To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

It might not be your partners you need to worry about. My best friend was male, we met when we were 14 and we hung out, travelled the world together, he was like my brother and then one day when we were 30 he met his now wife.

She hated my guts before she met me, I was no threat I was in a settled relationship (my husband loved my friend and we’d hang out all the time). Her first words when she met me was ‘so he’s not fucked you then?’ And hello to you too!

Basically she made his life hell whenever he wanted to see me, or phone and in the end our friendship just died. She got what she wanted, and he wanted her which was entirely fair he loves her. But it was incredibly sad to lose a childhood long term friend and it did break my heart at the time. So just a word of warning it can happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

* The motivation for cheating isn't necessarily just sex it can be as a result of loneliness, being trapped in a bad relationship, wanting something more from life. People who cheat aren't some different category of humans. If you really want to cheat you will of course create the opportunity. The point is that you don't want to cheat so you don't create the opportunity*

Bad relationships and dissatisfaction with life are mundane and commonplace. Using them as an excuse to cheat is a decision that most people don't make.

I have been in so many situations that could be seen as "opportunities to cheat" (for me and I suppose for the men too). Everything from going to fancy restaurants with male friends to getting drunk in hotel rooms with male friends at 1am, just the two of us. The opportunity did not lead to any sort of inappropriate behaviour.

It's not stereotype it's biological reality. It's not unnatural for women to want sex but in general men want it a lot more than women. Obviously not all men or all women before you point out a single example!

Well if it's not all men and all women then it's not a biological reality is it, because it doesn't apply to everyone.

I have had very close male friends throughout my life. One thing I have found is that when men aren't in a relationship I became, looking back, a surrogacy girlfriend, basically doing things with them like going to dinners, parties, cinema because I was available. Without exception every single one ditched the friendship when they had a serious romantic partner. One of these friendships was 30 years old, others 6 and 10 years. Now it's a sporadic lunch in the middle of the week. However, the same friends kept their close male friends.
Often in a relationship there's not enough time to work, focus on the relationship and see friends separately, so there's some compromise. It's easy to say to a romantic partner that you're going to spend the day hiking with a male friend and they are happy doing their own thing but if it's a female friend it has a different dynamic. Being honest I wouldn't expect a male friend to go out for dinner with me on a Saturday night if they have a partner but a woman would would happily go on a girls night out.

@gannett
"for those who want to have sex with others, the opportunity is almost always there. Trying to cut off opportunity is a mug's game because taken to its logical conclusion it means controlling your partner's every move. And it's irrelevant. Cheating is a decision and a choice that people make because they lack morals or control or both - it has nothing to do with potential opportunity. I have been in hundreds of situations where I could have cheated. Literally. Never done so"

I was talking about controlling one's own behaviour, not a partner's behaviour. I completely disagree with your belief that there are 2 types of people those who cheat and those who don't. It's a naive idea. In reality most people could cheat given a particular combination of circumstances. The motivation for cheating isn't necessarily just sex it can be as a result of loneliness, being trapped in a bad relationship, wanting something more from life. People who cheat aren't some different category of humans. If you really want to cheat you will of course create the opportunity. The point is that you don't want to cheat so you don't create the opportunity

Realistically men are hard wired to want sex while women want emotional intimacy so you are probably deluding yourself that your male friend hasn't at least entertained the idea

"The first bit of this sentence is stereotypical nonsense (I am so tired of being told that as a woman it's unnatural for me to want sex). I also don't care if my male friends have entertained the idea. As I said earlier sexual attraction is mundane and commonplace. "Entertaining the idea" is a non-issue. It happens with everyone all the time. I've idly thought about people I'd never dream of making an actual move on. What matters is that you don't turn it into action if you're in a monogamous relationship, or you turn it into action respectfully if you're not."

It's not stereotype it's biological reality. It's not unnatural for women to want sex but in general men want it a lot more than women. Obviously not all men or all women before you point out a single example!

My best friend is male and we've been friends for over 10 years. Nothing wrong with it at all but people can be so narrow minded about stuff like this. You do you! X

I never said it's a binary choice. However if a person meets a potential partner they forsee a long and happy relationship with, they will need to compromise on some areas of life. If the new girlfriend, for example, is not keen on weekly clubbing nights with female "best friend" or multiple texting sessions every evening, then it's likely that said man will reduce contact with the best friend to a moderate amount, rather than risk making the girlfriend unhappy.

