Page 3 | I don't like my engagement ring 😞 (pic)

Marooney · 2024-09-10T10:56:55+00:00

Last night my partner proposed, which was lovely. I often like simple and classic in general but this ring just feels so small and generic, I'm sad. Also I have quite big hands and I think the ring is kind of swamped. He went to choose it after work apparently and went to the shop he knows in town. He said if I didn't like it I could change it, but I've had a look at the shop's website and honestly they don't have anything I like better. I like more vintage styles (lots on Etsy that I like), bigger stone (could be moissanite, I don't mind if it's not valuable) and this shop just has modern looking things, this is the best of the lot. Unfortunately they only do exchanges, not refunds. Not sure what to do :( I guess the AIBU is AIBU for feeling disappointed with this ring, and AIBU for seeing if he minds me using the shop credit for some future birthday and Christmas presents (it was about £360) and looking for a ring elsewhere. Any other suggestions welcome 🙏🏼

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 17:58

JammieMaggie · 14/09/2024 17:35

Well it depends. There is some lovely vintage jewellery on Etsy (and eBay). But I would definitely pay with a credit card to be on the safe side!

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You would not necessarily win a chargeback with Etsy, most sellers have in the T’s and C’s that their items are non returnable and may not resemble the photo on the website due to lighting/ sizes may vary etc. Buyers should read carefully.

JammieMaggie · 14/09/2024 17:35

Girlslikepearls · 14/09/2024 13:53

You'd be utterly mad to buy a ring from Etsy and think the stones are genuine.
Etsy to me, means cheap and not very genuine items some of which are home made (it's where lots of crafts people sell what they make.)

Well it depends. There is some lovely vintage jewellery on Etsy (and eBay). But I would definitely pay with a credit card to be on the safe side!

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 16:23

Pipsquiggle · 14/09/2024 14:57

@Lovefromjuliaxo
You are about 2 days behind on all your assertions, RTFT.

BTW a bloke spending an hour or 2 looking around a couple of high street jewellers is making minimum effort for buying an engagement ring. I have spent more time looking for a pair of trainers than that.

As it turns out, all the people saying 'tell him you love him but you don't love the ring' were absolutely right.
He doesn't care about the ring and had a load of random nonsense about what a engaging should be.

I replied to the thread days ago, I was replying to OP’s most recent reply because she drip fed. Sounds like missed communication on both sides. He likely thought Op was expecting an engagement the next day. She wasn’t.

she should just tell him she loves him and doesn’t love the ring, I agree with that. But looks like OP must have dropped some heavy hints about wanting to be engaged and he assumed asap. He spent two hours choosing the ring in person so I would say that’s some effort. Low effort would be buying the first thing he saw online.

Pipsquiggle · 14/09/2024 14:57

@Lovefromjuliaxo
You are about 2 days behind on all your assertions, RTFT.

BTW a bloke spending an hour or 2 looking around a couple of high street jewellers is making minimum effort for buying an engagement ring. I have spent more time looking for a pair of trainers than that.

As it turns out, all the people saying 'tell him you love him but you don't love the ring' were absolutely right.
He doesn't care about the ring and had a load of random nonsense about what a engaging should be.

TonTonMacoute · 14/09/2024 14:56

This sounds like a great outcome OP, and the fact that you were able to sort everything out between you with no upsets bodes well. Keeping secret the fact that you aren't happy is never a good, however major or trivial the reasons.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 14:36

Marooney · 14/09/2024 13:04

There are so many assumptions here. I'm not "moaning" that I didn't have time, he literally did it THE DAY AFTER we talked about it, I could hardly have presented him with a folder of ring pics the same day he mentioned proposing now could I?

Appreciate the point about quality on Etsy and won't necessarily go for that. But the ring he picked was the lowest karat gold (there was a choice of 9 or 18 for all rings) and the lowest carat of diamond (the style he chose came with a variety of sizes of stone). Again, none of this would matter if the style had been remotely something I liked. And yes they are lab diamonds which doesn't bother me. I like bigger stones as they suit my hand better but it could be a lower value stone, no problem.

I think you and a couple of others missed the point of the post which didn't include any complaint about him, I was worried about what to do since the shop would only exchange not refund. I was also curious what people thought of the ring, but it was pure curiosity as only I have to like it.

The idea of a flashy ring, engagement or wedding is anathema to me- I simply did not want that ring to be the one for the rest of my life. Some responses here are completely bizarre.

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Ok, drip feeding then as you didn’t mention it was one day after to begin with. You could’ve mentioned to him you’d like to pick a ring together when discussing the possibility of a proposal. I can’t see into his mind but perhaps he thought you were angling for a quick proposal. Antique/unique rings like what you showed can be difficult to find (in your specific style), and if he thought you wanted proposed to quickly, he maybe chose something pretty and inoffensive. Sounds like a communication issue on both parts.

