solo day out - unwanted company

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

In her OP it was described as a group holiday like a retreat I think so the angry remarks about "Random Man" and typical behaviour is not totally applicable.

These would be words I would use if some random man invited himself to something I was doing alone😂😂 not everyone’s social, not everyone enjoys speaking to strangers. How does she know how this strangers going to react? Maybe this man should stop assuming he can tag along with people.

It seems the derailing of her thread put off @FrescoeDay from telling us about how she enjoyed her walkabout and evening.
It is like someone has torn out the final chapter. (Sigh)!

I fully understand the desire for a day alone - that's something I would want as well.

But gently... you seem to be making your people-pleasing all his fault. He isn't ignoring hints or expressed preferences because you haven't given any. He specifically offered you an out when he said "if you don't mind" and you didn't take it.

I've got my own anxieties about ruffling feathers and speaking up for myself so I understand why you hesitated, but I think your anger is misplaced. We're adults, no one should be tiptoeing around us trying to constantly anticipate our wishes and wondering "well she said it was ok but maybe that was a lie and I should take her answer to mean the exact opposite thing. Oh god I shouldn't have expressed my own wishes or interests to begin with she probably thinks I'm so aggressive." That is absolutely exhausting and unproductive for everyone involved.

Take some deep breaths and summon the spine tomorrow at breakfast to just tell him. Don't make it some elaborate, fraught thing, don't come up with a bunch of justifications, don't lie. Easy and to the point. "Good morning, James. I'm happy to share a lift to the station but I was looking forward to a day exploring on my own after that, so I'll let you go your own way and see you when we arrive back in [base town]." Then when you get to the station, wish him a good day and walk off in the other direction.

Enjoy your blessed alone time.

Post sounds completely ridiculous & of course you could have said you were going on your own over dinner. Look at the language, hopping mad, cross, hacked off, resentment, rude, resentment, awkward, animosity , so much drama. I'd highly doubt anyone would want to be around this negativity on a day out anyway. 🙄

Yeah I should have mentioned that sorry. No father on the scene. The mum is with a man now who she has been with for around 4 years.

I have never seen the father of this lad (and his older sister who is about a year and a half older.) Stepdad works away around 4 days of the week, and doesn't take any of the disciplining duties, (or communicate much with the kids at all as far as I can see) - and as I said, the mother doesn't give a shit, and thinks her darling son is enchanting and that everyone should love him. 🙄

As you said, it's not up to me - or any other woman - to tell this 8 year old lad that he is crossing boundaries, and tell him what he is doing is wrong, and being a pain in the arse. His mother should be doing this. I can not imagine it ending well if some random female neighbour tried to scold or dictate to this little poppet. His mother can't see he is doing anything wrong

Again I don't think this is a problem for the nearest woman to fix. This is the responsibility of his parents (both his parents btw - I note no mention of his father).

That's a shame. I do think this is a problem with people not being raised properly. It would be kinder to tell him what he's doing is wrong

Oh, this really massively grates on me too. I've currently got a neighbour (who moved in a year ago, around October,) with a son who's 8. As soon as he comes home from school at 2.45pm - school is 5 minutes walk - he whizzes up and down the cul-de-sac on his little bike, and just continually targets people to talk at. (Doesn't talk to them or listen. It's never a 2 way conversation. It's just him talking about himself and blathering on and chatting shit.)

The summer holidays were stressful, trying to avoid him, as he was outside ALL the time. As soon as you stepped out of your front door, he would appear, and try to pin you down and bend your ears with his continual waffle.

I know he is only 8 - but he is singularly the most annoying little shit that I've ever met. Honestly, absolutely does my head in. He's got a sister who's a year older and she doesn't do anything like this.

The mother does nothing about it and just lets him whizz up and down the footpaths targeting people. She thinks that her precious son is such an enchanting little darling, and that everybody should love him, and drop absolutely everything they're doing to stand and listen to the crap he comes out with.

I'm having to do stuff in the garden now before 2.30pm, and haven't got the luxury of tootling around late afternoon or early evening, because I know that I'm just going to get pinned down by him chatting shit. He refuses to leave, even when I say 'gotta go now I'm busy' and turn my back. Absolutely no boundaries. I know he is only 8, but I doubt that he will EVER change, and I pity any girls or women he encounters as a man.

@FrescoeDay I would love to hear an update. Did you get your nice day away from this super-irritating pushy man?

There are a few posts like this and I can totally relate. But what advice would we all give to a young boy who is about to hit puberty and head towards sexual maturity, in terms of how to form romantic/sexual relationships in a respectful and boundaried way?

I’m 50 and married for 18 years now so haven’t had to think about how you meet people to see if there is a romantic spark for a long time.

I’m thinking about my lovely DS who asked me the other day how you do go about starting to date. He’s only 12 and not interested yet but we were talking about a friend of his. I said, well firstly you make friends with people and then if you like them in that way then you ask them out. He said ‘but you’d get ridiculed if they said no’ and I can well believe it. So in his head he’s too scared of ridicule to ask outright.

But I was thinking about my previous relationships and marriage and how they started. My husband and I were friends and he then, very sweetly, asked me out on a date. I don’t think I’ve had a lasting relationship with anyone that wasn’t a friend first and whenever I’ve been chatted up and then gone on a date it’s never worked out. When I tried OLD for a short period that didn’t work out either.

Would love to hear what others would tell my DS. Was my advice the best? But then if he’s not brave enough to ever ask.., reading cues is good. I can help him with that.

Maybe I am being a bit brusque about this but I feel that feeling I get when someone is demanding some extra patience / forbearance off me by parading their child with an ingratiating smile and assuming I will stop my conversation and watch their kid / put up with their football in the picnic spot, because they have spotted that I, too, am a "mum" and therefore have all the kindness and patience in the world for their annoying offspring who is usually a large loud badly mannered boy who is getting in the way of my girls