Completely depends on how much free time you have and how much you see your friend(s). If due to work/children/something else you only have 2 free evenings or a weekend free, then at least half of that time has to be re-allocated to seeing your partner instead – it would be very challenging to build or maintain a solid relationship with that little time spent together.

My good friend, for example is a nurse who works nightshifts 8pm-8am. When she's been dating, in the past, she leaves for work at 6:30, when her boyfriend's have been coming home from work, and then coming home when her they are leaving for work. If she has two days off a week, then seeing her partner should be prioritised, even if prior to meeting him she would have been with friends instead. Otherwise when would they ever see each other? It's not 'downgrading' a friend – it's taking the time to build a relationship with someone that you (presumably) want to live with, own property with, have children with and retire with. Your friends and you have had that building and bonding time already – if you want a life partnership with someone then time sacrifice to then build it with them has to come in somewhere if your time is limited.

I'm afraid I would have very little time for someone who downgrades his or her friendships for the sake of a relationship. Quite apart from anything else, you'd be unwise to ditch a longterm, valued, tried and tested friendship for the sake of a new relationship that may not last.

Fortunately, none of my friends, male or female, thinks it's natural or normal for friendships to give way to a relationship. It's not an either/or thing.

Well, yes, it's a partner problem. Not a 'having friends' problem. I think the discussion is becoming a bit circular and overly general!

In the context of OP's original query – that she's concerned their friendship will change when her friend gets a girlfriend – then I think the answer is that yes, it's something that you can expect and should brace yourself for, and that it's reasonable. Because say if they see each other to hang out twice a week, then depending on the limits of his free time, that time will then have to be allocated to his partner instead of OP.

If friends become a problem in the marriage it’s usually a fairly reliable sign that all is not well in the marriage. Not that more “prioritisation” is necessary.

I sort of disagree with this in that it doesn't have to be an 'all is lost' scenario. If someone can be pulled up on their behaviour, take the issue to heart and make changes, then it can turn a failing relationship into a good one. It depends whether the 'prioritisation' is the issue or a symptom of another issue!

@Didimum

But we're not discussing the majority of (presumably good and functional marriages) or marriage that fail or are problematic for other reasons. We're discussing marriages in which 'friends' become a legitimate problem – and that probably is a minority. And that circa 2% (or whatever it is) ends up on MN, posting concern over their partner investing more time in others as opposed to their marriage

But those are failing anyway surely? If friends become a problem in the marriage it’s usually a fairly reliable sign that all is not well in the marriage. Not that more “prioritisation” is necessary.

By the time you get to the point where one partner is more interested in spending time with their friends than with the partner the ship has sailed.

My best friend is male but he is gay so it's not really the same I guess.

An 'absolute' need does not have to be a single event where your need is significantly or dangerously high – it can be a 'simple' want or need on the face of it, but the problem occurs when that simple want or need has been repeatedly neglected. The straw that breaks the camels back, if you will.

But we're not discussing the majority of (presumably good and functional marriages) or marriage that fail or are problematic for other reasons. We're discussing marriages in which 'friends' become a legitimate problem – and that probably is a minority. And that circa 2% (or whatever it is) ends up on MN, posting concern over their partner investing more time in others as opposed to their marriage. Nuanced prioritisation might not be a concern in 98% of your well-functioning relationship, but it can be a significant concern in others'.

Well I'm 53 and still think men and women can be friends without sex. Any yeah certainly seen a load of relationships go down the pan but not due to someone having a friend of the opposite sex. My bf I spoke about earlier His first wife got together with his ( at the time) male best friend.

Another friend of mine his wife left him for her FEMALE best friend

And the nuance is there and can change very quickly when a ‘want’ is always neglected and therefore can turn to a need in regard to supporting your partner’s wellbeing. For example, you’re not going to die if you’re left alone with the flu, and you’re not going to die if you’re left in for a movie night on your own. Any one instance of these can, on the face of it, be regarded as a ‘want’, but if you are regularly and/or unnecessarily left alone during the times you don’t feel at your best, then that turns into a very real neglect. Time and attention to our partners is how one knows we are loved and supported, and the issue arises when it is not applied enough, consistently or given more readily and frequently to others.

Edited to add: and I think this becomes even more pronounced at problematic when there is one friend who always seems to receive the time and attention, as opposed to a spread.