Also Jesus Christ…the LOWEST CARAT gold?! How dare he! Some people don’t set much store by the priciness of a ring. Some people also shock horror can find huge diamonds tacky and look cheap. It’s actually a great size stone, not too flashy and not an invisible diamond chip. If you don’t like it that’s fair, but to lament it’s not the highest carat gold just makes you sound entitled and bloody spoilt

its great he’s agreed for you to pick another ring and take it back to exchange the wedding ring. As many people have said, Etsy should be avoided.

Girlslikepearls · 14/09/2024 13:53

You'd be utterly mad to buy a ring from Etsy and think the stones are genuine.
Etsy to me, means cheap and not very genuine items some of which are home made (it's where lots of crafts people sell what they make.)

Original poster

Marooney · 14/09/2024 13:04

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 12:34

if I got that wrong I apologise- but you didn’t tell him you didn’t like it straight away, so it would be fair to assume that maybe he thought you did like it.

you sound incredibly judgemental and ungrateful in the rest of this post too, I would say an hour or two looking around the shop isn’t “minimal effort”- that would be like buying the first one he sees online. He took the time to look at rings in person over hours, then he picked the one that made him think of you and thought you’d like it…that’s effort to me.

if you’d talked about engagement at all, it should be planted the seed in your head that proposing was a possibility…moaning that you thought you had “more time” isn’t an excuse. You could’ve shown him rings you liked over the course of the time.

vintage rings like the ones you have posted truly are a lot more difficult to purchase in terms of knowing for sure if your partner would like it, they are all super different. Yes he made a mistake but the sort he picked is more classic and perhaps he thought less of a risk. It’s good you have managed to come to a decision to trade it in for wedding rings and he has been fine about it.

the ring he chose from a jeweller is likely also significantly better quality than anything from Etsy including what you posted!

why don’t you pick your own ring and propose back to him?

Edited

Show quote history

There are so many assumptions here. I'm not "moaning" that I didn't have time, he literally did it THE DAY AFTER we talked about it, I could hardly have presented him with a folder of ring pics the same day he mentioned proposing now could I?

Appreciate the point about quality on Etsy and won't necessarily go for that. But the ring he picked was the lowest karat gold (there was a choice of 9 or 18 for all rings) and the lowest carat of diamond (the style he chose came with a variety of sizes of stone). Again, none of this would matter if the style had been remotely something I liked. And yes they are lab diamonds which doesn't bother me. I like bigger stones as they suit my hand better but it could be a lower value stone, no problem.

I think you and a couple of others missed the point of the post which didn't include any complaint about him, I was worried about what to do since the shop would only exchange not refund. I was also curious what people thought of the ring, but it was pure curiosity as only I have to like it.

The idea of a flashy ring, engagement or wedding is anathema to me- I simply did not want that ring to be the one for the rest of my life. Some responses here are completely bizarre.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marooney · 14/09/2024 12:55

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 12:35

OP sounds high maintenance and likely wants it on record/pics of the proposal to show family

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Utterly ridiculous- the proposing again was HIS idea because HE wants it to go better

OP posts:

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 12:35

Growlybear83 · 13/09/2024 23:47

@Marooney I don't understand why your boyfriend is proposing again? I thought he proposed when he gave you the previous ring, and I assumed that you had said 'yes'.

OP sounds high maintenance and likely wants it on record/pics of the proposal to show family

Lovefromjuliaxo · 14/09/2024 12:34

Marooney · 14/09/2024 06:15

I didn't tell him I really liked it, where did you get that from? 😆 We know he put minimal thought into it because he spent an hour or 2 in the local shopping centre chain jewellery shop which has a lot of similar Argos-looking rings, sorry to sound like that but it's true. He did want me to like it and believed it was classic and pretty, but as diamond solitaire rings go, it is bog standard and not my style. He doesn't know the difference because he's a man who's never given any thought to jewellery and hasn't seen many engagement rings. I understand that totally and my OP was trying to work out how to solve it, not to complain about my partner. We hadn't talked about rings because I thought I had more time!

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if I got that wrong I apologise- but you didn’t tell him you didn’t like it straight away, so it would be fair to assume that maybe he thought you did like it.

you sound incredibly judgemental and ungrateful in the rest of this post too, I would say an hour or two looking around the shop isn’t “minimal effort”- that would be like buying the first one he sees online. He took the time to look at rings in person over hours, then he picked the one that made him think of you and thought you’d like it…that’s effort to me.

if you’d talked about engagement at all, it should be planted the seed in your head that proposing was a possibility…moaning that you thought you had “more time” isn’t an excuse. You could’ve shown him rings you liked over the course of the time.

vintage rings like the ones you have posted truly are a lot more difficult to purchase in terms of knowing for sure if your partner would like it, they are all super different. Yes he made a mistake but the sort he picked is more classic and perhaps he thought less of a risk. It’s good you have managed to come to a decision to trade it in for wedding rings and he has been fine about it.

the ring he chose from a jeweller is likely also significantly better quality than anything from Etsy including what you posted!

why don’t you pick your own ring and propose back to him?

martinisforeveryone · 14/09/2024 11:09

@Marooney well sorted and a much better start to the rest of your lives together.

