed upon... don't be frightened to say no. Maybe even rehearse it. There's lots of things I could/should go to, or have people coming with me to, that I prepare myself to say no to.

' well that's a lovely idea, but I'll be going by myself all the same. I've come here for some alone time which I don't get in real life. Perhaps I'll see you at breakfast the next morning'.

Or no, please don't think me rude, but I was really looking forward to going to xyz place by myself. I hope you have a great day all the same.

Or thanks for the offer of a drink, I'll politely decline though, I'm quite happy here reading my book my myself.

Or no, I'm quite happy in the library here by myself, I do really want to have some alone time, so could you leave me to it please?

I'd hope I can be the right mix of not too apologetic / polite / clear / not leaving room for discussion?

You also have to trust your immediate instinct and dive straight in with the polite no. It takes practice!

You call someone rude with a name like that?

Yes I will. You carry on being bossy because it's obviously your favourite hobby.

If you just read the OP's updates Not every post) it would save you wasting your time rather than clogging up threads with pointless comments

But you carry on

Hope you have the best time tomorrow @FrescoeDay

i had this a few years back, in a library of all places. Sitting reading as you do and he came up asking what I was doing.

reading of course I said but going duh it’s a library in my head.
oh any good and went to grab said book
I gripped the book tighter as I felt uneasy at this stage
i looked at him and said no I’m reading it
he got aggressive right away with I only wanted a look bitch what’s your problem
I retorted I didnt ask for your company I wanted to read in quiet in the library alone.
he stalks of swearing and muttering and does the same to another woman and I got up and told the librarian what he was doing.

she no nonsense told him to cut it out this was not a pick up joint and if he didn’t she’d call the police. he swore at her so she lifted the phone he left.

I waited an extra hour before I left in case he was outside ( he wasn’t) but I couldn’t relax reading after that.

'Nothing occurring... to realise her apprehensions, she endeavoured to fix her attention more closely on her book, in which by degrees she became so much interested, that she had read on through several chapters without heed of time or place, when she was terrified by suddenly hearing her name pronounced by a man’s voice close at her ear.
The book fell from her hand. Lounging on an ottoman close beside her, was Sir Mulberry Hawk, evidently the worse—if a man be a ruffian at heart, he is never the better—for wine.
‘What a delightful studiousness!’ said this accomplished gentleman. ‘Was it real, now, or only to display the eyelashes?’
Kate, looking anxiously towards the door, made no reply.
‘I have looked at ‘em for five minutes,’ said Sir Mulberry. ‘Upon my soul, they’re perfect. Why did I speak, and destroy such a pretty little picture?’
‘Do me the favour to be silent now, sir,’ replied Kate.
‘No, don’t,’ said Sir Mulberry, folding his crushed hat to lay his elbow on, and bringing himself still closer to the young lady; ‘upon my life, you oughtn’t to. Such a devoted slave of yours, Miss Nickleby—it’s an infernal thing to treat him so harshly, upon my soul it is.’
‘I wish you to understand, sir,’ said Kate, trembling in spite of herself, but speaking with great indignation, ‘that your behaviour offends and disgusts me. If you have a spark of gentlemanly feeling remaining, you will leave me.’
‘Now why,’ said Sir Mulberry, ‘why will you keep up this appearance of excessive rigour, my sweet creature? Now, be more natural—my dear Miss Nickleby, be more natural—do.’
Kate hastily rose; but as she rose, Sir Mulberry caught her dress, and forcibly detained her.
‘Let me go, sir,’ she cried, her heart swelling with anger. ‘Do you hear? Instantly—this moment.’
‘Sit down, sit down,’ said Sir Mulberry; ‘I want to talk to you.’
‘Unhand me, sir, this instant,’ cried Kate.
‘Not for the world,’ rejoined Sir Mulberry. Thus speaking, he leaned over, as if to replace her in her chair; but the young lady, making a violent effort to disengage herself, he lost his balance, and measured his length upon the ground.'

Oh shut up, I was only saying what I'd do. I'm sorry but I have a thing called a life and don't have time or inclination to read every post. Just ignore my post if you don't like it.

But that wouldn't have worked so it's a pointless post.

You would have more time for your Busy and Important Life if you hadn't posted at all.

Rude. You don't need to read every post, just the OPs

Oh shut up, I was only saying what I'd do. I'm sorry but I have a thing called a life and don't have time or inclination to read every post. Just ignore my post if you don't like it.

You would think that reading a book with a drink beside you would be enough of a hint that you are not interested in talking to anyone, but oh no.

