To think I am a complete useless liability

Oh my word, I want to give you a massive hug and a gentle shake at the same time. You ARE allowed to be angry - you've been dealt a shit hand and it sucks. Sod that other people may have it harder - you have it hard and are allowed to be pissed off about it!

You also don't sound remotely silly, cracking up, or anything like that. You sound like a perfectly normal person dealing with a heck of a lot of trauma. You know what helped me when I was getting therapy for anxiety - it was the therapist saying (effectively) "bloody hell no wonder you're anxious, you've been through a ton of shit!" I honestly thought everyone went though the stuff I'd gone through, and you know what - they don't. No wonder you feel overwhelmed - you're going through a load more stress than most people do.

I, like you, also appear to cope extremely well on the surface, and like you ask how other people are when it's me that's in need of support. No idea why I do it - I think it's a defense mechanism - if you can't do anything about the big stuff (people dying, being ill) at least you can deal with the little things, eg offering the paramedic a cuppa.

I would suggest asking your GP about the possibility of you being anxious / depressed. And then I would suggest practicing being kind to yourself. It is not easy, and feels daft at first. Literally tell yourself "well done, I have got the kids to school and looked calm and collected. That is good, go me." "I have made a GP appointment, that took courage, I'm doing well." etc. And every time you think you shouldn't complain or whatever, imagine a mumsnet viper giving you a gentle shake, and reminding you you are allowed to be pissed off!

This and other things you’ve said about feeling hopeless, always in survival mode, having to put on a good front… I really think you would benefit from some therapy. To help you unpick patterns of behaviour , and change the way you see things. I can relate to a lot you have described by the way…

Also you are trying to ‘make yourself’ be okay, but it is quite possible that you are in fact falling apart a bit now because , with your children both in school, now IS the first time you’ve been able to let go, just a bit, and it’s all (your df’s death, your diagnosis) coming tumbling out.

others have said it but it bears repeating so I will say it too: give yourself grace. Try to speak to yourself internally as you would to a friend.

wishing you all the best.

Life events have quelled your spark temporarily. But it is only temporary. It will come back. BUT you have to allow yourself to be well mentally and physically for that to happen. You probably need proper sustained rest. You have been through a lot and because you're human, you're now at cracking point. None of us are immune to that. We all crack under life events eventually, however strong we are. I promise, have the wisdom to understand that showing strength right now is to give yourself the care and love you need to fully recover from all you've been through. Jobs come and go and your job as a mum is the most important in all honesty. Take it from someone who used to believe my job defined me and who life has taught otherwise.

Epilepsy is horrendous, and is totally a legitimate reason for not working- please don't feel guilty or ashamed. I think your priority should be getting some counselling to help you deal with everything you have been through and to help you have some compassion for yourself.

You were running on adrenaline for so long, now you don't have that to fire you through the days, you're unconsciously seeking it again.

You're not letting yourself be hugged because that might let out the exhaustion, frustration and pain. The adrenaline squashed all of that down, you had shit to do all of the time, there wasn't any time for that. And now you're restricted by your health, you can't do anything else because you can't dash from crisis to crisis, from whatever your father did next - you can't run. Which is exactly what your head is telling you to do - run, keep moving, feel the adrenaline, keep on going and never stop.

So you're trapped feeling some of those feelings instead of running through sheer busy-ness. Which is going to be scary as Hell.

You've had to swallow those down, take the blame for whatever your father did, have him deflecting away from his actions, taking on responsibility for his choices.

Your feelings of wanting to run are you knowing that's what you were doing before - acting, not fighting (as that's not what addicts allow, it's all about other people picking on them, you're not allowed to be angry with them). They've put you in the situation of paralysis, freezing because you couldn't fight, there's no means of flight and you're trapped feeling those emotions even though you don't want to because you can't block them out with constant movement.

Bereavement counselling might help, maybe a safe, supervised exercise - water aerobics? Cool, clear water supporting you, holding you, music and movement, different sounds and smells to take your attention away from everything other than not falling over, everything else fading into the background for a while.

I think you sound bloody amazing OP.

OP, you have insulted yourself in every post!