It's a pretty ring you've chosen above, but personally I wouldn't go to Etsy. You can't judge the quality and the one time I bought a ring from there the sizing wasn't in accordance with the professional ring guide I have at home.

You haven't said which European country you're in, but if you have some antiques markets or auctions where you could actually try a ring on and examine the workmanship beforehand, that's what I'd recommend. It's not dependent on the spend, it's about having a ring you're really happy with. You want a ring that every time you look at it, you feel warm and smile because of what it represents for you two, but also because it's a piece that you like so much.

CreateUserNames · 14/09/2024 10:06

Marooney · 13/09/2024 21:13

Thanks, I'm not sure I mind really that it's lab grown, should I? I mean sapphire isn't that rare anyway. I don't know much about jewellery - its monetary value doesn't matter to me if I like it and it's not tarnished or plastic-looking or coming apart. I don't know.. should I be thinking differently?

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I guess it is quite personal choice. I would prefer to get from a reliable jeweller shop myself, so I can try, and later on, if resize is needed, or a dropped stone, then it is also easier to get it fixed. As long as you are happy, that’s the most important thing!

Pipsquiggle · 14/09/2024 10:04

This thread has made me think how many women have just put up with engagement rings they don't like because they don't want to have a chat with their fiance - which is ridiculous.

I exclude men who have used family heirloom rings or who have made more effort than going to a few shops.

CreateUserNames · 14/09/2024 10:01

Marooney · 13/09/2024 18:44

Hi all,
First off, yes I would have liked to go with him or send him some inspiration pics but I didn't get the chance as it was so sudden. Without going into the backstory we had discussed him proposing but I had reason to believe it would be the end of the year.

I did tell him, when he asked me once more if I was sure I liked it. I said to be honest I didn't really feel like me in it. It turns out he didn't know it was even an option for the man not to propose with a ring he'd chosen himself, fair enough. He also didn't know it was something that could vary so widely, or that I would have previously given any thought to what I'd like. He also apparently told the shop assistant there was a good chance I'd want to change it, but didn't twig there might be nothing suitable in the shop as he said they had loads. So, a bit clueless but he had good intentions. Oh yes and he also thought that once married the engagement ring got put in a drawer.. possibly that's what happened with his ex, I wonder if she didn't love her ring either 😅 So he just did not think the ring was a big deal, but did believe I'd like the one he chose.

So we went and exchanged it for shop credit and I'm happy to get our wedding rings from there, though he's convinced I won't find one I like though I'm happy with a really plain band.

For the engagement ring I've narrowed it down to a few similar ones on Etsy such as the pic, it's teal sapphire. Thanks some of you for the warning not to get pearls. If anyone has experience of buying semi-expensive jewellery on Etsy please advise, do I just read reviews and hope for the best?

Thank you to everyone who commented, even the one who said I had giant man hands which made me laugh out loud. I'm a bit surprised over 50% voted I was unreasonable. My partner didn't find it to be the case, and wants to propose again once the ring arrives. I definitely don't think I should have hung onto something I disliked when it's such an important item.

This looks stunning! You have a great taste!

Calamitousness · 14/09/2024 09:49

@Marooney don’t rush buy a ring. And you should definitely go and try some on and visit other jewellers not buy unseen in real life. You’ve got the opportunity now to get this perfect for you.
As others have said look at vintage rings. If you like coloured stones that will be cheaper. If you do want new then lab grown is an option to be much cheaper if that doesn’t bother you for appreciation value etc.

WoolySnail · 14/09/2024 08:18

I would shop second hand or get your ring made using the Etsy photos for reference. My rings weren't expensive but they were good quality. Its not about the price, you want something good quality that will stand up to be worn for your lifetime. Even if you have to wait a while to find the perfect ring it will be worth it.
Congratulations on your engagement 💕

Original poster

Marooney · 14/09/2024 06:22

RubyWinehouse · 13/09/2024 22:08

I think it's lovely and suits your hand. Don't forget this will be worn with a wedding ring at some point plus an eternity ring

Thanks. Lots of people have mentioned eternity rings, I didn't know they were a thing until this thread and I don't think it's something for me (too dainty!). There's also 0% chance my partner has heard of an eternity ring and after this I won't be asking him for anything else :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Marooney · 14/09/2024 06:15

Lovefromjuliaxo · 13/09/2024 23:26

How do you know he put no thought into it? He may have thought she would like it and not realised he would be wrong. OP has now replied that she didn’t really talk about rings with him when they talked about getting engaged. OP also TOLD him she really liked it at first. Is he supposed to be a mind reader?