Women are entirely justified in responding with anger to intrusions like this. Such stories are as old as time: read Nicholas Nickleby for an anecdote of a man harassing a woman who is reading. I have always had a soft spot for Dickens as he really seemed to get what it is like.

Can we have one discussion about shitty behaviour that many men exhibit without someone coming along and saying ‘well women are shitty too!!’. Women in general do not intrude on the space of men who are strangers to them. They wouldn’t plonk themselves down next to an unknown man, ask what they’re reading and try and stare out a conversation with them. Women don’t live with the mindset that a man by himself at any given time is some poor soul who’s simply waiting for her to come along and save him from some sad* future of cats and wine.

*see: being threatened with a good time.

Tbh in my experience women can also be extremely shitty when they don’t get the attention they want or feel they deserve!

I'm sure some can be of course. But men dont have the fear of women becoming aggressive and violent or a threat to their safety in the same way that women do when men do it. So, whilst it might be irritating for them, I dont think the two are comparable. Now, I get quite nervous at saying no to men because of the angry way they've reacted in the past and thats not ok.

Tbh in my experience women can also be extremely shitty when they don’t get the attention they want or feel they deserve!

So well done OP! You handled that beautifully.

I've been in this scenario more times than I can count, it's so depressing and aggravating. I love doing stuff alone, its the only me time I get.

I remember one time sitting in a pub drinking a nice glass of wine, reading my book and some bloke sat down at my table and tried to start up a conversation. I gave very minimal one word answers and hoped he'd get the hint but he didnt. He just kept on and on and on blathering on about himself and trying to ask me questions about myself. In the end I said "thank you, but I'm just enjoying some time to myself and I really just wanted to have a quiet drink alone". He then muttered that I was a "nasty bitch" and got up and huffed away. I had been perfectly polite to him and he reacted with anger and utter incredulity that I wasnt desperate for his pathetic attention. Its also happened to me at the gym, at cafes, on public transport etc

I dont know why men do this- are their egos really that huge that they think any woman alone is desperate for their company?- it baffles me. I dont know of any women that would behave like that, it's always men who do this. The entitlement is off the scale.

Having read a later update I agree.

Ugh.

Hope you have a great day tomorrow OP.

Echoing what other posters have said, the woman in the next room is a blabbermouth. Don't share too much with her!

I'm actually surprised noone trotted out the usual "aw poor man, he might be ever so lonely- go with him, he might need a chat/to offload his woes/ a pseudo therapist/ he might have dementia blah blah blah" Those are usually the responses when some random man targets a woman to relive his "loneliness". Note that they never target other men though do they?- strange that....

Lol. Yes, poor man. Maybe he's depressed?

Absolutely. The OP already said no several times and he still wouldnt take the hint so she was 100% right from her first reaction.

Women should trust their instincts and I dont know why other people always try to talk them out of it, it's a really important skill.

I'm actually surprised noone trotted out the usual "aw poor man, he might be ever so lonely- go with him, he might need a chat/to offload his woes/ a pseudo therapist/ he might have dementia blah blah blah" Those are usually the responses when some random man targets a woman to relive his "loneliness". Note that they never target other men though do they?- strange that.....

Tbh, I didn’t think the idea of watching the presidential debate was outrageous. I probably would have been ok with that suggestion - especially as the offer was made if the American guest “was still up”. Easy enough to ignore/fob off if you don’t want the company.

And then I read OP’s update. Just shows that your spidey senses were correct @FrescoeDay . What an awful, odious man!! Trying to control your day out and corner you into meeting up, even after you’d made it clear you wanted solo time. This is why you had that instinctive reaction to him - your subconscious had picked up cues on his behaviour already, I’d wager.

If you get the chance to update and are inclined to do so, I’d be curious whether he came back early and whether he copped an attitude with you…..not that it matters, you were right. I was just wondering. There’s something entertaining about the idea about him wandering around a place that he didn’t actually want to go to 😂 I hope you get the chance to enjoy your solo trip tomorrow- and I hope he doesn’t randomly turn up!!!!

Sounds like you dealt with this really well @FrescoeDay

I very much enjoyed reading your update He was persistent wasn't he? PP mentioned sales, and he was definitely using 'the assumptive close'

I bet he was furious to effectively be steered to a destination he never really wanted to go to all by himself. I'm thinking he'll be back early saying it was too hot or some other excuse.

High Five @FrescoeDay !

Enjoy your solo day tomorrow.