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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my engagement ring 😞 (pic)

663 replies

Marooney · 10/09/2024 11:56

Last night my partner proposed, which was lovely. I often like simple and classic in general but this ring just feels so small and generic, I'm sad. Also I have quite big hands and I think the ring is kind of swamped. He went to choose it after work apparently and went to the shop he knows in town. He said if I didn't like it I could change it, but I've had a look at the shop's website and honestly they don't have anything I like better. I like more vintage styles (lots on Etsy that I like), bigger stone (could be moissanite, I don't mind if it's not valuable) and this shop just has modern looking things, this is the best of the lot. Unfortunately they only do exchanges, not refunds. Not sure what to do :( I guess the AIBU is AIBU for feeling disappointed with this ring, and AIBU for seeing if he minds me using the shop credit for some future birthday and Christmas presents (it was about £360) and looking for a ring elsewhere. Any other suggestions welcome 🙏🏼

I don't like my engagement ring 😞 (pic)
OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 10/09/2024 16:21

HungryLittleCrocodile · 10/09/2024 16:10

If he is a man who could easily spend £420 on 2 dinners out, why did he spend such a piffling amount on an engagement ring? He is quite clearly loaded.🙄

I mean £420 is a good chunk of money, but if a man who could afford to spend nearly half a grand on 2 meals spent a poxy £420 on my engagement ring, it would give me 'stingy fucker' vibes.

Show quote history

I very specifically told DH not to spend much on my ring. I'd rather have something less expensive and put money towards our life together.

Anyone who cares about the cost of a ring rather than the thought behind it, gives me "the ick".

Helpnifoseeker · 10/09/2024 16:20

@YankSplaining Yes, London blue topaz is a beautiful shade, sort of like a summer night- when we used to have summers😏!.

Nogaxeh · 10/09/2024 16:19

You don't want to spend the rest of your life not liking your engagement ring. If you're sure it won't grow on you then I think you have thought of a good way ahead.

What you might consider doing is sending your husband-to-be a shortlist of three rings that you really like from etsy makers, and then he can choose one of those so that he is still involved in the choice of engagement ring.

Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:19

SoTired12 · 10/09/2024 15:52

No one is actually interested in your ring though, everyone will say "aww congratulations, it's beautiful" (no matter what it looks like) then get on with their day.

Show quote history

Of course, but I'm interested in it and how it makes me feel when I'm looking at it or telling people we're engaged

OP posts:
massistar · 10/09/2024 16:18

I think you should be honest and tell him you don't like it OP. I can't believe so many posters are telling you to suck it up. I love my engagement ring but 25 years down the line I still regret not piping up that I didn't like our wedding rings. My BIL bought them as per tradition in my DH's country and I just didn't feel able to say I wanted more expensive ones.

You're going to be looking at it on your finger for hopefully a long time so it really should be something you adore. Love the idea about using the store credit to buy the wedding rings.

DeCaray · 10/09/2024 16:15

I think it will look fine once it's paired with a wedding band and then an eternity ring later.

I know a few women who have had large stones for their engagement rings and they have had difficulty with a wedding band that isn't swamped by the ring.

I like the ring and I don't think it looks too small on your hand.

HungryLittleCrocodile · 10/09/2024 16:12

@Twistybranch

Lots of women I know don’t even wear their engagement ring once married and just wear their wedding band.

I have never met one single woman - ever - who doesn't wear their engagement ring. How odd to not wear it. I can only surmise that they hated the engagement ring - like the OP!

Fedup369 · 10/09/2024 16:11

I don't love mine either, it's not horrible. It's just very plain, but then again I did say that I didn't want him wasting loads of money on a ring when I'd rather go on holiday or get the bathroom done, so he didn't, and I'm ok with that. It's more about what it represents anyway, he have children so I didn't see spending a load of money on an engagement ring as a responsible way to spend money and I stand by that.

I don't like my engagement ring 😞 (pic)
Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:11

twilightcafe · 10/09/2024 13:54

What about a diamond eternity ring as a wedding band?

Don't like them unfortunately!

OP posts:
HungryLittleCrocodile · 10/09/2024 16:10

Marooney · 10/09/2024 15:33

Actually it was £420 😆 and he could spend that on 2 dinners out, he's very generous actually.. this may be a cultural difference. Also don't mind the price if I love the style!

