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Original poster

solo day out - unwanted company

535 replies

FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:16

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:33

MounjaroUser · 10/09/2024 21:30

I think you need to be upfront with him before you go and say, "Just wanted to say I'm going to spend the day on my own tomorrow. I never get a chance to have time to myself at home, so I've promised myself a solo day as a huge treat."

This would work and I may end up with a variation but isn't it annoying that you have to almost have this little pretend intimacy/ lie to get your time. As if they're doing you a favour.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:32

Thanks all!

Yeah it's a car to the train together and then an hour's train journey and in theory we should probably co ordinate the train we get back (basically the retreat driver will collect us).

I think this - or the announcement over dinner - is one of those occasions where without my wanting to I found myself saying yeah fine and then resentment started to brew and now I'm hopping mad.

I have sunglasses, book, headphones, but in a way I am annoyed at having to deploy them. Just as I will be mildly annoyed at myself if I end up bringing up my boyfriend or saying I 'need' alone time. His presumptuousness has hacked me off. And I wish I'd had a more ready reply in the moment. Sure, we can share the car.

I think there is zero danger of me actually spending tomorrow having to remark on every church and painting to this fellow but I'm so cross I could end up being rude and that's not me either. At this place all day you are alone/ working and then dinner is the one convivial time of the day...

I will read on the train (my plan anyway) and then pick something outlandish to go and look at first...

Alas there are men and they leap on your plans. Yoga. None. It's optionally semi-spiritual I guess...

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 10/09/2024 21:30

I think you need to be upfront with him before you go and say, "Just wanted to say I'm going to spend the day on my own tomorrow. I never get a chance to have time to myself at home, so I've promised myself a solo day as a huge treat."

Createausername1970 · 10/09/2024 21:30

Have you arranged a lift back from the station? You could say "if you would like a lift back tonight, you will need to be back at the station by 6.00, unless you have made other arrangements". This is being friendly but at the same time very clearly implying you are not expecting them to hang around with you.

2chocolateoranges · 10/09/2024 21:25

If you are sharing a taxi or getting the bus together I’d do as @Beepybopp said and say thanks for sharing the lift, enjoy your day.

Beepybopp · 10/09/2024 21:22

Sorry, regarding the train, I'd run off to get a coffee or something and hopefully not see them in the carriage.

If you do just open a book or put your headphones in and close your eyes until they get the message

BuddhaAtSea · 10/09/2024 21:22

Just say in the car on the way to the station: I think I’d like to do this by myself, I need my headspace. I’ll see you when we get back.
You don’t owe him anything, you’re on this retreat for yourself. Who cares if his feelings will be wounded?

But now I want to know what kind of retreat it is, because I’ve got a birthday coming up and I want to do something similar. My only criteria is no yoga and no men 😂

Ponoka7 · 10/09/2024 21:21

Pretend you've got a headache coming on and wear sunglasses. Just tell him the time to meet back at the car and tell him that you want to go at your own pace and not hold him up.

Beepybopp · 10/09/2024 21:21

Ok so you're getting a taxi into town together basically?

As soon as you arrive in the town you say, 'Well, have a great day! See you later!' and immediately walk off!

If he says, 'oh are we not going together?' you say 'ah I was really rather looking forward to spending the day alone doing things at my own pace. See you later!'

If he still persists at that point you say, 'I don't want to be rude, but no. I want to spend the day alone. Bye.'

Honestly just do it. It won't be as bad as you fear.

rainbowunicorn · 10/09/2024 21:21

I would just be honest. You want to spend the day alone. You don't have to give reasons. Just be polite and explain the way you have here.