Would you allow someone else speak to you that what? Would you speak to anyone else in such a derogatory manner?

If you make no other short term changes but that, stop being so nasty to yourself and harsh on yourself. It's literally self abuse!

I am sorry to hear you feel like this, I felt a similar way when my youngest started school, you would also never have never known it from talking to me.

I also have a medical condition similar to epilepsy and can't drive due to it so felt incredibly limited as it made not only getting to a job difficult but collecting children around that almost impossible.

I was lucky and Covid hit meaning working from home became the norm and I got a minimum wage admin job working from home for 2 hours a day. Long story short but I worked very hard and am now in a management position and well thought of so they let me arrange my hours around my illness.

What you have been through is incredibly difficult to manage and you are doing amazingly well. I don't really have any advice, but want you to know that things can get better.

I was just going to say exactly this. You are being ridiculously hard on yourself, and it is not clear why. Give yourself a break, and come up with a plan of what you want to do now, and how you can do it.

OP, sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree but you've mentioned things like oblivion, not wanting to be you, wondering why you're alive, not feeling in control etc, so just saying it just in case. If you feel in crisis, please reach out to someone.

You can call Samaritans on 116 123, or you can text SHOUT to 85258.

If you had a friend in your situation, would you be so hard on her? Of course not. You would realise she had a severe illness and was doing the best she could. Be kinder to yourself. A cliche, but in this case, very true.

I hate moaning because people have to go through unspeakable things and they survive, they hold their head high.

But do you think these people aren't suffering? Maybe they're just putting on their "unicorns and rainbows" face for your benefit, and everyone else's. It's normal to struggle through hard circumstances. Maybe they're pretending too.

But even if you're right and they are coping well, maybe that's because they're being kind to themselves, getting the help they need, relying on their loved ones when they need to etc. Everyone needs help sometimes. Successful people are those who get the right help at the right time.

What do you act like it's unicorns and rainbows?

It's a typical self preservation & survival method. Some people break down, other turn to drink/drugs etc and other go into survival mode. It's a coping mechanism.

A lot of people do this, me including. I'm excellent in a crisis or with a bereavement etc but the minute everyone else is recovering, that's when I fall apart.

I was at a talk once where someone said "optimism is a survival method". Never heard it put like that before but there's definitely a ring of truth to it.

Oh and get audio books for your walks, great way to get back into reading. I’m listening to Tom Lake by Ann Patchett atm (Meryl Streep narrating it!) and it is absolutely wonderful

It is not weak to feel overwhelmed. It is human. Read what you said in the original post as if a friend wrote it, how would you respond? Give yourself the empathy you would give to another in your shoes.
Set yourself some small goals, keep up the fitness, get some therapy, pick up some hobbies and volunteer as others have said.
Life is tough, and you’ve had a lot to deal with - you’re doing amazing! Life is also wonderful and you deserve to enjoy it so start making that happen. Good luck!

You really need to cut yourself some slack.

You have had 4 very big events in your life in a short space of time.

You had a baby (like changing no matter what the circumstances).

Your little one had development delays (stressful & worrying no doubt especially before diagnosis).

You were diagnosed with epilepsy.

Your father died.

That is a hell of a lot to deal with. Sometimes survival is a success.

Things appear to be turning for you.
Take it one step at a time.
Do you thing therapy would help.
Do you think a job plan would help.

I also think you are underestimating your position as a mother. That's a job in itself and one of the most difficult ones. You don't have to work if you don't want to either.

I think the idea of seeing if a hobby can become a business is a very good one. Being self employed will allow you more flexibility.

Two of my friends have epilepsy. One was a medical sales rep who can no longer drive. He now trains sales reps, does all of their certification training, videos etc. Another is an artist, mainly commissions. Her work is good so mainly flexibility in terms of deadlines so she manages it around this. There are options. It will exclude you from some roles but there are still a lot available to you.

You are not "a completely useless liability". I'm sorry but that's a horrible way to talk about yourself. I really hope you can see it's very far from the truth.

You've been in survival mode. It's very difficult to adjust afterwards. It will take time.