Show quote history

If he is a man who could easily spend £420 on 2 dinners out, why did he spend such a piffling amount on an engagement ring? He is quite clearly loaded.🙄

I mean £420 is a good chunk of money, but if a man who could afford to spend nearly half a grand on 2 meals spent a poxy £420 on my engagement ring, it would give me 'stingy fucker' vibes.

Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:09

Twistybranch · 10/09/2024 13:42

Honestly,

I think it’s a beautiful ring

How do you think you fiancé would take it if you asked to change it? There’s nothing stopping you buying another solitaire ring at a later date. I just think it will take away the excitement a little if you push ahead with a ring change now.

My MIL, updated her engagement ring on her 25th wedding anniversary, to something more modern because a lot had changed in fashions. I get you don’t want to wait that long, but I think it looks a tad spoiled if you rush to get it exchanged.

Lots of women I know don’t even wear their engagement ring once married and just wear their wedding band.

Please think this through before you taint your engagement

Edited

I appreciate your view, but I do want to wear my engagement ring, and I don't see how it's spoilt to exchange for something that's not more expensive?

OP posts:
Cakeandcardio · 10/09/2024 16:08

Don't listen to anyone saying you should be happy.
Have an honest discussion. Maybe use the store credit for wedding rings or future gifts. But do something!
It's a long time to wear jewellery you don't like!
You are not unreasonale for not liking it. Getting engaged is a big deal and we like what we like!!

Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:07

Strokethefurrywall · 10/09/2024 13:38

Congratulations! I had a not dissimilar feeling when my DH proposed. The diamond was stunning but the setting just wasn't "me". I ended up having the diamond reset into a different band - is that an option?

I can't see that it's worth doing that with a small lab diamond with no sentiment value, better just to start again

OP posts:
Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:06

Commonsense22 · 10/09/2024 13:43

I think the ring is lovely and suits your hand.
It also sounds like he couldn't really have got it right as what you like is quite niche. There would have been a lot of potential to go wrong.

You can either dress it up with more fancy wedding rings you choose together or exchange it for wedding bands but your husband will inevitably be a bit hurt.

Edited

I agree, but he didn't ask for any ideas or anything. One Christmas I asked for a simple gold chain and sent him photos with ticks on the ones I liked and crosses on the no-nos so he'd get the idea. I would have gladly done this for the ring but he obviously wanted to surprise me

OP posts:
CantBelieveNaive · 10/09/2024 16:05

DoublePeonies · 10/09/2024 12:01

Would the money cover a pair of wedding rings, then go elsewhere for an engagement ring?

Brilliant idea!!
Hopefully you'll be wearing the engagement ring for a long time so you've got to love it 😜

steppemum · 10/09/2024 16:05

I agree with you OP it is a bit meh.

But then I have odd taste in rings. I really hate the idea of the man buying the ring and then proposing.
I was very clear with dh that I wanted to choose the ring I would wear every day.

I have big hands and like chunky rings, wide bands not elegant little slim bands and together my engagement and wedding rings fill the length of the space between hand and knuckle.
I also hate stone settings which stand proud of the ring and catch on everything, so I have a tiny diamond set down into the surface of the band.

Not everyone's style, but it is mine and so I love it. If I had been given the ring in the photo I just would never have worn it, except maybe when out to a party.

Of course it matters that you like it. You have to wear it.

Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:03

oakleaffy · 10/09/2024 13:38

@Marooney My friend has a tiny diamond 💍 ring, much smaller than that- and it sparkles like crazy !
It’s the sparkle that really matters in a Diamond- not the size
I think it looks lovely.

I don't really care about bling and sparkle, in fact I've seen some pearl rings that I like. The size matters to me because my style isn't dainty or delicate

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 10/09/2024 16:03

It's a beautiful, timeless ring and will look lovely with a plain wedding band. It looks far more tasteful and is much classier than some of the huge vulgar monstrosities that I've seen people post on other threads on here.

I never wore yellow gold until I started wearing my late mother's engagement ring, and although it's not to my taste, I will never stop wearing it because of the sentimental value. I felt the same about my own engagement ring - it was a teeny tiny solitaire, about 2mm across, but because my husband bought it with love, it was my most treasured possession and I would have worn it constantly even if I hadn't liked it.

£420 isn't exactly a paltry amount to spend on a ring and I think you're being incredibly ungrateful. It's really unpleasant to start a thread on a public forum complaining about the ring that your fiancé clearly put a lot of thought into.