Edited

Show quote history

I didn't tell him I really liked it, where did you get that from? 😆 We know he put minimal thought into it because he spent an hour or 2 in the local shopping centre chain jewellery shop which has a lot of similar Argos-looking rings, sorry to sound like that but it's true. He did want me to like it and believed it was classic and pretty, but as diamond solitaire rings go, it is bog standard and not my style. He doesn't know the difference because he's a man who's never given any thought to jewellery and hasn't seen many engagement rings. I understand that totally and my OP was trying to work out how to solve it, not to complain about my partner. We hadn't talked about rings because I thought I had more time!

OP posts:

cherish123 · 13/09/2024 23:48

I don't understand why he would buy a ring without getting you to choose.

Growlybear83 · 13/09/2024 23:47

@Marooney I don't understand why your boyfriend is proposing again? I thought he proposed when he gave you the previous ring, and I assumed that you had said 'yes'.

Lovefromjuliaxo · 13/09/2024 23:29

lamnotarobot · 13/09/2024 19:48

@Marooney - lovely ring but if you're hoping for a genuine teal sapphire then that ring isn't for you as if you read all the way down to the bottom of the description they actually say it's a lab grown sapphire.

So value of all the stones is only a few pounds which is why they can send you a silver ring, all the way from USA with free shipping for £65.

How do you feel about non lab grown diamonds and stones, knowing the cruelty when children are forced to mine them?

Lovefromjuliaxo · 13/09/2024 23:26

AllTipAndNoIceberg · 12/09/2024 17:15

She gave loads of info though? We know where he shopped, how long he spent choosing, what he’s usually like (generous). Masses of context.

Nobody needs to be grateful for a thoughtlessly or hastily chosen engagement ring that they dislike. It’s the thought that counts in a gesture of love, and there is little sign of OP’s fiancé having put significant thought into it. Slight disappointment, like OP has expressed, is a more reasonable response to that than gratitude.

Three consecutive posts of made-up “thoughtful” back stories for this man you don’t know, and reasons why actually it’s all OP’s fault — I dunno, that seems extreme, which is interesting to me. It reads as if you are pretty uncomfortable with a woman setting expectations higher than floor level for her partner.

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How do you know he put no thought into it? He may have thought she would like it and not realised he would be wrong. OP has now replied that she didn’t really talk about rings with him when they talked about getting engaged. OP also TOLD him she really liked it at first. Is he supposed to be a mind reader?

Lovefromjuliaxo · 13/09/2024 23:17

Marooney · 13/09/2024 18:44

Hi all,
First off, yes I would have liked to go with him or send him some inspiration pics but I didn't get the chance as it was so sudden. Without going into the backstory we had discussed him proposing but I had reason to believe it would be the end of the year.

I did tell him, when he asked me once more if I was sure I liked it. I said to be honest I didn't really feel like me in it. It turns out he didn't know it was even an option for the man not to propose with a ring he'd chosen himself, fair enough. He also didn't know it was something that could vary so widely, or that I would have previously given any thought to what I'd like. He also apparently told the shop assistant there was a good chance I'd want to change it, but didn't twig there might be nothing suitable in the shop as he said they had loads. So, a bit clueless but he had good intentions. Oh yes and he also thought that once married the engagement ring got put in a drawer.. possibly that's what happened with his ex, I wonder if she didn't love her ring either 😅 So he just did not think the ring was a big deal, but did believe I'd like the one he chose.

So we went and exchanged it for shop credit and I'm happy to get our wedding rings from there, though he's convinced I won't find one I like though I'm happy with a really plain band.

For the engagement ring I've narrowed it down to a few similar ones on Etsy such as the pic, it's teal sapphire. Thanks some of you for the warning not to get pearls. If anyone has experience of buying semi-expensive jewellery on Etsy please advise, do I just read reviews and hope for the best?

Thank you to everyone who commented, even the one who said I had giant man hands which made me laugh out loud. I'm a bit surprised over 50% voted I was unreasonable. My partner didn't find it to be the case, and wants to propose again once the ring arrives. I definitely don't think I should have hung onto something I disliked when it's such an important item.

Be careful on Etsy, a lot of the stuff on there is often dropshipped and/or poor quality. A lot of Etsy sellers aren’t obliged to take items back if you don’t like them irl either. Maybe try going to an antiques centre or vintage shop that specialises in the sort of jewellery you are after. Somewhere you can try the ring on and see it in person first, without commitment to buy.

i think the main reason you got voted as being unreasonable is because you sounded a bit ungrateful to him in your original post.

RubyWinehouse · 13/09/2024 22:08

I think it's lovely and suits your hand. Don't forget this will be worn with a wedding ring at some point plus an eternity ring