solo day out - unwanted company

YANBU to want to go alone, of course. But YABU to get so angry and be calling the man a prick when you could have said "Actually I need some time out, so you'd better go separately".

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I guess the imposition wouldn’t be such a problem if she’d said no? I get that she was caught off guard though.

Why can't she just be angry at the man, for the imposition? And whatever else she has picked up about his manner and his intentions - given she is there in the flesh and would know better than us?

Yeah that’s what I was thinking. You could’ve just told the guy you wanted a day to yourself and now you’re angry with yourself. It’s not late though. Just say “see you later” when you get out the taxi and act surprised if he says you though you were going to spend the day together. Tell him you’ve already got plans and hurry off.

^^ This script.

Though I’m sympathetic about being caught off guard and about feeling angry with the man, when really you’re angry with yourself.

What happened OP?

I wouldn’t even go as far to offer to catch a lift in or lift back. You have no obligation to organise anyone else. If the tag-along wants to share a ride they can sort themselves out.

'I'll join you if you don't mind' is very different to 'that sounds interesting, would you mind if I joined you?'

Ones a statement, ones a question.

Asked publicly, difficult to say no to the first at the time.
I think OP just needs to put him right in a polite but assertive way, no big drama

After the taxi, “Right, I’m off… have a nice day. See you later!” Walk away quickly.

Yes, you are massively unreasonable to not be able to say No in a polite, light hearted but assertive way

The irony.

Yes, just (politely) brush him off. You don’t even know the guy. You don’t have to trot around after him all day.

In the taxi, just say "should we meet back at the train at 5,so that you can share the car home?" Simple. That may be his plan anyway. If he suggests staying together - "no I'd rather do my own thing as planned". Simple

This is perfect. Noone should worry about being "rude" to people who are rude to them first- and he was rude, muscling in on your plans without even checking you wanted it.

OP, as far as I can see you’re overreacting to something not said — did this guy actually say he was planning to spend the day with you?

Because I’ve been on or taught on several similar-sounding retreats in rural Italy, and it’s very much the norm to lift share to the station to get a train to the nearest city if you want a day off-site. It would be entirely normal for other people to take a lift if someone else had already ordered the car to make a specific train, with absolutely no intention to sit together on the train, far less spend the day together. The driver/taxi is part of the service offered by the retreat. Anywhere I’ve been if it had emerged that two retreatants were both heading to the city for the day, they’d be asked to share the taxi to the station, if possible to coordinate timings to get back later. With zero expectation that they were spending the day together.

The fact he stated he was accompanying you rather than checking with you suggests he isn’t great with normal boundaries. This will mean you need to be more direct with him in order for him to get the hint.

That particular post wasn't actually directed at OP, and I think she's a smart woman and would immediately recognize that. The quote of another poster that I was clearly reacting to is a pretty good giveaway. That particular poster decided to have a go at me instead of just sharing her own view on the actual topic and letting others have a different one... theirs is an approach you apparently share and then some.

I've put a lot of care into composing genuine responses to OP (who has responded in kind) and to other posters who were actually engaging constructively.

What a leap. The OP has said absolutely nothing to suggest the man is difficult or scary.

Blinking heck. Maybe he heard about what you were doing and also likes art. It’s completely reasonable that @FrescoeDay wants the day alone, but the bloke hasn’t assaulted her for goodness sake.

Reasonable preference, but excessive reaction. Just out of interest, would your reaction have been as strong if the woman you originally mentioned it to wanted to come along?

Some men will impose themselves on women because they feel entitled to women's company and so many women can't say no to men that the men are a bit clueless and don't realise they're imposing.

Some.beleive women genuinely don't feel.comfortable doing things alone and so think they're actually doing you a favour.

Some people (men and women) don't like doing things alone and will just think someone else is looking for company as much as they are.

There are plenty of people who think they're doing you a favour by not letting you spend the day on your own.

You just need to tell him.

I don't think it's thoughtful or respectful to address a load of remarks taking the piss out of Mumsnet when the OP is actually coming onto Mumsnet to get some balanced advice. I don't see how your post was helping the OP deal with an awkward situation at all.

It seems that it's only you who gets to sneer. Rightho.

I think this is the best way around it. And don’t feel bad, I would be exactly the same as you. I would even avoid leaving the office on time so I didn’t have to travel home with coworkers because I was looking forward to reading my book on the train in peace.

Presumably you’re now at breakfast. In front of others make direct eye contact with him, smile firmly and tell him you’ve thought about him accompanying you. Explain you had intended to be alone and that he’s welcome to copy your plans himself tomorrow.
Maintain eye contact and don’t speak further even if he does. Don’t share the car as it will stress you in case you can’t shake him off.
If you’re concerned you may appear rude, remember you’ll never see these people again.

I travel solo a lot and sometimes get people wanting to see the sights with me. Both men and women. Not always slimy men, just people who don't know how to do stuff alone.

I sometimes blame my DC. I say I just want time alone away from my hectic family life. Actually my DC are grown but they dont know that and it lets them down easy.

I was being thoughtful and respectful, trying to support OP in getting what she (rightly) wants without escalating an awkward situation or letting it ruin her day out. I did not appreciate another poster calling me condescending.

But after a decade as a British citizen I'm happy to tell people who want to sneer at immigrants to sod off. The UK isn't some homogenous lump where no one ever has a different view.

I think that's a bit harsh.

Women are conditioned to pacify/be kind/agreeable to men. Yes we rail against it but in some circumstances (especially when caught in the headlights surrounded by others) even the strongest of us can find ourselves agreeing to things we don't really fancy doing.

Any of my friends would describe me as "forthright, says what she means" type of person. Yet if I was in a group situation like the OP, especially with people I don't know, and someone said "I'll join you, if you don't mind" I'd probably react in the same way and seethe later!