OhTediosity · 10/09/2024 16:03

ItWasnaMeGuv · 10/09/2024 15:58

Sorry, OP, I think you are unreasonable to be honest. My ring is virtually the same, and gold. I don't like gold at all, prefer silver, but he chose it so it stays. Just celebrated our 30th (pearl) anniversary.

So because you have worn a ring you dislike for 30+ years you think the OP should have to as well?

Original poster
Marooney · 10/09/2024 16:00

twomanyfrogsinabox · 10/09/2024 13:18

I think you should keep it, it was great that he chose it himself and it is really from his heart. He likely sweated blood choosing it. It will always remind you what a sweet idiot he was, no other ring will do that.

But up to you, he may be heartbroken that you don't like it, so break it gently.

He went to the shopping centre near his work, so not really.. but that would have been fine if the ring was more my style. Of course I don't want to hurt him

OP posts:
ItWasnaMeGuv · 10/09/2024 15:58

Sorry, OP, I think you are unreasonable to be honest. My ring is virtually the same, and gold. I don't like gold at all, prefer silver, but he chose it so it stays. Just celebrated our 30th (pearl) anniversary.

SallyWD · 10/09/2024 15:57

I think the ring looks lovely! But that's irrelevant. I also didn't like the ring my DH chose.
I just told him very nicely how much i appreciated it but that I wanted to wear my engagement ring for the rest of my life so could I exchange it for something that suits me better. He understood.

Dogdaysareoverihope · 10/09/2024 15:57

Marooney · 10/09/2024 15:15

Just to answer some comments-

We live in southern Europe. The ring is from a chain of jewellers in a shopping centre. It is 9k gold with a 0.3k diamond and cost £420, I got the exchange rate wrong earlier.

He could have afforded more but we are from different cultures and maybe that's normal. This post wasn't meant to focus on the cost, and I would be happy with a similar priced one from Etsy. (I guess the combo of it looking a bit Argosy and knowing it didn't cost that much is making me a bit sad though, if I'm honest). He's been married before, his partner suggested marrying as she was pregnant and he rushed out and bought any old rings so somehow he thinks this time he's doing it "right"- proposing to me, choosing a ring etc. I know he has good intentions, I just feel a bit deflated.

He told me he spent a couple of hours choosing it. He really seems to think it's "me", I think he just likes it himself because it doesn't have anything obviously ugly on it. He's not thoughtless and obviously wants me to love it, just a bit clueless about these things, so if he'd spent 2 days rather than 2 hours looking he might still have bought this one.

For my first birthday with him he bought me some jewellery which wasn't me at all, delicate and silver whereas I wear chunkier and gold.. I deliberated overnight and then told him silver doesn't suit my skintone, and we went and chose something else together. He seemed fine about that and admitted what I had chosen was nicer 😄 I just feel bad doing that to him again, especially when it's an engagement ring.

I don't think adding more rings to it will make me like it better sadly, I'd like a really plain band so wanted the engagement ring to be more interesting.

I’m with you, OP

the diamond solitaire is boring and generic. I think you need to choose something you really like as it will just give you pangs of disappointment every time you look at it.

thankfully it didn’t cost a fortune, so agree you use the money for something else.

its a shame the shop won’t refund. We bought mine from a UK jeweller who gave a full refund within 30 days of it wasn’t what we wanted.

ClairDeLaLune · 10/09/2024 15:56

CloudywMeatballs · 10/09/2024 15:45

A few people have mentioned eternity rings. Is this a British thing? I'm in the US and it's not a concept I'm familiar with.

OP, I would be disappointed in your shoes too. I would find that ring to be boring and generic and just not to my taste. My husband asked me before he proposed, just hypothetically whether I would want to pick my own ring out or would prefer it to be a surprise, and I said I would want to pick it myself. This is an expensive item of jewelry that I plan to wear every day for the rest of my life, so I would want to love it!

Maybe you can gently say that although it's a lovely ring it isn't what you would have picked out, and say that as you are planning to wear it every day for the rest of your life you would hope to get something perfect.

I read this and thought - what’s wrong with OP’s shoes? Did he choose them too?? 😂

ClairDeLaLune · 10/09/2024 15:54

Iamawomandontcallmeanythingelse · 10/09/2024 12:02

Your partner does a lovely thing, and you find it ok to come online and complain about him? Lovely.

It’s not a lovely thing though is it if he doesn’t take the time to find out about what OP’s choice of a ring would be. Or inflicts his taste on her. She can’t help it if she doesn’t like it, and she’s the one who has to wear it for life. I think everyone should choose their own engagement ring personally.

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