solo day out - unwanted company

If the guy was under the illusion it was going to be a place where he'd make friends and spend time with others, then I feel for him

Problem is, it’s unreasonable to expect other people to be “on” all the time, socially speaking. Even on group trips, most people want time on their own at some point and that needs to be respected. The ones who demand company all the time and are unable to do anything on their own are utterly tiresome.

Cheeky git, good on you for saying no

I was just thinking of one of the cheekiest men that I met , when I was travelling. I was staying in a hotel.

I was standing down in reception, and this man started talking to me. I exchanged a little bit of small talk with him. Then I said "I have to go, I'm going to the shop".

He then said "get me a coffee while you're tbere", and started to get money out of his pocket.

I was gobsmacked! I'd just met him and he was treating me like a servant.

I did say no

If the guy was under the illusion it was going to be a place where he'd make friends and spend time with others, then I feel for him, but as it seems to be a retreat where a lot of time is spent in silence or praying, I don't feel sorry for him. He mustn't have read the details. Having said that he should have realised the OP wasn't interested in making friends and should have left her alone.

Yes - thats why they do it - you sense a threat of volatility so you comply and they then are controlling / manipulating you.

Happened in this case - he didnt respond graciously to the OPs polite and direct assertive boundary this morning - so she felt compelled to remove herself physically from his presence by returning back to the retreat. Totally the right thing - he would have been a pest on the train and she would have been looking over her shoulder all day.

Good point!

It is sad that you put the day off.

But If OP went today she'd probably be nervous of bumping into him at the art places.

I absolutely hate having people impose on / change my plans . My DH says I get disproportionately angry about it so I understand where you are coming from
I would just make it very clear in the car to the train station that you’ll be “ leaving him to his own devices once you get to the station , as you’ve planned a day of solitude for yourself” then as soon as you get on the train move away from him with a “ bye then , enjoy your day “ and get your book out .

I think that’s sad. Why did you deprive yourself of a day that you’d arranged and set out on? You’d already stood up to this man by saying you wanted to be alone, which was great, but then you suddenly gave in to him and ‘backed off’. I don’t understand why you didn’t just refuse to exchange numbers and repeat to the driver that you’d phone him re a collection time for you, and the man would do the same. You’d already taken the most difficult step in standing up for yourself.

Just be careful he doesn’t decide to try and come along tomorrow too, OP.

I’ve done a fair amount of solo travelling and it’s not uncommon for men to join these groups in an effort to hook up or at least a captive audience. They have the hide of a fucking rhino and they don’t take rejection well when it does get through to them. It’s not all then men on these trips but a sizeable minority, and we all know the type. You have to be ready for them, be absolutely blunt in keeping them at arm’s length and be prepared for the negging/push back/whatever.

I was once on a group with a man who, on being told that he was currently the only male on the trip and would therefore have to pay the extra for a single-occupancy room, offered to share a room with “any single young ladies ha ha” <shudders>

Sorry to keep coming back, but I've been through this learning process myself as a reformed people pleaser... 😏

Can I say that your anger and self-recrimination at saying Yes in the first place is actually a good signal that your boundaries are being crossed? Feelings are part of our feedback in the world. And as a previous OP said, a lot of us who've had a dysfunctional upbringing have been conditioned to turn those signals off, or to disconnect from them. Expressing our needs brought punishment. So it's great that you took notice of that feeling of anger.

Then you did another good thing by taking the time to reflect in peace about what you actually wanted, and figured out ways to achieve that. Which you then put into action the next day. 👍

I have no doubt that the whole experience was enervating and that you may resent the effort and thought and 'disturbance in the force' required. But, with practice, the time elapsed between feeling that disturbance and speaking out or acting in your own protection will get shorter.

That's how we learn to do it, and people who find it easy themselves don't need to jump on you for it. It's like driving angrily up the arse of a learner driver... they're just at a different stage to you and will get better with practice...

Ugh... what the actual fuck is wrong with men... even total strangers thinking that its fine for them to abdicate responsibility, and get a woman to do their thinking and decision making for them!

"have you decided what we'll see first?"

Infuriating, and even more so given the nature of this holiday!

Nicely done OP. Have a lovely day tomorrow.

Tell him you’re the Sistine Screamer.

Cut msg as my reply was irrelevant a sit's been dealt with by OP

Fabulous. I love the way you dealt with it. Enjoy tomorrow

Already sorted if you read OPs update earlier today

It's astounding how entitled some men are. I was travelling in the USA solo when I was younger.

At a large theme park, in the single rider queue, a man who would have been at least thirty years older than me struck up a conversation with me then after a few minutes asked if I wanted to 'go around together' for the rest of the day since we were both alone.

I said no, I prefer to be alone!

Oh I wish it was always easy to get rid of a self centred, persistent man. My experience: such men frequently react very badly to 'rejection' from a woman and this can lead to even bigger problems to deal with.

This. Let him have the lift but that’s it. Make it very clear that you’re doing your own thing.

In fact I’d put it more strongly - ‘No, I always go to galleries on my own - this is my quiet time and it doesn’t work if I have company. See you back here at X time!’

I agree this is something you might consider. Surely the premise of this break as you described it was clear to participants in the advertising, and he would/should have been aware of it?

He has now tried to impose himself on at least two women....and is it possible that the person who disclosed your plans to him was yet another woman who sent him your way to try to get rid of him?

At the very least, one would expect all participants to be conscious of this purpose and sensitive to the needs of individuals in line with it.

Are you intentionally missing the point tho 🫢

Reading OP's updates, also not hard.

"For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. "

I feel that this man has got the nature of the holiday wrong, either deliberately or through ignorance. I would be wary of him imposing himself on other people on something which is supposed to be a solitary break. Is there an organiser or ' rep' with you that you could have a word with if his behaviour continues like this? he's treating it as a singles hook up holiday and that will make many people uncomfortable.

Well done for bud nipping anyway!

Well it actually suits OP who was thinking of going on another day anyway due to the hot weather.

Win win