Yeah it's hardly weird. My DS goes to cinema with his name friend. Athing which his girlfriend is very happy about as her taste in films is completely different.

He also goes with best friend to eat out ( sit down meal not fast food)

What is weird about it?

Yes. Absolute need comes up comparatively seldom in the average relationship, unless you're terribly unlucky. And agree abouts 'wants' masquerading as 'needs'.

@gannett

Exactly - a lot of the time people will frame their wants as needs. 'Neediness' (at least by my perception) is a characteristic I couldn't stand in a partner and something I'd drop men for instantly.

Totally agree. When people are talking about “prioritising” a partner’s needs on this thread what they often mean is “pandering to their insecurities”.

Of course a partner should top the hierarchy of needs in an absolute sense but that shouldn’t enable the partner to arbitrarily impose rules about how you spend time and with whom in order to allow them to feel like “top dog”.

A strong marriage or partnership should not require endlessly reiterating this hierarchy and should be able to accommodate other close bonds.

It’s definitely nuanced, and not everyone can be reasonable with their degree of ‘need’.

Exactly - a lot of the time people will frame their wants as needs. 'Neediness' (at least by my perception) is a characteristic I couldn't stand in a partner and something I'd drop men for instantly. When it comes to crises, of course DP and I would drop everything for each other, but we're lucky enough to have only had a couple of those in 12 years. And ultimately, though we get plenty of quality time together, we're both self-sufficient people who enjoy our own company - neither of us would need the other to stay in and look after us if we were ill, for instance.

I don't think 'nuanced' prioritisation' is in any way a necessary concept in about 98% of the life of a marriage, though -- in general, I'm not triaging conflicting needs between friends and DH. A lot of people on Mn, I notice, seem to be very low-energy. I generally don't have any problem doing A and B rather than A or B. Short of unusual, very serious situations, both are usually possible.

This doesn’t account for nuanced prioritisation though – when your partner has an equal or greater need occurring at the same time. Just like in a work situation, prioritisation only comes up when you have conflicting needs to be handled.

To me, it’s clear what prioritising means, but I appreciate not everyone is in my head. In your examples, I think your partner should come before the friend if they have a greater or same need at that time or if your partner receives that time and attention from you less often. So..

dinner weekly with a friend, am I prioritising him? Yes, if you don’t also take equal or more available quality time with your partner. (I say ‘available’ as if you have a partner who works long hours or away from home, then this might be different)

If DP has a female travel buddy (who predates me), is he prioritising her? Yes if he foregoes travel with you that you want to do with him.

If a friend and I drop everything to go to a certain artist's concerts, are we prioritising each other? What does ‘drop everything’ entail? Dropping plans with your partner that are fairly objectively significant and important to him? Not OK. Dropping a weekly recurring date night – fine.

If DP goes round to an ill friend's house to cook for her and keep her company, is he prioritising her? If you have a reasonable and competing need for his presence/support at the same time, then not OK. Eg, you’re also physically unwell or injured, you’re struggling mentally with something like work, unwell or difficult children, if he works away/very long hours and it’s a bubble of time together you might rarely have.

It’s definitely nuanced, and not everyone can be reasonable with their degree of ‘need’.

Exactly. Absolutely, I am sometimes prioritising other people over DH, and he is prioritising other people over me. Because we are both people with other people in our lives, who sometimes need or want or offer different things to what we need/offer/give one another. It's no threat to our marriage, which has its own status (I don't have a child with any of my friends, I don't live with them, we don't share finances, we've taken no vows etc etc). Our marriage is easily the stronger for it, for having other people who are also in our lives. Whether I've just hopped on a train to see a friend who is in a psychiatric unit in another city three hours away, or gone out for dinner with someone I haven't seen in ages, I'm bringing new experiences, input etc back to my marriage, as is DH. We work in very different fields these days (having trained for the same one), and our professional lives couldn't be more different, and that's good too.

But what does "prioritising" mean? Some people seem to think it means anything you do for friends above the bare minimum, regardless of circumstance. If I go out to dinner weekly with a friend, am I prioritising him? If DP has a female travel buddy (who predates me), is he prioritising her? If a friend and I drop everything to go to a certain artist's concerts, are we prioritising each other? If DP goes round to an ill friend's house to cook for her and keep her company, is he prioritising her?

To me the answer is no in all of those situations but I also know that if I posted any of them on here, there'd be a slew of posters absolutely certain that we're both having affairs.